[johnuioyer]

AS,

A divorced friend and I had this conversation not too long ago:

Me: This is what Allah has chosen for you, this is part of qadr

Her: She said no. This is NOT what I would have chosen. I didn't choose to get married and divorced, I didn't choose to give up my career so I could give him my life and then end up having to look after my children myself.

==================

How do you help someone like this? Where does free will and qadr overlap, is there a distinction between the two?

[VottCetaVeivE]

Its all part of the test of the believers.

"Alif/Laam/Meem. Do people think that they will be left alone because they say, “We believe,” and will not be tested? Indeed We tested those who (lived) before them..."
[Qur'an 29:1-3]

"Who, when afflicted with calamity say, “Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.” They are those on whom the Salawat (the blessing and forgiveness) of their Lord is upon them, and who shall receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones "
[Qur'an 2:157]

[VottCetaVeivE]

Tell her to remember the trails and tribulations our Prophet went through. But he remained patient and Allah gave him success. When people are experiencing difficulties in life, the logic goes out of the window. Its difficult to advice them. Its better to sympathize a bit(not too much) with her and then remind her about the Life Here After and the reality of Life.

[lasadeykar]

Everyone goes through tough trials and we wish we never face such trials but when i see the trials of the past, I am thankful to Allah SWT for that brought me close to Allah SWT or else I would have been left heedless. So only Allah SWT knows what is best for us for we are very ignorant and only He SWT is the most wise and all knowing. I know it is easy to say than going through but everyone goes through some sort of trials. Allahu alam
Here is the duaa (duaa number 14) taught by our beloved Prophet SAW:

[NKUDirectory]

A Simplified Explanation of Taqdeer (Destiny) by Maulana Yunus Patel

[johnuioyer]

All very well but its still not very clear....I want to be around her but I feel like I'm weakening too.

And this sister...she has a verrrrry short attention span at the moment as she is so angry with her life and how everything has panned out, so anything over 5 mins...I know she's going to turn off...(I'm not too much far off the mark either sometimes). I hope I'm not offending, its just that sometimes for some people small soundbites to give them little things to ponder over is far better

[lasadeykar]

sometimes we wish things happen smooth and as we wish but these sort of trials show us how we weak we are and helps us to turn towards Allah SWT. I know it is tough after passing through the trial the sister went through but she should be patient and the time will teach her. Sometimes it is better we stay calm till things pass way. Who didnt go through trials. Our beloved Prophet SAW went through worst trials. Take today the war hit countries, when we go through the pain the fellow muslims are going through, we will forget our own trials. Everyone goes through worst trials in one way or the other. Allahu alam
I would recommend this book to the sister.
http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/Dont%20Be%20Sad.pdf

[NKUDirectory]

All very well but its still not very clear....I want to be around her but I feel like I'm weakening too.

And this sister...she has a verrrrry short attention span at the moment as she is so angry with her life and how everything has panned out, so anything over 5 mins...I know she's going to turn off...(I'm not too much far off the mark either sometimes). I hope I'm not offending, its just that sometimes for some people small soundbites to give them little things to ponder over is far better

I was thinking you can listen to it and relay the relevant parts He uses very simple words and explains things very nicely.

[johnuioyer]

InshaAllah I'll try.


Mercy of Allah: I understand...but that's the typical attitude we EXPECT that Muslims should have. That whilst these trials show us how weak we are, how we have no power over our lives.....what happens if we fall so low that we don't know how to pick ourselves up, that we don't know what its like to stand in front of Allah again, that it DOESN'T make us turn to Allah, and will fill that with anything BUT Allah....and you can see this happening to your friend. Even our Prophet saw as perfect as he was, still had Abu Bakr next to him. He had Khadija as with him.

So how are we supposed to travel this world alone....yes we see calamities and tragedies ALLLLLLLL the time, but that doesn't lessen the pain that we suffer ourselves.....

[johnuioyer]

btw thank you for the book - it looks like it has some interesting things to read and ponder over.

[homerdienru]

Asalaam Alaikum

In the name of Allah the most Beneficent and the Most Merciful, Lord of the Worlds...


These amtters are very delicate and it is very easy to have an opinion becuase we are so programmed to give advise and our point of view. The most difficult thing to do therefore is to listen and understand.

Sometimes we may have a worry or a problem and it seems like a mountain has landed on us. However to someone else it may seem trivial or not as big a deal. Afetrall we are human and Shaytaan and minions are alwayys out to knock us for a six.

Human beings have the faculty to learn, understand and apply and this a true blessinf from Allah swt. However when someone goes through a rough patch sometimes what happens is that certain aspects of the thinking process closes down either temporarily or either permanently.

Allah swt says in the Majestc Qur'an: ' Alab be zikrallahi tatmaien ul quloob'. - 'Verily in the remembrance of Allah swt do hearts find contentment'.

Now the word 'tatmaien' is iteresting because it refers directly to the heart/soul. If we ponder on this we we see that Allah swt has given us the prescription to all stress, anxieties and depressive states. Allah swt is basicaly saying that if you remember Me then you will have no worries as your heart and soul will be at peace i.e., you will have contentment. And how many people are truly content in the secular world?

AllahHu Alam

I hope this helps.


Awan

[VottCetaVeivE]

Watch the following 2 videos, It will help

Why Allah is doing this to me why bad things happning to me? 1 :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ4N3YWMAIk


Why allah is doing this to me why bad things happning to me? 2 :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG_nfG1N3uQ

[johnuioyer]

I've heard something of Nouman Ali Khan before and I enjoyed it...I remembered, so thank you.

Thank you to you both.

One thing more, she's soooo mad that her life has turned out the way it is. And she's over sheikh's and mufti's - according to her, she gave her life to one sheikh and if anything it was a horrible failure, failure to strengthen her marriage, failure to bring her closer to Allah in the way that she had desired.

[homerdienru]

Asalaam Alaikum


I don't blame the sister for losing her confidence in sheikhs and muftis to be honest.

If she conulted a sheikh/ mufti for advice about her situation then did she:
a)get advice based on Qur'an and Sunnah from an established scholar - and when I mean scholer. I mean is he qualified to give such advice and verdicts or:
b) did he advice her with his own opinion

- and therefore in either case she went with the advice and it didn't work out?

JazakAllah

[lasadeykar]

InshaAllah I'll try.


Mercy of Allah: I understand...but that's the typical attitude we EXPECT that Muslims should have. That whilst these trials show us how weak we are, how we have no power over our lives.....what happens if we fall so low that we don't know how to pick ourselves up, that we don't know what its like to stand in front of Allah again, that it DOESN'T make us turn to Allah, and will fill that with anything BUT Allah....and you can see this happening to your friend. Even our Prophet saw as perfect as he was, still had Abu Bakr next to him. He had Khadija as with him.

So how are we supposed to travel this world alone....yes we see calamities and tragedies ALLLLLLLL the time, but that doesn't lessen the pain that we suffer ourselves.....

i understand such a situation where everything seems to be locked. The worries so take over our mind that we cannot think anything resulting in anger and frustration but we have to realize that this world is a place of test and it is meant to be like this and our life is nothing but slavery to Allah SWT. Either Allah SWT puts us in some pain and tests our patience or He SWT grants us something and tests our gratitude and both are difficult. THis is dunya not jannah where we can live as we desire.

Actually this anger and frustration too comes from our own evilness because we want things to work as we want and we fail to submit to Allah's will and we don't show gratitude to what He SWT has given us. That is why the problems take over our mind to a greater extent. The more we train oour mind to accept Allah's will, easier will be life. Just because we are angry and frustrate, things wont change because these things are already destined. Anger and frustration will make only things worse. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried. If not divorced, the trials will come in another form, we cannot stop the trials but we can only train our mind to accept and pass through the tests. We should work more on our spiritual side.

Good opinion of Allah SWT will lighten the heart. We have to make more istighfar and turn to Allah SWT as much as we can for Allah SWT doesnt burden us more than what we can bear.

In times of difficulty, we have some adhkar to recite like
laailaaha illallahul aleemul haleem laailaaha illallahu rabbul arshil azeem, laailaaha illallahu rabbus samaawaati wal ardh wa rabbul arshil kareem.

The weakness of eeman easily takes over us in times of difficulty but we have to trust the words of Allah SWT that verily there is ease after difficulty, verily there is ease after difficulty.

If we fail to turn to Allah SWT, then to whom should we turn? Only in His remembrance, our heart will find some rest for the treasure of all good is only in HIs SWT hands. No one can elevate the pain from us other than Him SWT. I would request her to wake up in the third third of night and make duaa. inshaaAllah things will be sorted out. Allahu alam

[indahouweres]

One thing more, she's soooo mad that her life has turned out the way it is. And she's over sheikh's and mufti's - according to her, she gave her life to one sheikh and if anything it was a horrible failure, failure to strengthen her marriage, failure to bring her closer to Allah in the way that she had desired.

This life is a test.
This test is not a game like hide and seek. It is real.
If you want I can find a few posts here itself where people have gone through tough times but they still conduct themselves in such ways that a casual person will not notice at all that this brother or sister have gone through some thing very trying. Your friend too is going through her trial. When Allah(SWT) want to bestow a status on some one that he or she can not achieve by their efforts then He gets them involved in such situations which they can not handle. Slowly, and this takes time, they learn to be patient (sabir) on it and reach the status that Allah(SWT) wished for them. And if you try to tell her these things then her most probable answer will be that why didn't Allah(SWT) choose some one else. May Allah(SWT) for give us. The trick is to be emotionally with her so that she knows that you are with her and allow her to fight it out. And there is no reason to loose your own confidence. Allah(SWT) is capable of putting more burden on us than our capacities that is why we beseech Him not to put us this type of burden on us - this supplication is in the end of Surah Baqrah. Hazrat Ali(RA) said that he recognized Allah(SWT) be the defiling of his intentions. He, Hazrat Ali (RA), must have had some intentions which could not bring to fruit. We are talking about fourth pious Caliph. What do we think of ourselves? We are merely His slaves. And life is full of these examples. We of course wish for an easy life but their is no assurance about that. Of course we should keep praying for that. Finally I'll bring to your notice the Verse in which Allah(SWT) tells us that even Prophets (AS) in the pasts had started screaming as to when the help of Allah(SWT) will reach? What do you gather from this statement? This means that even for Prophets Allah(SWT) created such situations that they were left completely bewildered as to when Allah(SWT)'s help shall arrive. Allah(SWT) further continues that Verily the help of Allah(SWT) is very close. This is very touching. Allah(SWT) is sending the help and He knows that His slaves need it at this moment so He reassures them that it is about to come. He did not forget His slaves. He has not forgotten His slaves today also. Of course He sent the help a moment later only and the reason behind that, according to my limited abilities, is that He wants us to become aware that we really need His help. If we always got the help at the very moment when we needed it then we shall start taking it for granted and there are too many people who shall start concluding that there, May Allah(SWT) forgive a million times, is no need of any divine being and the life is cozy cozy as such.

So be patient yourself and keep reminding her also to be patient. That is in Surah Asr. Finally I shall add that it is easy to say but difficult to implement. May Allah(SWT) make it easy for this sister and of course to you also.

[Doctorpills]

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi t3ala wabarakatuhu,
(I dont really post a lot on this side of the forum, but I couldnt resist here, all evil is from myself, and all good is from ALLAH t3ala)

There is not a single person in this world who isnt tested, who doesnt go through trials, and everyones trials are different, remember ALLAH t3ala
only tests someone who he knows can survive the test, you trials sometimes seem like blessings but arent really, for example someone is given a very very good job in which he earns a lot of money, this too is a trial which most dont know, because everyone will be asked about where they spent their money, so some people waste there money in useless things, some in luxury, some show off with it, some spend it in sins and haram, and there are some who give the poor and needy, and then there are also bad trials like hardships like the divorce, so she explain to her that she is not the only one, everyone around her is beinf tested, the dunya is a test, this life is all a test.

This sister is mashaALLAH loved by ALLAH t3ala, because ALLAH t3ala only tests the people
he loves, so trials are like a sign on his love, and they can be for few different reasons:
- One has lost his relationship with ALLAH t3ala, so ALLAH t3ala wants to reconnect with him
- This is a test from ALLAH t3ala to see how much imaan this person has? If he is bestowed upon will he praise his lord, and
if hardships have befallen him, will he complain? or be patient?
- ALLAH t3ala washes away his sins through these trials
- ALLAH t3ala raises his status in jannah because of these trials and patience.

ALLAH t3ala is wise and everything he does has wisdom in it, this may seem like the biggest problem in the world,
or like the end of the world, but there will come a time when she will look back at this time and wont even remember all her pain due to all
the happiness. Tell her that this is her test, this is her time to be patient, the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said: (mafhoom: inna mas-sabru inda-sadma-til-oola)
Verily patience is in the real beginning of the hardship (which means this is the time to be patient the beginning, not after one sees that they have no choice,
and are tired of complaining because they no its not going to help so they end up being patient, but the real patience is in the real beginning and thats one
one you will be greatly blessed for.)

These hardships are to remind us that this world is not for luxury, or fun, this is a test, we have to keep in mind our purpose
of coming into this world, these problems should being us closer to ALLAH t3ala, tell her not to lose hope, not to lose her trust in
ALLAH t3ala, he loves her, and he wants her to come to him and cry, and ask for help, he is listening, he is with her. Complaining
or losing hope in everyone wont help her, instead she needs to turn to ALLAH t3ala, she needs to pass this test, it will pass, it will pass,
and inshaALLAH in no time, ALLAH t3ala will bestow her with the greatest reward ever. This is nothing compared to what other people
go through in this world, nothing...There are children who are homeless from whose parents, family members have passed away, and they
are left on the streets, doing labor to live. There are people who are in the hospital with no family member to care for them, in so much pain,
they just want to die, there are people who are so so ill at home, and dont have enough money to go to the hospital, so they spend nights and days
in 24/7 pain and torture. There are people who dont have anything to eat for days, no shelter to be safe, no clothes to cover themselves.
Look at the world, everyone is crying, dont blind yourself with those who are living in haram luxury, you dont know how much they cry for peace
or if they can even sleep at night, you dont know what problems they hide, always look at the ones below you, that way you will never complain.

There are sahabiyaat who lost their sons and husband in one day in the path of ALLAH t3ala, the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam went through
so much pain and so many troubles, we cant even imagine. Prophet ibrahim alaihissalam, prophet yaqoob alaihissalam, prophet yunus alaihissalam, all of
these prophets were human too, they werent angels, they felt all the pain too, but they kept their trust in ALLAH t3ala, they never complained, thats
why ALLAH t3ala made them prophets. Tell her to read stories about all these prophets, sahabah, our aslaaf...

Remind her that ALLAH t3ala loves her, she needs to turn to him, just tell her to try just once, not to complain her pain to anyone, anyone at all,
and wake up in the middle of the night, and sit in front of ALLAH t3ala, and tell him everything, every single thing, even though he knows, just share with him
and cry, and she will see, her heart will feel at peace, tell her to hand over all her problems to ALLAH t3ala, give him all the control, and watch how he shall
fix everything. It may not be right away, but it will definitely happen.

Tell her not to lose her hope in shuyookh, I can understand why she feels that way, but remember a shaikh is not a shaikh until
he acts upon his knowledge, so whoever she married for a shaikh just by name, and just because of him, she shouldn't think bad about
all the rest of the shuyookh because of this one guy, its understandable, but remember thats why ulema 'soo' will be in the most bottom
level of jannah, because of their lack on implementing what they study, but then there are very very religious pious shuyookh...

Finally, tell her to make lots of dua, and read different duas like (hasbiyallahu wa ni3mal wakeel: this dua is very very very benefitcial)
and (allahumma'jurni fi museebati wakhluf li khairan minha) This is the same dua hadhrat umme salamah radhiyallahu t3ala anha read when her
husband passed away, and before that her she used to say I wont read this dua, because where can I ever find a husband better than mines..
so after he passed away, the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam told her to read it, and guess who she married due to this dua?? The prophet sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam! Now tell me, can there ever be a better husband than him? InshaALLAH t3ala she too will get a much much much better husband
who shall keep her happy. Verily after difficulty there is ease! Tell her not to tel herself how big her problems are, but to tell her problems
how big her rabb ALLAH t3ala is! May ALLAH t3ala help her, and wash away her sins, and solve her problems/hardships, and give her patience, and the
greatest award in this world and the hereafter, and replace all her worries and her past with the best husband who will keep her happy, and give her
everything she lost in the past, and even more, aameen thumma aameen.