[Markdogas]

The following are excerpts from a discussion Tilly and I had after ironyrulz decided to bag on cheaters, but then told us that she'd be up for a 3some involving another man other than her husband. So my questions will be after the dialog below.

And this is in NO WAY bashing tilly. I love her to pieces, we just had a disagreement here.

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[bashansasasasa]

Well -- this is a risky thread, for sure!

In my view, it is niave to think that we will not be sexually attracted to people other than our significant others. While married, I was VERY sexually attracted to another person - and this was someone from my past. THIS signalled "DANGER" to me so I made sure that I did not have contact with him (after discovering he was working at the university - not as a professor - where I was enrolled as a student).

So. Yep. We can TOTALLY be sexually attracted to people other than our spouse and I sort think that means we want to 'get down' with that person. I mean, isn't that what sexual attraction is all about --WANTING that other person sexually?

So I would have no problem being with someone who wanted to be with another person - i think it's natural to be sexually attracted to others. The important thing is to NOT act on it and to be respectful of our MONOGAMOUS committment to our partner.

Now. Even though I was sexually attracted to this other person, I did not want to be with him at the cost of my marriage. It would have hurt me to hurt my marriage.

if my husband gave me the go-ahead, I still would not have done it because it would have ruined something special to me, being the monogamous bond i had with my ex. That said, I wanted that other man. mmmmmm. I would just not act on it.

KitKat

[kuklame]

I agree with MuffinMan.

To me, there is a fine line between finding someone physically attractive and wanting to to be sexual with them.

It would bother me if I knew my SO wanted to sleep with another woman even if he swore he would never act on it.

When I was with my ex, I hardly gave the opposite sex the time of day (unless of course they were friends of mine). It's just the type of person I am. Now, I don't expect my SO to do the same, but I would like to expect that the only person they want to sleep with is me.

Finding another woman physically attractive is fine. Wanting to sleep with her is a whole other can of worms that I am not okay with. It is a deal breaker- it's a sign of disrespect of the bond we share and I don't think I could trust someone who wanted to sleep with another woman.

I've been burned too many times by my ex to be okay with that.

[Vznvtthq]

The short answer is I would find that absolutely unacceptable. I'm not religious by any means, but I believe in "adultery of the heart", and I think wanting to do someone else but simply abstaining is simply a degree north of an actual physical affair. Obviously some people are simply not meant to be monogamous... some are. I would only want to be with someone who is... like me.

[Vznvtthq]

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[bashansasasasa]

One of the posters said an attractive man made her do a triple take. I think that triple take was motivated by libido, not a theortical inquiry on attractiveness. So what's the big deal about admitting that we find lots of people sexually attractive? We do. Big deal.

Just don't act on it. And, yes, clearly fantasizing endlessly about fecking the person could be viewed as a violation of wedding vows (particularly for the religious).

KitKat

[Vznvtthq]

Dude... that's not only projecting your own feelings, but pretty condescending too. First of all my libido sucks, I'm on the pill and it has totally wrecked it. Second of all, it is possible to think someone is attractive and not feel a tingle in my crotch, ask any straight man or woman who finds another same sex individual as being attractive. So no, I'm not going to "admit" that I find other people sexually attractive, "big deal", because I don't. Forgive me for being blunt but honestly it sounds like you want to believe I do so you can feel better about it. It drives me bananas when people say stuff like that, it's like they don't feel secure in their stance so they want lots of company. I've stated my beliefs, leave me out of it.

[Markdogas]

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[Sakkola]

I kind of go both ways.

Yes, we are going to find others attractive...man or woman. My line in wanting that person is: accessibility.

Example: I seriously love watching the tv show Justified because of Timothy Olymphant. Yes, I want him. Will that time ever come. No never. I can have a fantasy about him because, well, I'll never even be in the same room with him.

Now, if it's say my mailman or a coworker, there should be no wanting, no fantasies. I might be attracted, but to allow a "real life" person into your head for a sexual fantasy is a slippery slope. Basically I think there are some "safe" fantasies where my odds of winning the lottery are better.

I realize it's contradictry, but think about it. My husband giving me permission to get down with Timothy O. is not the same has permission for doing the mailman.

And, no, if she wants a 3some, the man should run! She just wants her cake and eat it too. Unless he's into that, in which case let them stay together so they don't work their ways into good relationships.

[cauddyVab]

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[bashansasasasa]

Hey. I"m not a dude!

It wasn't my intention to be condescending and I dislike that my post made you feel that I condescended to you. That was not my intention (sincerely). I've been a member on this forum for a long time and my intent is to engage with respect. always. I regret you felt disrespected.

I made a wrong assumption. period. I hear you loud and clear: You found him attractive, but did not find him sexually appealing. I"m okay being all out here by myself admitting that if I did a triple take (and don't think I ever have), there would be some libido involved (at most) or an awareness (at least).

You also made an incorrect assumption: being that I transferred my feelings on you so that I feel more secure about my position. That is incorrect. I am fine with my position. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my position! I have character along with my libido! My sexual desires do not, and would never, outweigh my need to be loved and return love. I would not ever act on a sexual desire to be with another person when I am in a committed relationship as I don't have the capacity to be cruel to another person in that manner. Nor would I want to. It would make my physically ill if I cheated on someone. Nor would I engage in an endless loop of fantasy about another person.

I don't think that sexual attraction is the evil, anyway. It's poor impulse control and lack of character that are the real evils.

Now. Muffin brings up a good point...if my spouse asked me, "can I do that person" I would be terribly hurt becasue that signals that he would want to act outside of our committment. That is not okay in my book. However, if he told me he found another person desirable, I wouldn't be upset ... unless his behaviours became innapropriate (recall. I found another man very sexually attractive so limited my contact with him. I would expect the same from a partner). In fact, should a future spouse of mine feel sexual attraction ato another and remain faithful (by not cheating physically or engaging in that inappropriate fantasy loop), I will be very very pleased!!


KitKat

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[Markdogas]

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[Elelaytet]

Well Muffin....I don't know if its an age thing or what but....I admire all the time. I also have the testosterone and sex drive of a brahma bull on viagra. I can look at some good looking woman and think "Yes....I'd hit it."

But I wouldn't cheat. I didn't cheat on either of my ex wives. I don't even get near the line....much less cross it. Doesn't mean I don't/can't find the female form attractive. Just means I know who I'm going home to for some loving. :

[mtvlover571]

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[Markdogas]

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[Markdogas]

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[mtvlover571]

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[Markdogas]

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