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Old 04-30-2011, 05:50 PM   #1
Tamawaipsemek

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Default Marital problem
Hi,

i am young Muslim , the reason i am posting my problem here is people with age and experience might give me a better solution .

i am only 25* when i got married* got forced in to arrange marriage which was never my cup of tea
but anyhow i was forced to see this girl .. right on the spot .. while i was at my wifes house
the it was decided in 20 minutes that the engagement is going to take place soon
when i went back home i told my mom that hey its too soon etc... and i am not ready in whatever way
financially mentally etc etc they told me they will help me out etc.

To cut the story short i was emotionally black mailed in to this my mom didnt eat or talked to me 3 days
i had to say a yes..

Honestly i didnt see the girl ..i caught a glimpse of her
neither i was attracted to her..

but anyhow in 2 weeks engagement day was there≥.

Which transformed in to a NIKKAH !

no one told me about it .. my mother thought it was a good move .. and on the day i was getting engaged it turned in to a nikkah ..
i was really upset..

after .. that 6 months i called this girl and we dated..

i was not really happy .. not really interested .. or i dont know

we didnt really connect.

after 6 months i move abroad and a year or so passes by i come back and get married*i been talking to her on the phone*

spent hardly 2 months.. didnt had "SEX" because she was to uncomfortable or she wasnt ready
or i dont know what i didnt forced it.

Plus everything seemed so fake so unreal

anyhow i move back after 5 months i come back

now i am living with this girl
and its not really working out
we dont have a good sex life
i dont really enjoy it
we dont mentally connect
we fight all the time

i know shes trying
i know i am trying
its just not working out


shes a very very very nice person
i love her for trying

and i am not really attracted to her

but its not working out


i dont have any complains or what so ever

except we dont really connect


I am a muslim , i dont want to make a stupid mistake

we dont really connect

shes so nice.. she doesnot deserves a guy like me

she deserves some one who can make her .. feel loved
give his best Genuinely

unlike me .. i try but its FAKE

i dont know what to do

i dont want to be a bad guy

i dont want to play with her life
her emotions

i think i made a big mistake
i know i should i have stopped it in the beginning
but i thought i will fall in love she will grow on me
i dont want to be a bad-ie i dont want to do something stupid ..



Any suggestions brothers and sisters
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Old 04-30-2011, 07:41 PM   #2
www.forumsovetov.ru

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Does the girl want to be with you? If shes not asking for separation then what is the problem? Every couple fights and argues, thats one of the enjoyments of marriage.

If your nikkah is fake then what is real? Seems you are reading a tasbih, "This is fake this is fake this is fake this is fake." Turn your tasbih around, "This is real this is real this is real this is real." Read this tasbih 100 times in the morning and evening daily.

Youre not attracted to your wife? Welcome to the real world, this isnt bollywood hollywood. Lots of guys complain about this. Looks fade man, look at her personality, you will find the real beauty there.

Anyways, your heart is not supposed to be attached to wife. Your heart should be attached to Allah swt. Just focus on fulfilling her rights and doing ehsaan on her whether that is by providing food shelter clothing, or smiling at her, or getting her gifts, or spending intimate time with her.

Take it easy bro, dont take this so seriously. Not everything in life goes according to our plans, so we have to use tafweez and radha. If you go towards divorce you are going to give yourself and her an even bigger headache.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:39 PM   #3
dr-eavealer

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Hi,
Your screen name is fake unreal and not working out, so you change that first.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:13 PM   #4
usaguedriedax

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Nice post, FususAlHikam.


Cyber.satan, (I don't like your username, btw LOL), it sounds as though you have had a lot of expectations of how things should be, and then are disappointed when things are not as you expected. You are unhappy with how you got married. You are unhappy with your age at marriage. You are unhappy that when you went to visit there was no sex yet. Unhappy, unhappy, unhappy....... What are you happy about? You say she is nice and is trying-- that's a start! What else do you like about her? Try looking for the positive qualities about her instead of focusing on all the negatives. You speak of thinking you would fall in love, but maybe you need to re-examine your idea of what love is. Love is not an emotion, nor a feeling, it is an act of your will. Love is an action verb. Love is a choice. Learn how to live love in your marriage, rather then trying to feel it.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:49 PM   #5
Tamawaipsemek

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Your screen name is fake unreal and not working out, so you change that first.
u want to judge me on my screen name?

how mature ..
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:52 PM   #6
Tamawaipsemek

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so you are pretty much saying is you will live with a women you dont love or care for?

i rather be with some one whom i truly appreciate whom i can provide for whom i have genuine feelings for ..whom i truly connect

so you would rather live with some one and fake your emotions all your entire life?

isnt that the biggest lie?

you would rather have babies with some one whom u cant even look in her eyes and say i love you?


Nice post, FususAlHikam.


Cyber.satan, (I don't like your username, btw LOL), it sounds as though you have had a lot of expectations of how things should be, and then are disappointed when things are not as you expected. You are unhappy with how you got married. You are unhappy with your age at marriage. You are unhappy that when you went to visit there was no sex yet. Unhappy, unhappy, unhappy....... What are you happy about? You say she is nice and is trying-- that's a start! What else do you like about her? Try looking for the positive qualities about her instead of focusing on all the negatives. You speak of thinking you would fall in love, but maybe you need to re-examine your idea of what love is. Love is not an emotion, nor a feeling, it is an act of your will. Love is an action verb. Love is a choice. Learn how to live love in your marriage, rather then trying to feel it.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:57 PM   #7
Tamawaipsemek

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with all your respect buddy

i am more than practical .. what is with most of the people on this forums having a JUDGMENTAL APPROACH !
if i am having this problem it doesn't means i am not a practical person , i am not an average day joe ?

No its not a tasbieh its a problem .. i tried for two years.. !
YOU THINK BEING WITH SOME ONE who u dont really have genuine feelings for ..
and you keep on lying on every corner of your life to her ..
i think thats a bigger sin than living with her for the rest of my life ..

Thank you for nothing ... because i honesltly dont like people who just starts judging people just based on some little detail they share..

what i am going through is a comman thing..

i am trying my best..
i know my Allah , the connection between me .. is b.w him and me ..
i rather be not judged here

all i wanted was a good mature piece of advice not your
CRITICISM




Does the girl want to be with you? If shes not asking for separation then what is the problem? Every couple fights and argues, thats one of the enjoyments of marriage.

If your nikkah is fake then what is real? Seems you are reading a tasbih, "This is fake this is fake this is fake this is fake." Turn your tasbih around, "This is real this is real this is real this is real." Read this tasbih 100 times in the morning and evening daily.

Youre not attracted to your wife? Welcome to the real world, this isnt bollywood hollywood. Lots of guys complain about this. Looks fade man, look at her personality, you will find the real beauty there.

Anyways, your heart is not supposed to be attached to wife. Your heart should be attached to Allah swt. Just focus on fulfilling her rights and doing ehsaan on her whether that is by providing food shelter clothing, or smiling at her, or getting her gifts, or spending intimate time with her.

Take it easy bro, dont take this so seriously. Not everything in life goes according to our plans, so we have to use tafweez and radha. If you go towards divorce you are going to give yourself and her an even bigger headache.
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Old 04-30-2011, 10:52 PM   #8
SetSnonejog

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Try reading at least the first book linked below.
http://www.khanqah.org/books/show/th...y-married-life
http://www.khanqah.org/books/show/rights-of-women
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Old 04-30-2011, 11:05 PM   #9
Poreponko

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so you are pretty much saying is you will live with a women you dont love or care for?

i rather be with some one whom i truly appreciate whom i can provide for whom i have genuine feelings for ..whom i truly connect

so you would rather live with some one and fake your emotions all your entire life?

isnt that the biggest lie?

you would rather have babies with some one whom u cant even look in her eyes and say i love you?
The bitter truth is brother that marriage is more than often never what we expect or hope for. That's probably why it is half our deen. It is a big test. Even if you were to marry someone you "connect" with, you will still have issues and problems and if you don't address these problems your marriage will slowly breakdown. Whether it is with your wife or someone else, bottom line is you have to work at marriage and not just expect everything to fall into place like a fairytale.

You don't necessarily have to love someone to be married to them. Love is something that grows with time. You say your wife is trying and you like that about her, so why not give it time? Why not focus on the other things that you like about her and give her a chance? She seems like she is willing to try. There are many people out there whose husbands/wives are not even willing to make a go of it and you are lucky that your wife tries to please you even though clearly you are not into her and she probably feels/knows that. Despite that she makes an effort with you. Doesn't that show you she is a good person? She could potentially be the perfect women for you but you have to #1 try and #2 give it time.

It very rarely happens that two people fall in love, marry and live happily ever after. There are a lot of sacrifices and compromises you have to make and a lot of effort has to be put in. Stop focusing on the way in which you got married (you say you were forced), instead look at what you have now in your wife and make sure things work. Do things together, just the two of you. This will give you both the opportunity to connect. You have to lead by taking a positive loving role as a husband and your wife is clearly willing to follow, combine that with good intentions to please Allah and surely Allah will help you both and make you both happy. ameen.
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Old 04-30-2011, 11:28 PM   #10
fiettariaps

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Get a divorce.

Neither of you are happy and it is best to part ways unless you want to waste time faking it. You're young. You're not compatible. I wish parents who have the son/daughters trust would treat them with a bit more respect especially when they are adults. It's a sham.




Hi,

i am young Muslim , the reason i am posting my problem here is people with age and experience might give me a better solution .

i am only 25* when i got married* got forced in to arrange marriage which was never my cup of tea
but anyhow i was forced to see this girl .. right on the spot .. while i was at my wifes house
the it was decided in 20 minutes that the engagement is going to take place soon
when i went back home i told my mom that hey its too soon etc... and i am not ready in whatever way
financially mentally etc etc they told me they will help me out etc.

To cut the story short i was emotionally black mailed in to this my mom didnt eat or talked to me 3 days
i had to say a yes..

Honestly i didnt see the girl ..i caught a glimpse of her
neither i was attracted to her..

but anyhow in 2 weeks engagement day was there≥.

Which transformed in to a NIKKAH !

no one told me about it .. my mother thought it was a good move .. and on the day i was getting engaged it turned in to a nikkah ..
i was really upset..

after .. that 6 months i called this girl and we dated..

i was not really happy .. not really interested .. or i dont know

we didnt really connect.

after 6 months i move abroad and a year or so passes by i come back and get married*i been talking to her on the phone*

spent hardly 2 months.. didnt had "SEX" because she was to uncomfortable or she wasnt ready
or i dont know what i didnt forced it.

Plus everything seemed so fake so unreal

anyhow i move back after 5 months i come back

now i am living with this girl
and its not really working out
we dont have a good sex life
i dont really enjoy it
we dont mentally connect
we fight all the time

i know shes trying
i know i am trying
its just not working out


shes a very very very nice person
i love her for trying

and i am not really attracted to her

but its not working out


i dont have any complains or what so ever

except we dont really connect


I am a muslim , i dont want to make a stupid mistake

we dont really connect

shes so nice.. she doesnot deserves a guy like me

she deserves some one who can make her .. feel loved
give his best Genuinely

unlike me .. i try but its FAKE

i dont know what to do

i dont want to be a bad guy

i dont want to play with her life
her emotions

i think i made a big mistake
i know i should i have stopped it in the beginning
but i thought i will fall in love she will grow on me
i dont want to be a bad-ie i dont want to do something stupid ..



Any suggestions brothers and sisters
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Old 04-30-2011, 11:41 PM   #11
usaguedriedax

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Get a divorce.

Neither of you are happy and it is best to part ways unless you want to waste time faking it. You're young. You're not compatible. I wish parents who have the son/daughters trust would treat them with a bit more respect especially when they are adults. It's a sham.



This is what he wanted to hear anyhow. People ask for advice, but they really don't want advice. What they want is for people to tell them to do what they want to do anyhow.
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Old 04-30-2011, 11:42 PM   #12
Thomas12400

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u want to judge me on my screen name?

how mature ..
Internet shaitaan

Youve had some good advice mate, u should go away and reflect on.

And yeah youre name suggests that you are not serious in taking advice unless youre name really is cyber shaitan why choose such a hideous username?
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Old 04-30-2011, 11:50 PM   #13
fiettariaps

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This is what he wanted to hear anyhow. People ask for advice, but they really don't want advice. What they want is for people to tell them to do what they want to do anyhow.
I'm singing in the rain..
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Old 05-01-2011, 01:09 AM   #14
Zmniubqr

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Bismillah Al-Rehman Al-Raheem

Dear Brother:

I understand and sympathize with your frustrations.

From your words, I can hear clearly you are not happy. I know you feel like you cannot love the woman. I know you feel trapped in the marriage. Unfortunately, your complaint is not an uncommon one in forced arranged marriages.

You are in a situation not entirely one of your making, but I also believe like the others that you should not give up on the marriage. You may feel that divorce is the answer to your problems, a viable solution, but I have to be honest, that I believe that the divorce should be the last option you give yourself of other options.

Why do I say this? For definite reasons. And for your sake.

As an unbiased observer of your marriage from the small details (also having read between the lines) of your posts in the thread, I see points that I am not sure you do, points easy to miss but perhaps worth looking over:

In a marriage like this, do you imagine your spouse is ignorant of your lack of love for her or your dislike of the marriage? Have you not told your dislike of the situation to her in arguments (at any point in your marriage)? Have you considered you might have transferred your resentment of the circumstances forced on you by your parents onto your marriage? If you had met her under different circumstances, like at a friend’s wedding, seeing her laughing or participating in a conversation that would animate her face, might you, might you not have been attracted to some feature of her personality? Have you ever considered that you might not have been her idea of her ideal husband either?

These are questions I think you should honestly think long and hard on and answer to yourself in the privacy of your heart and mind. The answers might be worth exploring, I believe.

Communication is an important part of marriage, and I don’t mean just the language of words we use in speaking. The nonverbal signals and cues and behaviors in which we indulge which also form part of the package.

In just a few words, you managed to communicate to us your frustration, dislike, and resentment. Have you then wondered what you might have communicated to her in your marriage, especially in nonverbal language? Then, do you not think her attitude might be reciprocal as a defense mechanism against your attitude?

People say, “Actions speak louder than words.” I am not sure your actions, though superficially might have seemed (or seem) aboveboard to you, could not have at least as much contributed to the deterioration of your marriage into a cycle of arguments, however unintentional. I am, however, not interested in the “blame game.” I am sure neither are you! The past is past. But I do think it is important for you to analyze your own situation to the fullest extent so that you may be in possession of the fullest understanding.

Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Self-fulfilling prophecies occur when an individual acts in a manner that serves to bring about the very circumstances that the person expects to happen due to expectation or judgment of self (or even others) in a given situation or set of circumstances.

To explain this, I will give you a true life example. In a social science experiment, teachers were told that so-and-so students in her class were “gifted” when they were actually average or just above average. However, due to the teachers expecting those students to be performing well, they started giving the students more of their time and attention, as a result of which the students did start performing brilliantly despite not being brilliant students. These students performed well then because their teachers’ expectations communicated to them and then they in turn adopted the same expectations of themselves. So, the experiment revealed the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. It is for the same reason that researchers have discovered patients, when given sugar pill, in lieu of actual pills also recover from their complaints. This is the power of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now to put the situation, as it pertains to you, into perspective: I believe that you disliked your wife-to-be before marriage, and though you wanted your feelings to change, you did not really expect your feelings to change. Thus, your feelings did not change. I may be wrong, but I also think that you have a hard time thinking of your wife as an individual in her own right and keep thinking her of as the spouse you did not want and did not choose of your own free will.

Marriage is already a risky business and involves burdens of the mind, emotions, and soul, which if shared, makes marriage a heaven. If not shared, marriage is hell. So, to have the added burden of your self-fulfilling prophecy, especially as your marriage already started on shaky ground, your marriage is now under considerable strain.

To alleviate the strain, I do recommend that you change and revitalize your attitude. Instead of focusing on what you dislike about her or why you do not feel as drawn to her, focus on yourself and what you can do to make your marriage a success.

Consider this a project of sorts. Romance her, dine her, take a vacation with her, do fun activities with her (kayaking, camping, hiking, or whatever suits your taste), rev up your love life. Foreplay should not be something you do just before you have sex with her, but it should be all day long, like brushing her hair from her nape, surprising her with a kiss, whispering in her ear, holding her hand, etc.

Everyday, tell yourself what you appreciate in her or about her and then make an effort to tell her also. Wake up in the morning and in the mirror tell yourself, “I am going to make this marriage a success.” Then, for the sake of Allah, pray for your success. Because your success means your marriage’s success also and vice versa!

Here’s a famous anecdote from a best-selling book by Carnegie that might illustrate the power of appreciation:

A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’”

The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’

“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That’s right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized as she had requested.”

“The following Sunday at church, after she reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”


If you do not see a change in her attitude or your marriage as a result of changing your mental state, then I do not imagine I have learned anything about people. Attitude is one of the forgotten ingredients to the recipe of a good marital life. Nobody is saying that you have to stay in an intolerable situation, but people are saying that you should not give up on a marriage when the brand-new attitude can give you a brand-new marriage with the wife you already have.

You know, falling in love in our cynical society takes as much effort as anything else as we all have been bombarded with images from our cradle by the movie industry, publications etc. of what love is without being told that infatuation is not the same as mature love that grows out of two people learning to love each other in spite of the flaws, faults, and frowns that we may experience.

Also, I wanted to paraphrase a story I had read a long time ago but which I remember very little; so, I apologize in advance for any mistakes I may make due to memory, but I am trying herein to translate from my memory as faithfully as I can: Once there was a student who had gotten married to a very quarrelsome woman and he hated his wife and wanted to divorce his wife, so he went to his sheikh and asked his advice. His sheikh instead of urging him to divorce urged to wait for one year and practice patience and to behave in an understanding and loving manner towards her. Well, after a year, when asked about this matter and whether he still wanted to divorce his wife, “No, by Allah, I love her.” Apparently, his attitude had changed hers as well and he had in turn learned to love her.

I know you have been in the situation for two years. And this probably seems forever to you, but maybe if you tried again, this time for the sake of Allah, Allah might put love between the two of you for each other in your hearts.

Additionally, Brother, one of the hazards of asking advice is that we may hear words we do not wish to hear. So, please do not misunderstand the responses given in this thread. I do believe that anyone that takes the time to analyze and consider your circumstances will want to judge you or your circumstances but rather help you arrive at a conclusion in your best interests and those of your wife’s. Therefore, I am sure you will appreciate the honesty with which I have taken liberty to speak in this thread, even if you in the end do not agree with my assessment (which is your prerogative and I completely appreciate that).

I might have simplified the matter here, but I can only speak to the information given. And of course, only you can know best what your situation calls for, as we are ultimately only bystanders. That is why I also recommend you do Istikhara if you should feel a pressing need to consider seriously the option of divorce.

I apologize if I did not treat or respond appropriately to what I know is a sensitive situation or caused umbrage inadvertently, but please know that my intention has only been to offer sincere advice.

I wish you the best. I hope you take some time to really think things through and stay positive. Also, I should like to mention as a side note that as Muslims we should be careful as to what we call ourselves as our names are a reflection of ourselves, and therefore we should strive to choose the best names for ourselves, even if they are only in the cyber world.

And Allah knows best.
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Old 05-01-2011, 01:22 AM   #15
picinaRefadia

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Sister Anybody, I have missed your posts! Please continue your invaluable contributions.

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Old 05-01-2011, 02:13 AM   #16
Tamawaipsemek

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First of all just want to thank you for taking the time out and giving me a real postive feed back..

we had an argument last night .. she said the same thing out loud
i can see how much ur trying i can see how hard is it for you
but i can also see its fake ..
its up to you .. if you want to part ways

i didnt know what to say to her..

i love her for being so understanding ..

i just dont want to be a bad person and break it up ..

in this culture back home ..its not a small thing
and i hate the word divorce ..

but what can i do .. my friend?
she doesnt loves me
i dont love her
we both are trying
i dont want to have kids because if i dont have that bond with the person who i wake up next too
i rather not have a kid until we both are ready ..

but .. honestly ..ask your self this?

would u wake up with some one you think u dont like or love or are attracted too?

i doubt it..


The bitter truth is brother that marriage is more than often never what we expect or hope for. That's probably why it is half our deen. It is a big test. Even if you were to marry someone you "connect" with, you will still have issues and problems and if you don't address these problems your marriage will slowly breakdown. Whether it is with your wife or someone else, bottom line is you have to work at marriage and not just expect everything to fall into place like a fairytale.

You don't necessarily have to love someone to be married to them. Love is something that grows with time. You say your wife is trying and you like that about her, so why not give it time? Why not focus on the other things that you like about her and give her a chance? She seems like she is willing to try. There are many people out there whose husbands/wives are not even willing to make a go of it and you are lucky that your wife tries to please you even though clearly you are not into her and she probably feels/knows that. Despite that she makes an effort with you. Doesn't that show you she is a good person? She could potentially be the perfect women for you but you have to #1 try and #2 give it time.

It very rarely happens that two people fall in love, marry and live happily ever after. There are a lot of sacrifices and compromises you have to make and a lot of effort has to be put in. Stop focusing on the way in which you got married (you say you were forced), instead look at what you have now in your wife and make sure things work. Do things together, just the two of you. This will give you both the opportunity to connect. You have to lead by taking a positive loving role as a husband and your wife is clearly willing to follow, combine that with good intentions to please Allah and surely Allah will help you both and make you both happy. ameen.
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Old 05-01-2011, 02:17 AM   #17
Tamawaipsemek

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This is what he wanted to hear anyhow. People ask for advice, but they really don't want advice. What they want is for people to tell them to do what they want to do anyhow.
good one judge me on



people like you should not even bother participating in such forums

why dont you take out time and tell me what would you do when you were in the same situation ..

that would be a better approach for a change ..

THANK YOU
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Old 05-01-2011, 02:21 AM   #18
Tamawaipsemek

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Internet shaitaan

Youve had some good advice mate, u should go away and reflect on.

And yeah youre name suggests that you are not serious in taking advice unless youre name really is cyber shaitan why choose such a hideous username?
who cares about the stupid name !

no wonder we are not progressing in life as compared to other nations and races
because we are too busy in looking at useless details
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Old 05-01-2011, 02:24 AM   #19
Tamawaipsemek

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Thank you so much for your kind words let me go through the post and i will reply
Bismillah Al-Rehman Al-Raheem

Dear Brother:

I understand and sympathize with your frustrations.

From your words, I can hear clearly you are not happy. I know you feel like you cannot love the woman. I know you feel trapped in the marriage. Unfortunately, your complaint is not an uncommon one in forced arranged marriages.

You are in a situation not entirely one of your making, but I also believe like the others that you should not give up on the marriage. You may feel that divorce is the answer to your problems, a viable solution, but I have to be honest, that I believe that the divorce should be the last option you give yourself of other options.

Why do I say this? For definite reasons. And for your sake.

As an unbiased observer of your marriage from the small details (also having read between the lines) of your posts in the thread, I see points that I am not sure you do, points easy to miss but perhaps worth looking over:

In a marriage like this, do you imagine your spouse is ignorant of your lack of love for her or your dislike of the marriage? Have you not told your dislike of the situation to her in arguments (at any point in your marriage)? Have you considered you might have transferred your resentment of the circumstances forced on you by your parents onto your marriage? If you had met her under different circumstances, like at a friend’s wedding, seeing her laughing or participating in a conversation that would animate her face, might you, might you not have been attracted to some feature of her personality? Have you ever considered that you might not have been her idea of her ideal husband either?

These are questions I think you should honestly think long and hard on and answer to yourself in the privacy of your heart and mind. The answers might be worth exploring, I believe.

Communication is an important part of marriage, and I don’t mean just the language of words we use in speaking. The nonverbal signals and cues and behaviors in which we indulge which also form part of the package.

In just a few words, you managed to communicate to us your frustration, dislike, and resentment. Have you then wondered what you might have communicated to her in your marriage, especially in nonverbal language? Then, do you not think her attitude might be reciprocal as a defense mechanism against your attitude?

People say, “Actions speak louder than words.” I am not sure your actions, though superficially might have seemed (or seem) aboveboard to you, could not have at least as much contributed to the deterioration of your marriage into a cycle of arguments, however unintentional. I am, however, not interested in the “blame game.” I am sure neither are you! The past is past. But I do think it is important for you to analyze your own situation to the fullest extent so that you may be in possession of the fullest understanding.

Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Self-fulfilling prophecies occur when an individual acts in a manner that serves to bring about the very circumstances that the person expects to happen due to expectation or judgment of self (or even others) in a given situation or set of circumstances.

To explain this, I will give you a true life example. In a social science experiment, teachers were told that so-and-so students in her class were “gifted” when they were actually average or just above average. However, due to the teachers expecting those students to be performing well, they started giving the students more of their time and attention, as a result of which the students did start performing brilliantly despite not being brilliant students. These students performed well then because their teachers’ expectations communicated to them and then they in turn adopted the same expectations of themselves. So, the experiment revealed the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. It is for the same reason that researchers have discovered patients, when given sugar pill, in lieu of actual pills also recover from their complaints. This is the power of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now to put the situation, as it pertains to you, into perspective: I believe that you disliked your wife-to-be before marriage, and though you wanted your feelings to change, you did not really expect your feelings to change. Thus, your feelings did not change. I may be wrong, but I also think that you have a hard time thinking of your wife as an individual in her own right and keep thinking her of as the spouse you did not want and did not choose of your own free will.

Marriage is already a risky business and involves burdens of the mind, emotions, and soul, which if shared, makes marriage a heaven. If not shared, marriage is hell. So, to have the added burden of your self-fulfilling prophecy, especially as your marriage already started on shaky ground, your marriage is now under considerable strain.

To alleviate the strain, I do recommend that you change and revitalize your attitude. Instead of focusing on what you dislike about her or why you do not feel as drawn to her, focus on yourself and what you can do to make your marriage a success.

Consider this a project of sorts. Romance her, dine her, take a vacation with her, do fun activities with her (kayaking, camping, hiking, or whatever suits your taste), rev up your love life. Foreplay should not be something you do just before you have sex with her, but it should be all day long, like brushing her hair from her nape, surprising her with a kiss, whispering in her ear, holding her hand, etc.

Everyday, tell yourself what you appreciate in her or about her and then make an effort to tell her also. Wake up in the morning and in the mirror tell yourself, “I am going to make this marriage a success.” Then, for the sake of Allah, pray for your success. Because your success means your marriage’s success also and vice versa!

Here’s a famous anecdote from a best-selling book by Carnegie that might illustrate the power of appreciation:

A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’”

The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’

“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That’s right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized as she had requested.”

“The following Sunday at church, after she reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”


If you do not see a change in her attitude or your marriage as a result of changing your mental state, then I do not imagine I have learned anything about people. Attitude is one of the forgotten ingredients to the recipe of a good marital life. Nobody is saying that you have to stay in an intolerable situation, but people are saying that you should not give up on a marriage when the brand-new attitude can give you a brand-new marriage with the wife you already have.

You know, falling in love in our cynical society takes as much effort as anything else as we all have been bombarded with images from our cradle by the movie industry, publications etc. of what love is without being told that infatuation is not the same as mature love that grows out of two people learning to love each other in spite of the flaws, faults, and frowns that we may experience.

Also, I wanted to paraphrase a story I had read a long time ago but which I remember very little; so, I apologize in advance for any mistakes I may make due to memory, but I am trying herein to translate from my memory as faithfully as I can: Once there was a student who had gotten married to a very quarrelsome woman and he hated his wife and wanted to divorce his wife, so he went to his sheikh and asked his advice. His sheikh instead of urging him to divorce urged to wait for one year and practice patience and to behave in an understanding and loving manner towards her. Well, after a year, when asked about this matter and whether he still wanted to divorce his wife, “No, by Allah, I love her.” Apparently, his attitude had changed hers as well and he had in turn learned to love her.

I know you have been in the situation for two years. And this probably seems forever to you, but maybe if you tried again, this time for the sake of Allah, Allah might put love between the two of you for each other in your hearts.

Additionally, Brother, one of the hazards of asking advice is that we may hear words we do not wish to hear. So, please do not misunderstand the responses given in this thread. I do believe that anyone that takes the time to analyze and consider your circumstances will want to judge you or your circumstances but rather help you arrive at a conclusion in your best interests and those of your wife’s. Therefore, I am sure you will appreciate the honesty with which I have taken liberty to speak in this thread, even if you in the end do not agree with my assessment (which is your prerogative and I completely appreciate that).

I might have simplified the matter here, but I can only speak to the information given. And of course, only you can know best what your situation calls for, as we are ultimately only bystanders. That is why I also recommend you do Istikhara if you should feel a pressing need to consider seriously the option of divorce.

I apologize if I did not treat or respond appropriately to what I know is a sensitive situation or caused umbrage inadvertently, but please know that my intention has only been to offer sincere advice.

I wish you the best. I hope you take some time to really think things through and stay positive. Also, I should like to mention as a side note that as Muslims we should be careful as to what we call ourselves as our names are a reflection of ourselves, and therefore we should strive to choose the best names for ourselves, even if they are only in the cyber world.

And Allah knows best.
Tamawaipsemek is offline


Old 05-01-2011, 02:35 AM   #20
Qualarrizab

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Oct 2005
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Sister Anybody, I have missed your posts! Please continue your invaluable contributions.

definitely invaluable advice masha Allah! we could all benefit from respected sister Anybody's post. marraige relationships can be so fragile...once damaged, never the same again.
Qualarrizab is offline



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