[DebtDetox]

Asalamualakum to all.

Walaikum Asalaam sister,

And I thought my posts were long... (j/k).

I hope that Insha'Allah you can read my post below with the same attention and consideration with which I read yours.

I don’t even know what you can do for me. We, ourselves, cannot do anything for you. Only Allah can do something for you, and for all of us. He may do it THROUGH us, utilizing any one or more of us to get through to you, if He so wills, but we couldn't even move our fingers to type without His will, let alone do something to help you out.

I don’t think I want to be a Muslim any more. There I’ve said it. (Actually, I’ve never said these words out loud, because too many people would be hurt by them, but more on that later.) Sorry but not going to congratulate you on that one.

Part One

I remember being yelled at by my Quran teacher for daring to ask why only girls wore hijab and not boys (I was 11 years old then). Well, I actually personally have an issue with that kind of stuff also. I know that is the cultural response to religious questions by kids, usually, in our culture (I'm Pakistani also and I was your age just about 6 years ago). Rather than giving you an actual answer and helping you understand, your Quran teacher, and many, many other Islamic teachers/parents/brothers/sisters/etc choose to just do the "how do you even dare ask that" routine and leave the child with confusion. Then the child grows up and looks for answers themselves, as you are doing now, and I (and so many of us) have done in the past, and so many continue to do. However, at the same time I know and believe in Taqdeer and Qadr, that everything is written out for us as it's going to happen, and that everything happens for the better, and that Allah knows best what He has written for us to happen.

Yes, I probably said in the above little paragraph just about everything you're skeptical about, and everything you don't like to hear... but read it again a little more carefully, and you'll notice that I said "I know and believe in Taqdeer and Qadr". I didn't say I "think", or that we "must" believe in Allah's will and the fact that He knows best, or any other words which would imply "well he's just been brain-washed into thinking that since he was a kid", etc. I know. For a fact. Just like I know if I jump off a building I'm going to fall down and not fly up, or that if I jump into a fire I'm going to burn, or that 1+1=2, or that if I submerge myself into water without diving gear, I'm going to quickly drown and most probably die. Just like these examples are solid facts which no one can deny, I know that Allah is there, and the Quran is His word, and that Muhammad is his slave and messenger. I don't believe it, I know it. I don't know it because I was "bred" into it, my family actually is not the most religious. We're not all that messed up, but aside from the usual 'cultural' things (not eating pork, not drinking, praying Juma (even that sometimes not), being taught salat but never fully understanding the meaning of it and never seeing it being done much at home, etc), religion wasn't all that big a topic at home growing up for me. So I've went many different routes in my life, and, Alhamdulillah, Allah guided me to the right path in ways which I could never imagine. I took one step towards Him, He took 10 towards me, I went to Him walking, He came to me running... just as the hadith says. Allahu'Akbar, Alhamdulillah.

Please don't take what I've said so far to be arrogant, as that is not my intention. If I seem arrogant or rude or something similar, please forgive me.

The point of my story so far is that just like you grew up in a religious family but slowly moved away from deen, there are those of us who didn't grow up in much of a religious family (and even non-muslims who come to Islam), but had to find their way and they were brought to a certain path by Allah's grace. We are the ones who are saying "oh man I wish there was a way to actually get through to her because she's missing out on so much", but we, or at least I, can only do so much by talking, and Insha'Allah make dua to Allah swt to guide you, and all of us, and keep us steadfast in our iman.

I would also like to say at this point that what's happening with you can happen to any of us, so once again I am not being arrogant and we should all be begging Allah swt 24/7 to keep us steadfast in our iman and beliefs. It is Allah who guides whomever He wills, and no one can guide the one whom Allah wills astray. May Allah swt protect us all from evil and grant us death in a state of 100% iman. Ameen.

I remember arguing with my very superstitious Aunt about how the piece of paper with some Arabic written on it, burned, and dissolved in a glass of water won’t make her wealthy (I was maybe 8 then) Well, you were right to tell her that. That is not an Islamic practice, as far as I know, and sounds like more of an innovation/superstitious thing. I know you're just giving an example, but that kind of stuff should not be part of your 'judgement' towards Islam, as it's not aligned with Islamic teachings. I think all of us have bidahs (innovations) all around us amongst Muslim friends & family and we can only pray that Allah gives us the correct deeni knowledge to stay away from bidah as well as help others get away from bidah as well.

I remember telling my 12 year old cousin he was silly for believing a ghost lived in his room, because ghosts just don’t exist (I was 7 then). Again, I know what you're saying, but slight difference between "ghosts" which kids believe/not believe in and Jinns. Read translation of Surah Al-Jinn for more information (http://quran.com/72).

My brother, older by 4 years, insisted with glee that they all died. We asked my uncle to decide, and he confirmed that yes, indeed, people died after they became very old and either went to heaven or hell. Well, now that you're a scientist, I'm sure you believe that people die, old or not, correct? We'll leave out the heaven and hell part for now, but you don't still think that people become babies all over again after old age, I'm sure...

I don’t know what it was, but in that moment I knew, just knew that it was bull****, all of it, total bull**** – heaven, hell, angels and devils, what a bunch of fairy stories. How can grown ups believe in this ****? All this stuff no one could show to be true. "Alif, Lam, Meem. This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah - Who believe in the unseen, establish prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them." Quran 2:1-3.

I was quiet and withdrawn for a few days (depressed maybe u could say) and my family couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. But I was 4, I got over it. I went to my Pakistan expat school, did my islamiyat studies, went to quran classes, learned to do my namaaz and thought nothing more of it because I never met any non-Muslims. You've met non-muslims in the UK, right?

Obviously being in Saudi my family and I made Umrah numerous times, and Hajj once and I was exposed to nothing but Islam as a religion. Masha'Allah, lucky you!

The next bout of doubt came when I was 8 or maybe 9, just lying in bed before sleeping and all of a sudden imagining what it would be like to be dead. Once again, that same realisation came that all of this was just silly. Jinn? Ya’juj and ma’juj tunnelling under the earth? All these stupid rules that God seemed to care so much about that you could spend an eternity in hell undergoing that most sick sadistic punishments for eternity? They all just seemed like children’s fairytales, with no proof whatsoever behind them. All verses in the Quran begin with , which means "With the name of Allah, the [extremely] Beneficent, the [extremely] Merciful". Even His punishment that you speak of is a mercy. How is that so? It is a mercy for those who are afflicted and tortured (be it physically, mentally, finacially, etc) by these wrong-doers, who will then be punished by Allah swt for those same wrong-doings, and rightfully so. These wrongdoers used to (and still do) think that they can do whatever they want to people, bury their daughters alive, treat women worse than animals, make life a living hell should anyone was to say as much as "one" and "God" in the same sentence, etc, and now in this day and age we have modern versions of the same, possible even worse. Mental, physical, financial... tortures and slavery of all kind. So is there a severe punishment for these people? Of course. Do they deserve the punishment? Ask someone whose daughter they buried alive, or whose husband they shot point blank in front of them, or who they lured into a high-interest debt with their promises of "it's all good you deserve it, it's easy", ask the one whose daughter was abducted, never to be found again, only to be made part of the sick sex-slave trade that goes on today. Ask any of these types of people if the punishment which Allah speaks of in the Quran is too severe, and you might be surprised at the answer. We're not even talking about shirk & kufr at this point, only heinous crimes against humanity which have always been committed and are being committed as we speak.

So, is this hellfire (whose fuel will be men and stones), mercy at the same time, for people who were done wrong to these extreme extents, and is it just? Absolutely, you bet it is. May Allah swt protect us all from this. (I learned some of this from Nouman Ali Khan's Quranic tafseer videos, so the bro or sis who gave you the link above, take them up on their offer and watch his videos/talks, he's American and speaks good English).

Part Two

Until you’ve felt complete terror at the idea of your own complete and utter extinction I don’t think you know the meaning of the word fear. It was a compulsion, I’d lie in bed night after night imagining myself becoming nothing and knowing that everything and everyone I cared for and loved would also die, the planet would shrink and become nothing, the sun would explode and the universe would collapse. (Thanks for those Junior Science books, Mummy-ji). I’d cry out of the sheer horror of it all, the idea that nothing actually mattered. Well, I assume that is still true for you, no? You're still going to die, or become "nothing" as you put it, and so will everyone you care for and love, and the planet and the world and the universe will end (you're going off science I assume, but Quran says the same, and then some more which science can barely keep up with, but we'll leave that for another day). So what is so different now that you want to forget about Islam's "silly" laws and start "enjoying" life, such as drawing, listening to music, playing musical instruments, going to concerts, running for political office, becoming some sort of a "leader", travel, leave the house without your husband's permission, etc? It's still all going to "end" right and everything and everyone will become "nothing", "nothing actually matters", so what's the point in "enjoying" life or not? Or do you mean to say that you want to "enjoy" life "while it lasts" as there will be nothing after that? Shouldn't you still live your life as terrified as you say you used to be in the above quoted text?

But I was 8. Soon forgotten; for a while at least. I went through periods of intense doubts every couple of years. I think my worst in terms of emotion was when I was about 15 or so. I was a hijabi by then and prayed regularly, read the quran and everything, but every once in a while these doubts would creep up on me. This time it wasn’t night terrors, but instead I spent hours in sajdah in my room, weeping onto my jaan namaaz, begging a God I wasn’t even sure existed to give me back my Iman. My everything. I would highly, highly, strongly suggest that you do the same Now. You did it when you were 15, yes, and that was commendable, but you were young then, Insha'Allah it's time to do it again. Fall into sajdah and beg Allah to guide you and give you your iman back. Tell Him your entire situation, the same way you have told us in your post, and more... beg, beg, beg... you're going to have to "keep playing muslim" for now anyway as you say, might as well ask Allah for guidance and see if He doesn't do just that (guide you). In fact you're probably well off to go make wudhu right this minute and pray 2 rakat with as much sincerity as you can find within yourself (as long as it's not a forbidden time to pray nafl where you are, I'm sure you know which those times are).

I am very fortunate in my family. My parents aren’t these BS cultural desi parents, they educated us and pretty much made Islam the cultural centre point of our lives, rather than being Pakistani. So other than Islam, I have no other cultural identity. I don’t align myself with any single country or state or political ideology – in the years I believed, I was very much part of the Ummah. Masha'Allah. If every Muslim child was brought up like that, the Ummah wouldn't be having the problems it is having today.

Anyway, after that, my parents sent me overseas to study for Uni. I was Head Sister of my ISOC for my whole time there (not president though, that would be haraam). You seem to be very keen on "titles". "Leader", "Political Leader", "Head Sister but oops not Ms. President". I would think someone with your seeming intellect would be beyond that, unless I'm misunderstanding something (which I probably am).

I did try to read to remove my doubts but the more I read the more silly I thought religion was, so I just tried to stop thinking about it. Not sure what you had been reading, as the majority of worldwide population who is reading up on Islam is becoming Muslim left and right. I'm not sure what's all this "silliness" you constantly keep speaking of. The more I read about Islam the more sensible and beautiful I find it to be, and as I said in the beginning of my post, Alhamdulillah, I am not a 'blind' follower, I know that this is real. I would visit some of the links which have been posted in this thread so far and maybe you'll find some better reading material.

I stopped thinking about the position of women in Islam (which is empowered, and honoured of course, unless of course you want to be a political leader, or travel, or leave the house without your husband’s permission, or get a divorce). You also need to make a list of all the RIGHTS which Islam gives to women, which to THIS day women in non-muslim society do not have. And one major, major reason we have immodest women without clothes on every corner these days is because of abandonment of these very Islamic laws that you are against. Also, your understanding about the position of women in Islam seems to be kind of skewed. If a husband refuses to divorce his wife and she wants a divorce, she can go to an Islamic court and get a KHULA, which is basically the wife separating from/divorcing the husband. Maybe you should read up on women's rights and position in Islam some more (from reputable sources) before going completely against it. Give it a shot.

I stopped thinking of the death penalty for apostates (to punish someone for what they believe and basically forcing them to stay muslim or you kill them, how does that make sense?!), of the awful treatment of gays (why does God care so much about gays?) or slavery, or concubinage, or even divorce for us weak emotional Muslim womens. I’m the kind of person who needs good reasons for believing in something – Allaahu alem, or don’t question Allaah because He (and it is always He) knows best are not answers for me, not for serious stuff that effects my life. This is more for a scholarly person to answer, so I'll stay out of it. As far as the divorce issue, see what I said above. And yes, Allah does know best, period. Allah is referred to as "He" for all intents and purposes as far as us humans are concerned, however He is above gender, age, size, ability, looks, etc, and we cannot comprehend those things so we have been told refer to Allah as "He". Insha'Allah we will all be in Jannah in the hereafter and will get to see Allah swt personally, if He so wills. Like I said before, you seem to be very concerned with "titles". So what if it is always "He"? Would you rather it was "She"? Would that make you feel better about Islam as a religion? I'm confused.

Actually, I stopped thinking of all the things I gave up when I was young that I loved doing – I used to love art and drawing but stopped after reading all the hadith about punishments for those who drew faces. I never used to listen to music much as my parents wouldn’t let me, and the hadith on music scared me into giving it up, and learning an instrument was out of the question. Islam basically censors everything that allows you to express yourself freely as an individual, using tales of hell fire to make sure you are scared into doing it. I don’t think I can live like that any more. Life is so big and joyous with a hundred million things to experience and what is prob limited time to experience them, but religious Muslims are obsessed with narrowing their experiences as much as possible. Plus, if the belief is gone, what’s the point in obeying these weird empty rules? I’ve started drawing again, and listening to music (mostly classical, some voice). That was great that you stopped those things after reading the ahadith and stuff about it, too bad you started again I guess. It depends on one's definition of "expressing yourself freely". In today's world to most people that means I should be able to dress exactly how I want, so I'm gonna walk around with my behind hanging out, and while I'm at it I'm gonna slap a nice tattoo on it as well. In one of my hands I'm gonna hold a boom box playing my favorite tunes, while I try to draw with the other hand as I'm walking holding a paper in my mouth. What's so weird about that? I'm just expressing myself freely. If that sounds extreme to you, don't know where you are, but visit NYC one day and you'll see that and more.

My point is, expression of self is a relative thing, and it's definitely allowed in Islam, within REALISTIC boundaries, which will make sure we don't end up becoming like what I just described above. It starts with "just a little bit" but it ends up being what the world is today. Just like for an ex cigarette smoker there's no such thing as "just one", because they will sooner or later get pulled right back into the pack or two or 5 a day... I have learned from personal experience that the things which are prohibited in Islam have similar wisdom behind there, there's no such thing as "just a little bit here and there", because it will take (and has taken) society back to the days of ignorance. You're just 'drawing', listen to music, "mostly classical, some voice", what are your kids going to draw and listen to when they grow up? And then what about their kids, and their's, and so on and so forth? Do you think one of them a few generations down might end up being a rock-star living the rock-star lifestyle 24/7, knowing nothing whatsoever about YOU or what YOU stood for? Insha'Allah it will not happen with any of us, but believe me these people are out there. I am sure you see them all around you in the UK as well. The "muslim by name" kids who drink, smoke, party, sleep around, do drugs, and many other things which even may put "western" kids to shame. And the sad thing is that sometimes I think if it is even their fault, their parents didn't teach them anything... some of then even have religious parents mind-you but they neglected to teach their kids, and some of even these parents are just "muslim by name" and I guess their parents didn't teach them anything, etc.

It may seem like I'm going off on a senseless tangent, and I do have that problem if you can't tell already, but I'm trying to get you (and anyone reading) to realize that it's these "small things" here and there which lead to very, very "big" things a few generations down. Forget whether you believe in Islam for a moment or not, but just adapting some of these habits in general, where is it going to get you and more important your oncoming generations? Think about it for a minute.

May Allah swt protect us all.


Part Three

OK here goes – the last straw that broke the camel’s back. So after university I started working. I’m living here by myself, and my parents have moved to Islamabad in Pakistan (as a lot of my mom’s family lives there) and I work (scientist) and am applying for PhDs. My day starts early and finishes late and one Ramadan two years ago now I took it into my head to read the Quran on the train to and from work, not just the Arabic, but the English too (as no one in my family can speak Arabic, but we can read it). That was a good decision on your part. I (and I think just about every non-Arab, and even some Arab Muslims) can definitely relate to the "I can read Arabic but can't understand it".

Umar RA said, “We were the beginning [the heads] of this Ummah, and perhaps a man from the best of the Companions of Allah’s Messenger and the most righteous amongst them could maintain only one chapter of the Qur’an or there abouts. For the Qur’an was weighty upon them, and they were given knowledge of it or action based on it. But the last of this Ummah will find the Qur’an light [and easy] – the child and the non-Arab will recite it, without possessing any knowledge about it.”

I read on and on and on, and about 5 days in, I stopped. Reading the Quran was lowering my Iman. I couldn’t help it – all I saw was a narrow minded and vindictive God obsessed with Hell and disbelief and kufr. At one point I started opening the book at random hoping to hit upon something positive, but those points were few and far between. Where was the beauty? The spiritual high? The deep philosophy and the insight into the mind of God through his own revelations to his beloved messenger? I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make sense. Which translation were you reading? First of all, with all your 'ilm, I'm sure you are aware that the Quran itself is only in Arabic, preserved in the hearts of millions of huffaz + in written form. You should also be aware that even non-Muslims have acknowledged the literary superiority of the Arabic Quran and many have gone to say that it could not be the work of a human. So, in order to really understand the Quran, one would have to go on a quest to learn Arabic as it relates to understanding the Quran (and many do). Then and only then could one make a truly accurate judgement. Other than that, it is only the translator's INTERPRETATION of the Arabic. Open 5 different translations of the Quran to the same surah same ayat, you will see 5 different "interpretations", more or less conveying the same meaning but in different ways and with different wording (which can many times make a huge difference). Subhan'Allah the Quran is so vast and the Arabic language is so rich that the more people who interpret it into other languages, they more they find they have to say and explain. But, grab an "X" number of copies of the Arabic Quran from anywhere in the world, 10, 20, 50, 100, a million, whatever... open the same surah and same ayat, it will be the same down to the last tajweed & punctuation mark. How is that possible for 1400+ years? We humans can't even pass down a simple news story down to a friend in it's original format, and we were able to guard such a magnificent book for FOURTEEN HUNDRED YEARS without a single fail? Even with alll the enemies of Islam throughout the times? How hard is it for a rich, powerful enemy of Islam to slowly but surely inject some corruption into a religious book? It's extremely easy if they are up against humans, as they were with Torah, Zaboor, and Injeel... however, it is completely, utterly, absolutely impossible if they are up against God Himself.

Quran 15:9. Five different interpretations:

Sahih International

Indeed, it is We who sent down the Qur'an and indeed, We will be its guardian.

Muhsin Khan

Verily We: It is We Who have sent down the Dhikr (i.e. the Quran) and surely, We will guard it (from corruption).

Pickthall

Lo! We, even We, reveal the Reminder, and lo! We verily are its Guardian.

Yusuf Ali

We have, without doubt, sent down the Message; and We will assuredly guard it (from corruption).

Shakir
Surely We have revealed the Reminder and We will most surely be its guardian.

Dr. Ghali

Surely We, Ever We, have been sending down the Remembrance, and surely We are indeed Preservers of it.

Try it – open a page at random. I just have, and still mostly get doomy stuff about the evil doers and hell, and more evil doers and hell. God just doesn’t sound nice. There is so much negativity in there, and very few things that make me happy to be Muslim and overjoyed to be reading God’s words.

So yeah, I stopped reading the Quran, been almost two years now (I did the above exercise on a website). Doesn't seem to me that you gave it enough of a chance. You read it for 5 days on the train, then you opened random pages and supposedly found all verses which weren't to "your liking", and gave it up? Did you do the same throughout college, and will do in your PhD? If you're asked to read a complete book which is supposed to be rich full of information, you're going to read it for 5 days, flip random pages, and call it a day, tell everyone that you have judged this book and decided that it doesn't contain anything useful for you? Or will you actually read it cover to cover before making a judgement? Most sensible people would read a book from cover to cover before making such an immense judgement about it, so why can't we do the same for the Quran?

Also you may want to mention here which translation you were reading so Insha'Allah some of the more knowledgeable members can comment whether that's fine or if they recommend a different one. Since you Masha'Allah care so much not just for yourself but for your family & especially your parents, you owe yourself to not just read a raw translation but read a credible tafseer of the Quran cover to cover. Sure it may take some time but only then can you maybe comment on what you think this book is or isn't. Scholars read tens of different tafaseer before even beginning to comment on what it "says" in the Quran about a certain issue, and these are scholars who spend years learning Arabic to understand the Quran, and then they read literally 40 or 50 other tafaseer before they come to a conclusion about what is being said in a particular ayat.

The least we can do is read one tafseer cover to cover.


I tried to do my namaaz still though, I forced myself to do it though I really couldn’t believe there was anyone on the other end, but Islam was the centre of my life for so long I didn’t want to give up on it so easily. Slowly that tailed off and towards the end it was purely a mechanical exercise. Since that time I have been thinking a lot about Islam and how and why I want to follow it. Now is really the time I’ve spent as a genuine hypocrite – me, known for being blunt, never lying and always being honest, having to live like a hypocrite, and it kills me. You probably won't consider this, but I would hope you will, to continue making salat. Even if it is just a mechanical exercise to you, just continue to do to the best of your ability and make abundant dua to Allah to guide you. Sure you may not believe there's "anyone at the other end" as you put it, but it seems like you have much to lose and nothing to gain by giving up Islam so why not give it a shot? What if Allah hears your sincere dua's and guides you completely? Insha'Allah.

And you know, I don’t know what I would do even if I did leave Islam. I could never take my hijaab off, it’s part of me. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend or sleep with someone before marriage because marriage is just drilled into me. I’ve never done drugs, or smoked or been clubbing or drank alcohol or eaten pork and I don’t think I would do any of those things even if I decided to finally come clean about Islam. I don’t even think I could eat non-Halaal meat. So it’s not about chasing a hedonistic lifestyle. I just don’t like Islam all that much, many of the laws make sense, but a lot are just silly. Also, the ideas of God, prophets, angels and whatever really sound silly too. Maybe its because I was pushed into science field that I feel this way.T he only things that would change about me is maybe I’d travel alone a bit more (before I was always escorted by my father) or maybe go to some musical concerts. I’ve just changed a lot on the inside, and I don’t know what to do about it. You're basically listing everything you agree with on Islam... hijab, no boyfriends or sleeping around before marriage, no drugs, no smoking, no clubbing, alcohol, pork, looks like you're on the right track. Good job.

What you have listed is the SEEN which makes sense to you. The requirement is for us as Muslims to believe in the seen AND the UNSEEN, as I quoted Suran Baqarah's second ayat somewhere up in this post. If one doesn't believe in the UNSEEN, heaven, hell, angels, jinn, Prophets (not as much "unseen" as history tells us they were there, but for us they are 'unseen' sure).

When I did my "self discovering" and all that good stuff before Alhamdulillah being guided by Allah swt, I arrived at the conclusion that there is more than enough logical, factual, scientific, real substance in Islam for us to believe that it is real. That leaves that which we may not understand either partially or completely, then that goes under faith and having belief in Allah. If everything was all "seen", then that would be too easy and the whole world would be Muslim. There would no 'test' and no way for us to Insha'Allah attain a higher level in Jannah.

Maybe you need to think of things from this perspective as I mentioned above. You yourself are saying there are many things in Islam which you like and which make sense, but then some you find to be "silly" (astaghfirullah). You need to try to look at things from the point of view which I said above... there's enough which makes sense to you for you to faithfully believe what does not make sense to you.

I thought I could do this but my apologies there is just too much to reply to and I'm actually getting ready to travel soon. So I will try my best to reply to the rest once I get where I'm going within 24 hours or so.

and may Allah keep us all steadfast and on the right path. Ameen.