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As you might know, I've been walking on a razor's edge for the past year or so, dealing with two separate major [high-risk/low-survivability] cancers--kidney and esophageal. I've been through chemo, radiation, several meat-axe/Jack-The-Ripper surgeries, and have been subjected to intense diagnostic testing every 90 days, hoping to catch any recurrance early.

My next series of tests is coming up next week. I can't adequately explain how I feel as the PET-scan/x-ray/ultrasound date gets nearer... and the intense angst that I feel between the testing session and the meeting with the doctors, when they give me the results.

Most of my friends and acquaintances are aware of this personal stress of mine, and I get an awful lot of comments along the lines of "We're praying for you." and "I've put your name into our church's Prayer Circle." and similar expressions. Understand that I firmly believe that all of them are well-intended and meant to help me... and for that, I'm hugely appreciative.

I believe that there is a Supreme Power that started this entire mess... This Power may not be the God that is defined by any of today's organized religions. Perhaps "intellegent design" is fairly close to what I'm thinking of. I just can't go along with the bunch that believes in the Big Bang that happened a zillion years ago and everything from then to now was a series of accidental/fortituous/calamitous occurrances.

But--

I guess I also just can't internalize and accept the concept of a God who would give "preference" to somebody who has lots of believer-friends praying for them... and some poor friendless wretch in the same condition who has nobody but himself praying for him.

Are favors from God given away American Idol style?

Or is what happens to an individual all "Karma" or simply the roll of the cosmic dice-- totally random?

This might be too deep/sensitive/far-out for this forum, but it seems that we have at least a minimal representative sample of most general belief systems here. [Note the operative word "belief"... no "proof" needed, required, or possible. If you truly believe something, then that's it. No true arguement is necessary or even possible.]

...and, since I'm having a hard time sorting this out, I'd be interested in what you think.