[trilochana.nejman]

Crucify is one of the first Tori songs I heard back in the mid-90s. It amazed me and spoke to me (along with the rest of LE, although Crucify was always a standout).

Lyrics:

every finger in the room
is pointing at me
i wanna spit in their faces
then i get afraid what that could bring
i got a bowling ball in my stomach
i got a desert in my mouth
figures that my COURAGE
would choose to sell out nowi’ve been looking for a savior
in these dirty streets
looking for a savior
beneath these dirty sheets
i’ve been raising up my hands
drive another nail in
just what GOD needs
one more victim
why do we crucify ourselves
every day i crucify myself
nothing i do is good enough for you
crucify myself
every day
i crucify myself
and my HEART is sick of being
in chains
got a kick for a dog
beggin’ for LOVE
i gotta have my suffering
so that i can have my cross
i know a cat named easter
he says will you ever learn
you’re just an empty cage girl
if you kill the bird
i’ve been looking for a savior
in these dirty streets
looking for a savior
beneath these dirty sheets
i’ve been raising up my hands
drive another nail in
got enough GUILT to start
my own religion
why do we crucify ourselves
every day i crucify myself
nothing i do is good enough for you
crucify myself
every day i crucify myself
and my HEART is sick of being in chains
please be
save me
i CRY
looking for a savior
in these dirty streets
looking for a savior
beneath these dirty sheets
i’ve been raising up my hands
drive another nail in
where are those angels
when you need them
why do we crucify ourselves
every day i crucify myself
nothing i do is good enough for you
crucify myself
every day i crucify myself
and my HEART is sick of being
in chains
why do we
crucify ourselves
everyday
never going back again
crucify myself
again you know
never going back again to
crucify myself
everyday

Some quotes from toriphoria:

“Bells started going off every time I wouldn’t stick up for myself. I accepted Quasimodo was a squatter in my cerebral area. A rhythmic pattern kept chasing me around. I dug out the drum machine and put the pattern down. I would leave that pattern on for hours while I just sat and argued with myself about stuff. The first music to get put to the pattern was the ‘B’ section, ‘I’ve been looking for a saviour’... a door opened and the demons started to show up.” [Little Earthquakes songbook] "I know a cat named Easter he says: will you ever learn? You’re just an empty cage girl, if you kill the bird… "

“That cat is Jesus. He’s my love [smiles]. He gives me wisdom. The rest is up to yourself.” [Oor - March 7, 1992]

“I’ve been in the alternative stations because they won’t play my lyrics. The whole Bible-belt banned me for ‘Crucify’ because they thought I was being sacrilegous. They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous. So ‘Crucify’ was banned and ‘Silent All These Years’ using 4-letter words, I think.” [Hollywood Report - September 10, 1992] From HIMH:

“I would get taken advantage of. You know, do things for somebody, and … they walk over you, or … want to make you feel like nothing. ["Crucify" video clip] I do think that there’re times when we can all be pretty abusive, and we can be those victims, and we change roles with ourselves.”
– Tori; The Tori Papers #1: First Look Video Interview, Fall 1995

Got enough guilt to start my own religion: “I have that guilt still. I’m still working through this idea of giving myself completely to this man I’m with because he is my best friend and someone I respect. Yet he is also someone I need to slam me against a wall and fuck me. And love me as well. The concept of both being part of the one relationship is still hard for me to accept. Because I’ve been taught that being fucked against a wall, or anywhere, is not love. Who the fuck thought up *that* idea? That notion has kept marriages from working, people from giving to each other and both sexes under control for centuries.”
– Tori; Hot Press, 1994 The term crucify implies being persecuted, but the song changes it to what we do to ourselves. “Never going back to crucify MYSELF”, not “never going back to be crucified by others”. It's what makes this song so relatable. It's bad enough when people do shitty things to us, to crucify us, but sometimes we blame ourselves, or give ourselves too much of a hard time for when we do fuck up. The lyrics are poetic, yet still decipherable.

And while I don't believe in them, sometimes when things are especially bad, I do think “where are those angels?” I think that train of thought continues to haunt her, like the “No angel came” in Juarez.


Its music video




As he says himself, this is her US network debut on Letterman. A great look at how much the song has evolved since then. And, until 2011, a rare non-Matt/Jon/Phelps/Caton, non-solo arrangement.




Another early appearance on Dennis Miller, which I hadn't seen before today




For contrast, its most recent live performances:




She's more confident with it now, but it also has lost some of its rawness, and that edge was helped make it so compelling at first. So while she doesn't seem nervous doing it now, it sometimes seems phoned in. I'm not sure if it was a missed opportunity when it wasn't played with the SQ. I like it better sometimes with the band, but it wasn't begging to be done with the SQ. I'm sure most of us would have rather had it than MC and BW, but it wasn't as much of a must-have as Precious Things, for example.

My favorite live version is the '03 “Never going back/no way...This I swear” one. I know a lot of people hate WTSF and that song in particular, but I listen to it often. It helps me try to come to terms with my own stuff. It gives me a little pat on the back too, with the “crawled my way back.” I wasn't sure if I could post a WTSF link so here is another 03 one, not as good as WTSF for me. The WTSF is one of my top 5 Tori live performances because of how it makes me feel.... even if it is 10 minutes long.

[Z2sc8gEz]

i love the WTSF crucify also.

[surefireinvest]

i always enjoy crucify (except maybe in 2005), but the 2003 versions are my favorite as well.

adore

[clorkergo]

the WTSF one is, i think, the definitive version for me.

[anfuckinggs]

I think my favorite versions came from the 5.5 Weeks Tour in 1999. I loved the bass sounds that Jon Evans used in it. Sounded very sexy.

[Sipewrio]

This was one of the first Tori songs I heard. To this day, it's a favorite. I like every version of the song, I think-I go through phases with each one. Boston 07 is my current fave, but this thread makes me want to revisit the '03 version. I LOOOVE the performance from Scarlet Sessions, and wish it had the length of the regular show versions from that era. This song jolts me out of the pity parties I sometimes have for myself, and reminds me to never go back to the way I was in my first relationship. Love, love, love this song!!

[SantaGanstag]

I used to not like the WTSF performance...but now really like it. I think it is one the strongest song performance from that DVD. I do think she gave better renditions of it during that tour, but I do love that incarnation of it

[standaman]

Crucify is an iconic Tori song, in a class with Precious, Silent, Cornflake Girl etc. It is one of those songs that really epitomises what and who she is as an artist. It is the perfect beginning to her debut album and sets the scene for the kind of journey we are going to go on, not just through LE, but also through subsequent albums too.

I think it makes a clear statement: yes, I've been fucked over by others and I've been looking for someone else to make me feel better about that, but there is no one else. It has to be me, I have to take some responsibility if I am going to accept and heal and change. I have always liked how she took the religious imagery of being crucified and turned it into the personal. I always find Crucify to be at once heart-breaking (like I've been betrayed) but also hopeful (that now I've got this, and I can keep moving on).

The opening verse

every finger in the room is pointing at me
i wanna spit in their faces then i get afraid what that could bring
i got a bowling ball in my stomach, i got a desert in my mouth
figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now

is so fucking perfect. It just KILLS.

I also adore the "I have crawled my way back" versions from the 03 tour, as well as the versions from 99 which are really tight and quite sultry.



I think this is the Scarlet Sessions version (although I could be wrong, because it just says Trio):



Anyway, I just love Crucify. It's quintessential Tori. It has been reincarnated live a thousand different ways, but I'm always glad to see it. The official video is fabulous (I love the dancing waitress Tori's). It is just

[elalmhicabalp]

I sing a little bit of this to myself on an almost daily basis, especially with stuff I'm going through now. I actually wanted the lyric "never going back again" on a tattoo, back when I thought a Tori tattoo would be a good idea. It's one of my favorites, and yet I feel like it's a bit misunderstood by casual listeners. People hear a lyric like "nothing I do is good enough for you" and think it's just another mopey '90s artifact, but it's actually about overcoming cowardice. It's definitely not a happy song, it's more like anger directed at the self, but for a purpose.

The best live version might actually be Welcome to Sunny Florida, IMO. I know that's contentious, but I love what she added to it and it just hasn't been as compelling since.

[Suvaxal]

He comes to me sometimes
He comes to me right now
Here

intro in the Scarlet reincarnations were pretty fab, imo. It was more of a relaxed view on that cat named Easter, considering the (somewhat varied) intros she used throughout the tour.

[aburva.org]

whoa, i thought crucify was the most hated song of the '02-'03 tour. am i imagining that? it seems to get a lot of hate back in the day during the tour. i certainly did not care for it at all. it was way too long, and it wasn't worth sitting through for the "I.HAVE.CRAWLED.MY.WAY. BACK" part at the end.

in fact, the only live version i enjoyed was most recently in atlanta. it was solo and gorgeous and not dragged out at all.

it still remains one of my favorite songs ever though.

[anfuckinggs]

It did get a lot of hate and ridicule, but over time, I think people recognize its brilliance.

[Suvaxal]

whoa, i thought crucify was the most hated song of the '02-'03 tour. am i imagining that? it seems to get a lot of hate back in the day during the tour. i certainly did not care for it at all. it was way too long, and it wasn't worth sitting through for the "I.HAVE.CRAWLED.MY.WAY. BACK" part at the end.

in fact, the only live version i enjoyed was most recently in atlanta. it was solo and gorgeous and not dragged out at all.

it still remains one of my favorite songs ever though.

can't say it's my go to all the time for Crucify, but I am currently wired on flu meds and long and trippy suits me right now

[sueplydup]

Small gripe, but it drives me nuts that she always says "levery day" in all the '92 (and possibly '94 also? can't remember) performances of this song. Whyyyyy. But it is a brilliant song, of course, and I'll happily jump on the love bandwagon for the WTSF version.

[levitratestimon]

Crucify is absolutely one of those go to songs I would use if trying to introduce someone to Tori's music, I think it sums up everything she does best.

[77Dinaartickire]

Just a brilliant song. Definitive Tori. The music is urgent and dynamic, and the lyrics are frank but so well-drawn and organic. I also love the transition from the desperation of the bridge ("save me") to the firm resoluteness of the outro ("never going back"). And while the video has its share of lolworthy moments, the ending image of the cheerleaders is one of my absolute favorite Tori visuals ever. How very Tori to include a little bit of silly, absurd humor at the end of such a cathartic song.

[appleiphoneees]

Always been a favorite of mine. I especially love the single edit version with that little guitar riff that starts at the beginning of the second verse. So sexy. I also love the video. It's my favorite of all the LE videos. I just love the white piano, bright blue outfit (jump suit?), fire red hair. And what's better than the multi Tori's at the end doing the cute litte dance? Nothing.

ETA: Oh, I guess it's not a white piano. I must be thinking of the Winter video.

[anfuckinggs]

I always thought her outfit was more green than blue.