[pipitous]

Who needs to actually watch the games or keep up with what teams are doing to rank teams in the NFL? Not this guy.

32. Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck may turn out to be the best quarterback of all-time but it's going to take him time to adjust to the NFL. Expect another bad season from this team before they really turn things around.

31. Jacksonville Jaguars: The AFC South is well-represented at the bottom of the power rankings. Blaine Gabbert may turn out to be the worst quarterback of all-time but it's going to take time for people to realize just how much he sucks.

30. Miami Dolphins: How are you going to cut Chad Johnson? Child, please.

29. St. Louis Rams: I really want to see Sam Bradford succeed but I just don't see this offense being very good. The talent is there on defense, though. So maybe they take a big step forward if the offense can get it together.

28. Washington Redskins: A 3rd place finish in the division is probably the best this team can hope for.

27. Oakland Raiders: Just win, baby. In 2013.

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Would be ranked higher if they'd go back to those cool creamsicle uniforms.

25. Tennessee Titans: If not for Kenny Britt, this team might be ranked lower.

24. Dallas Cowboys: This team will either be really awesome or really awful. I vote for awful.

23. Seattle Seahawks: Seahawks aren't even a real type of bird. Fuck them.

22. San Diego Chargers: Norv Turner strikes again.

21. Cleveland Browns: Some may be saying that this team is ranked way too high and I say go make your own power rankings, asshole. I like almost nothing about this team but I expect Trent Richardson and their defense to carry the Browns to some victories.

20. Carolina Panthers: Will Cam Newton suffer a sophomore slump or will he transfer to another team that's willing to offer his dad a bunch of money? Only time will tell.

19. Arizona Cardinals: Kevin Kolb finally gets it together . . . but he's benched for always looking pissed off and the team struggles with Skelton at the helm.

18. Minnesota Vikings: Who needs Adrian Peterson? He sucked all those years for the Bears so what's it matter if he's healthy or not to start the season. I believe in Christian Ponder.

17. Atlanta Falcons: Michael Turner is bound to wear down at some point, right? But then again, Matt Ryan is bound to figure shit out at some point, right?

16. Pittsburgh Steelers: Overrated. But not by me.

15. Cincinnati Bengals: A.J. Green and Andy Dalton. Does it get any better than that? Yep, check out the next 14 teams.

14. Chicago Bears: Meh.

13. Buffalo Bills: If Fred Jackson is healthy, this team will be unstoppable. Well, not unstoppable like the Juggernaut but like half as unstoppable as that.

12. Denver Broncos: Everyone expects Peyton Manning to make this team an automatic Superbowl contender . . . and that's exactly what he does.

11. San Francisco 49ers: I miss Mike Singletary pissing off all of his players. Now we have to deal with this Harbaugh douche bag pissing off all the opposing coaches.

10. Philadelphia Eagles: Juan Castillo is the defensive coordinator.

9. New York Giants: I wouldn't be surprised to see this team miss the playoffs entirely . . . and then win the Superbowl again in a few years.

8. Kansas City Chiefs: Putting a lot of faith in Romeo Crennel here.

7. Houston Texans: If healthy, it would be no surprise to see this team in the Superbowl. But when's the last time Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were both healthy for an entire season? College?

6. New York Jets: Never bet against Doug Flutie and never count out Tim Tebow. What does Doug Flutie have to do with the Jets? Nothing. So what?

5. New Orleans Saints: Coaches are overrated. Ok, not really, but they are when you have Andrew Brees starting at quarterback

4. Green Bay Packers: It's highly unlikely that they get their ass stomped in by some team like the Giants in the playoffs this year . . . but the defense definitely needs to improve.

3. Detroit Lions: Who can stop Ndamukong? or Megatron? or Aaron Berry from being an ass clown?

2. Baltimore Ravens: Maybe if the Patriots don't cheat, the Ravens will have a shot at making the Superbowl. If not, at least John Harbaugh can follow in Andy Reid's footsteps and lose a few consecutive conference championships.

1. New England Patriots: May be the most improved team from last year and that's terrifying considering they were still playing in February.