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I was at my best friend's parent's house on Sunday for Memorial Day/Dad's birthday party. I am really close with his parents as well (we call them Mom and Dad). To give some background, my best friend and his parents are heavy drinkers and talk a little nastier than most people I'm around (they're eccentric). We were drinking all day, and at one point in the evening my wife either asked for something or did something silly (can't remember exactly) and my best friend said, "Sure, you'll just have to lift up your shirt." I was really uncomfortable about that - borderline pissed.

For one, I would never ask another man's wife to lift up her shirt (even joking). Two, he knows all about the infidelity from last year and how bad it affected me. Although he said it in front of everyone at the party, and laughed about it, I did not like it at all. I told him that we should start with his wife first, since he thought it was such a good idea. He kinda felt challenged (I guess) and then turned to his wife and asked her to do it, like it was not that big of a deal. She looked a little like WTF, and said that she had one only one piece (dress) that she would have to pull all the way up (and laughed). She never even tried, but it did not sit well with me. What do you guys think? Am I being a jerk or would you find this to be inappropriate? I obviously can't help feel what I feel. It is who I am, afterall.

The next day I told my wife about it, and she didn't think much about it. I also felt a little irritated with her for not saying anything to him directly (she just laughed it off). She wasn't even offended by it. Am I just more principled and respectful or is this normal for most people? To be honest, this is the EXACT same issue I am worried about with her. Will she be able to say no to a man in this position (rhetorical question) but in a different environment. I feel married to a ticking time bomb!!

P.S. I haven't formally addressed it with my friend yet, and don't exactly know how to. Part of me feels like "why bother trying to police my own wife," and another part feels like telling him "don't tread on my f'n turf, bro." I am very conflicted right now, and I don't know how to handle my feelings on it. I almost feel like mentally throwing in the towel and just ride this marriage out till the kids are older and away, keeping the marriage to my benefit until then. I am not sure that I will EVER trust her again. I almost feel like she is pretty much just any man's girl, really, who wants her bad enough to tell her so. My marriage had been going so well lately, too. It's amazing how wonderful things are when the waters are untested. Any advice here would be helpful. I already know my wife and I's feelings on it.

[LsrSRVxR]

I am relatively new here but have a couple of thoughts on your situation. I can understand how you would question your wife's fidelity if she didn't say something back right away because even though it's an odd situation, it could be taken as flirting and if she doesn't reject flirting in front of you I would wonder how she responds to flirting when you are not around. Did she seem to enjoy it or feel uncomfortable? That being said, if one of my husbands friends said that to me in front of my husband, I would hope that my husband would step in and stick up for me, saying something along the lines of don't talk to my wife like that, or back me up whatever my response would be. Honestly, I would have responded with, you're kidding, right? Or give me a break, and look at my husband to finish the conversation. My husband is the WS though, and avoids conflict so I don't know that he would back me up as I would like, but I would hope he would make it clear that it's not ok to talk to me like that.

The other response I have is about being around heavy drinking, and I come from a family of heavy drinkers but my husband and I don't drink a lot together. When he is home it's maybe once a month. So I have been put into many uncomfortable situations during heavy drinking settings and now have a general guideline that has eliminated these uncomfortable situations all together. It is this- once you see that third drink poured you leave! If these types of situations continue to arise around heavy drinking, just don't stick around. It was hard at first to stick to this rule, sometimes it means leaving at a socially awkward time, but if it persists or gets worse, it's probably not a good environment, it doesn't seem to bring out the best in everybody.

Last thought is do you think your friend treated your wife disrespectfully because he knows what happened? Maybe his change in respect for her contributed to why he said that. I assume he isn't attracted to her but the thought also crossed my mind that he was testing the waters with her, why he would do that in front of everyone I have no idea but privately it would be considered hitting on somebody.

It sounds like you are still worried about your wife straying, what an awful feeling to feel like she could be anyone's man. Does she know how close you are to throwing in the towel? It's so hard to live like this, not knowing what is going to trigger the terrible thoughts and feelings of doubt. Are you all going through counseling? I will read your past posts so I can see what you have been trough already and see if there is anything else I can offer. Sorry you are going through all this. It's really tough.

Faithhopecharity