[Krruqgwt]

Since discovering my husbands long affair and that I had no clue who he really was...I have been obsessed with researching "cheater" stuff on the internet, have read several books about betrayal, cheaters, healing, etc

Anyone else do this?

I am now here hoping to find friends to share with, who really understand the horror of trying to live with betrayal. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and am barely staying sane.

[craditc]

Yes - if you read my thread wrt Dr. Phil (UGH -- SHUDDER) you will see that I write that after discovery day I became obsessed with cheater shows on tv. I immediately watched a documentary on infidelity. I watched that terrible show "cheaters' 3 times. I could go on, but you get the point.

KitKat

[Mypepraipse]

You have come to a good place to find someone who understands what you are going through. Trying to understand why a person cheats will drive you crazy. In trying to do so, people look to themselves to see if something in their life lead the person to do this. This leads to a wrong way of thinking. How many people do you know that have been cheated on start to believe that,

If I had gave him/her more attention....
If I had paid more attention........
If I had been more sexually active.....
etc.........

This is why most cheaters take advantage of a victim by blame shifting. The truth is that there are no valid arguments to someone cheating on their spouse or partner. And another truth is, the cheater is a dishonest person. If they were honest, they wouldn't break vows and risk someone they supposed to love to disease, heartache and devastate their lives.

Trying to understand a cheater will drive you crazy. But it is a common thing a vitcim will do. The trick is to understand what will make you feel better, and what you need to get through these times.

[craditc]

Skirt just gave you some good advice.

IT is true -- you will go in circles trying to figure out what makes a cheater do what s/he has done. And it can be an unhealthy cycle IF you get stuck there.

I think we ask "why" because we are really struggling with reconciling the person our CS is with the person we believed him/her to be? The "WHY" questions are part of the process in coming to terms with the fact that the CS is this totally different person.... the important thing is to accept that the CS is that totally different person and then the 'why' cycle will stop - JMO

For example, shortly after D-Day, I just couldn't understand the 'why'? WHY would my ex do that to me? How could he want to be with other people when he got to be with me, and why? How could he want to be with other people when doing so was a deal breaker., and why? How could he want to be that sort of husband and give us that sort of marriage, and why? How could he bring that pain to me, and why?

And then I sorta stopped wondering about those questions. I still don't get it..but I don't have to. I have accepted that he is not who I believed him to be. Rather, he lacked character. He was dishonest. He did not love me like I loved him. He was not committed to us. He did not value me. He did not value the marriage.

KitKat

[TerAlelmlor]

I have at least a dozen books on the subject, the only thing that really helped me understand was when I finally stopped believing the lies and listened to that little voice in my head.

[gennickhif]

since d-day i to have been this way. ive read 4 books on it so far and crap loads of stuff on the net. i just want to understand, but i cant. the only thing ive came to the conclusion of is, i will never understand simply because, for myself, ild have to be able to do the same thing she did to me in order to get it. its hard to understand something when you are in no way shape or form like said thing....if that makes sense.

for me one of the biggest things i have a hard time with is the amount of lies and effort she had to put into hiding this from me each and everyday. it just blows my mind. ill never get it, so im trying to look at it in other ways. with time, you as have i, will sort of start to see that it isnt worth your time and energy to think about it all the time. but do what you have to do to get through it. then sometime in the future, youll start to realize what im saying.

[craditc]

Cheatedhusband: What you said, about being unable to understand all the effort she put into it... well, that is the part that hurts me. If my ex could put so much effort into creating and maintaining a second life (for 3 - 5 years), then how come he couldnt' put half that effort into being a good husband? That's the part I probably still struggle with wanting to understand. Then all of the sudden it hits me: BECAUSE HE NEVER CARED FOR YOU LIKE YOU CARED FOR HIM AND HE WAS NOT COMMITTED TO YOU. PERIOD. DUH

KitKat

Quote:

[sportlife]

Spooky I am the same way. Can't get enough of this stuff. It's like an addiction. To best of my knowledge wife hasn't cheated but I have. Go figure

[Mypepraipse]

Quote:

[sportlife]

used to do some heavy drinking and traveled for business therefore I was absent many times and I believe my wife compensated for that loneliness by seeking comfort in other places. That was a few years ago but still bothers me to some extent.