[maxfieldj1]

Hello,


My name is Troy and I'm new here. I really don't know how to say this. Recently the love of my life revealed to me that she had an affair. She is my fiance. But,....I'm not so sure she will REMAIN my fiance. I guess it took some courage on her part to willingly tell me that. But at the same time she really crushed me with this. She said she doesn't expect me to forgive her. Yet she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to stay with me and that she wants to be my wife. I keep asking her what I did to her or what I did wrong to make her betray me. She keeps telling me "love, you didn't do anything. I was just stupid".

I'm actually away from home right now. I told her I needed to be alone and think. Before I left she tried to kiss me. I didnt even let her kiss me on the lips. I turned my face to the side and she caught my cheek instead. I didn't even do that purposely. It was like it was instinctive. Then I just walked out.

I'm not asking advice about whether or not I should take her back. Because I'm sorry to say even though I'm still so in love with her, I don't think I'm going to take her back. My questions is would a woman want to stay together if she cheated? I feel that since she stepped out on me I must be unsatisfactory to her in some way. But all she keeps telling me is "you didn't do anything wrong, you were perfect. I was just weak"


I'm sorry if I'm disturbing anyone here. I just need to understand why she'd want to stay with me after that? why not just leave me if she has the need to cheat?

Maybe I'm just looking for a person to reach out to. Sorry, I'm just a bit out of it right now

[arcaniagainee]

Hi troy welcome to the forum. You found the right place to come as all of us have gone through cheaters. This place is a good way to vent out your emotions and get feedback on some of the things you are thinking.

I think in your mind you may have already decided what your next course of action is in regards to her Some of us took our cheating spouses back only to have them cheat on us again as I dont think even the cheaters truly know why they cheat they just seem to not be able to help themselves. Some have found out that their spouses had cheated on them before they got married and have children now and are kind of stuck between a rock and a hardplace. So just be grateful you found out before you married her that she is a cheater.

Did she tell you the full story of who this other man is and how the cheating occurs? Also troy her cheating wasnt your fault so dont beat yourself saying you were unsatisfactory all the blame falls in her court she made the choice to cheat not because of you but because of her herself. Many spouses are great husbands and wives and still find themselves stuck with a cheating spouse so dont sit and think it was because of you she cheated. Cheaters will try and blame the spouse for their cheating but that is just a copout for their own behavior as they dont want to be the one at fault.

I think you are doing the right thing by stepping away from her to think and if you cant live with a cheater then you dont have to as what if you stay with her and she has another stupid moment but this time you are married to her.

Keep posting troy and we will all help you as much as we can.

[weluvjessicaalba]

Ask yourself if you will ever be able to trust her again.
What if after you two are married she gets “stupid” again?

[maxfieldj1]

Thanks for your advice blackwolf,

But the thing is she did tell me about it. And I think the fact that she told me so much in detail hurt even more than a quick response would have. She cheated on me with a guy who went to school with us. Let's just say this was a person that I didn't get along with. And he would always say to me stuff like "if that was my girl, id **** like you wouldn't believe" and other lewd comments. Needless to say, this led to physical confrontations numerous times between he and I. So the fact that she had an affair is only compounded worse by the fact that it was with HIM.

But I hear what you're saying blackwolf about me not being at fault. However, I do believe SOMETHING I did or didn't do or have added to this. But when all she tells me is "You were perfect and it was all my fault" then it's hard to figure what one did wrong.

Yeah, I think I may have did the best thing by staying away from her. The heartwrenching part is that even this morning, (about two hours ago) she called this morning for no reason. She said she just wanted to talk and that she missed me and wanted to make sure I was ok. We spoke for a few minutes (I never had such a tense conversation with her before). She even asked me if it was ok to call me tonight. She literally ASKED to talk to me. It bothered me enough that my own fiance had to ASK. What got to me even more was out of instict I asked her WHY she wanted to call. What kind of man QUESTIONS why his woman should call?

I feel like I'm slowly becoming a cold nasty person. My answers to her were all so short and blunt.

I'm too embarrassed to even tell my family and friends about this

AvoidOC,

Ive been asking myself those questions and losing sleep over them. And if I do take her back and this happened again, I would have nobody to blame but myself

[arcaniagainee]

Troy I went through my exes cheating numerous times and it is a very traumatic time and you are going to feel a lot of different emotions I always have called it the rollercoaster ride as that is how it felt to me. All the up and down feelings and sometimes you will cry for no reason, I donot know if men cry as much as women do but crying is a good way to release some stress.

I can understand your answers to her on the phone as she just a bomb shell on you and especially with it being with someone you hate which will make it even worse as this man may be sitting back laughing that he used her to get to you. No matter though how much he lured her or persued her the bad part is- she gave in and slept with him (although I dont think they were sleeping) The worst part if you do take her back you will never get the little thoughts out of your head, like if she went to give you oral do you know the what the thought will be that pops into your head?? Did she do this to him and you will get a visual image of her and him together, not a nice image and not good for a males arousal state. It may get to the point you will need viagra just to have sex with your own fiance.

Troy the rollercoaster ride isnt fun and the emotional ups and downs will drag you down and you may end up hating her more if you do stay with her. If you do not want to lose her maybe go and meet for coffee in a public place as it may keep the tempers down. Maybe try that for a bit and see where it goes but there is something definately wrong with her so easily scew1ng someone else that I have a hard time overlooking but I am not you and the choice is yours ans to how you want to settle it.

Remember this the person you love is supposed to also be your backer as when I was married to my ex I always stood by him even when I thought or knew he was wrong about something I just told him after how I really thought but infront of others I would always stand up for him and for her to be with someone you hate is really low and disrespectful to me.

Troy I wish you luck in your decision but take your time and keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[grudabor]

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[Verger99]

Troy, I feel your pain.. My wife cheated on me with a guy that she knew I didn't like.. She knew I couldn't stand the guy and yet she went off and cheated on me with him.. I felt like she was just doing it too just get me mad.. Well she did but, I never lost my temper with her plus I don't hit women!!

Well I decided to stay (Not saying that's what you should do, everyone is different) But, it took me almost a year just too forgive her but, I have.. It is a tough thing to deal with.. I know what your going threw!!

[bestworkother]

TROY!..ATTENTION!! Take it from a man who wishes he had the knowledge of cheating BEFORE he married the cheater.

DO NOT TAKE HER BACK!!! Dump her toot sweet or you WILL regret it.

Trust me on this one. My wife cheated on me when we were engaged, but didn't have the tits to tell me about it.

Now I find out from an ex-friend of hers years later, and now we have kids, and I resent the hell out of her for it.

So trust me...move on while you still can. I cannot stress this enough.

[bestworkother]

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[Wdlglivi]

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[Verger99]

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[maxfieldj1]

I'm back and I want to say thank you all for your opinions and advice. Even though all your opinions seem to be simliar yet at the same time vary, they were very enlightening. So thanks for that

Well...what can I say. Ever since I left the house, she seems to be so eager to keep in touch. Every morning and every night she'd call me.

But....last night I had finally made my choice. I told her I couldn't marry her. I felt bad because she sound so happy to talk to me when she first got on the phone. And the moment I said that, she got quiet. I told her anything we bought together she could keep. Then she says "I don't want that and to please come home". I wasn't mean about it when I said it. And I broke the news to her as easily as I could. She said she made a mistake. I told her CLEARLY that infidelity is NOT A MISTAKE. She knew she had someone (me) and that didn't stop her. I told her that if we stayed together I would never trust her again.

The most sacred bond a man and woman can have is their love and intimacy. It's not to be abused or misused. Once it is, it can never be truly repaired. Thats just my opinion

I told her that and she said she still wants to be with me. I told her I couldn't be with a woman I can't give my full heart's trust to and I refuse to buy surveillance equipment or spy on my wife. If I feel the need to do that then we don't have a relationship. That's the bottom line.

I felt bad because before I hung up the phone she told me she would always love me and that I'm her one. I felt even worse because I didn't even give her a response.

So now, I'm going to go get my cloths and other necessites from my now 'old' residence while she's at work because I know if I go with her there I'll lose my nerve and stay.

This does suck and it does hurt. But I don't want to go through life hating her. Even though she did something bad to me, I never wish ill upon her. It's either stay with her and end up despising her and hated or. Or breaking up and trying to mend a friendship.

With that said, I chose the break up and friends route. With any luck, she'll see this is for the better one day.

Anyway, thank you all

[viagra_generic]

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[NaMbessemab]

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[Wdlglivi]

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[maxfieldj1]

First of all, again I would like to say thank you for hearing me out. It's been a little while since I've updated you all on my situation. That I told you all about with the former love of my life.



Well, I won't say things are going great. But hey, they're going and I'm still alive right? I have to say being single at this point and time has been good for me. Not to sound selfish, but I had forgotten how it felt to do things for one person as oppossed to two.

But anyways, Sunday morning (yesterday), my ex called me. Honestly, I was happy to hear from her. She didnt sound so down in the dumps. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy to hear from her from a relationship point of view. To me, her voice gave the impression that she was beginning to cope with her mistake and move on. And I'll always be her friend so that was good. She asked to meet me this morning for breakfast (seems she still remembers when I do and don't work). I really didn't want to, but I couldn't think up an excuse in time, so I agreed.


So this morning we met up at a cafe near where she lives(aka my FORMER home). At first, it was all random basic "hello, how are you?" kinda stuff. But then, after some random jokes and etc, she got quiet. She asked me to come home. All I said was that it was her home now, not mine. She had got of from her side of the table and sat beside me at that point. She tells me she was sorry and all that she wants is the man she loves back in her life and that she wants to have my trust again. I had told her that you can't simply give trust after something like that and that I would ALWAYS second guess EVERYTHING she does. The bottomline is once infidelity happens, no matter how hard one tries, you won't ever NOT have second thoughts or distrust. It will ALWAYS be there.


She then goes on and tells me she still loves me. Now at this point I made up a story, telling her that I have someone I like now(a lie to get her to stop). I regret saying that because that look on her face wasn't a happy one ill say that much. But she just wouldn't stop. But anyway, she asked me to stand up. I did so, as did she. She just hugged me. And yeah I did hug her back. But it was her way of figuring me out. She goes "If you really had someone you wouldn't have hugged me back". And honestly, she's right in that regard. I'm very adament about not touching ANY woman in that way if I'm taken or if it's not family. She then leaves and goes "Until you REALLY find someone, you'll just have to forgive me for saying I love you." And she said that if I ever do find someone, to please let her know because it might be the only way for her to let go.



I don't know, today has really got me thinking. This woman does truly love me. I mean come on, I gave her the house, the car, the $$$, and she still wants me in her life. I never considered her a golddigger in the first place, but I'm really in a loop here. And I won't even lie to myself and say I don't still love her. It's just that I know myself. And I KNOW I won't trust her anymore. I can't be that person that gets nervous everytime the spouse leaves the house. Or when she comes back later than normal. Or when she says she's delayed somehow. I can't live my life like that.

I don't even give her my new address. I'm afraid she'll come. And what really adds to the pressure is that her parents (especially her father) keep asking me to give the relationship another shot. I know they're only looking out for their daughter. But the thing is, if it was I who did the cheating on her and the role was reversed, would they be so willing to push for a second attempt at the relationship? I doubt it.

Any feedback is appreciated.
And again, thank you all for reading my very jumbled thoughts.

[bestworkother]

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[bestworkother]

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[Kinds Of Pain Meds]

Troy,

My wife of 14 years (now 17 years) cheated on me. I found out about it a year after she cheated - had a big arguement, and tried to forgive her and go back to normal (for her and the kids.)

Now, it's 2 years later - and I'm madder than ever, seriously divorce bound. (Have appointment with Lawyer next week, already talked to marriage therapist: he concluded: your marriage is "mal-adjusted".) I'll probably move out tomorrow.

What I have to say is: once your spouse betrays your trust - even if they are on the straight-and-narrow and doing what they should again - you don't trust them.

I think my wife is being good, but you know, I'm so mad, I just don't care. If she cared, why did she cheat? She claims: mistake, pain meds, depression, she loves me, let's just talk to a councilor; just about everything but the bottom line: lack of integrity.

So, ask yourself: do you want to be married/involved with a person who has no honor or integrity? It's not going to work.

Be glad there are no children involved. That's the worst part (aside from having to give my non-working cheating wife about $450,000 (about 4.5 years of my pre-tax earnings) and being enslaved to her via spousal support for the next 9 years or so.)

Hawk

[Mjyzpzph]

Troy you did the right thing, and with class. In a few years you can probly look back at this relationship and have some good memeries. If you would have married this gal i don't if that would be the case. i was married 21 years to a cheater and its a sad thing that you cant remember hardly any good times at all. PS the cheating does'nt have anything to do with you. its a character flaw the need for attention , she would do it again. Good luck DK.