[Vikonbarius]

As we look back over our relationships and such......does anyone see a correlation between their home life as a child and their marriage as an adult.

Its believed that what we see and learn as children is what we mimic as adults. Ever say "that won't happen to me".....only to find out you're reliving your parents lives?

Discuss.

[lovespellszz]

my dad continuiously cheated on my mom they have been married for 36 years or more....my dad is 61 and cheated as recently as 6 years ago...until an accident injured him and he cannot perform....I was brainwashed by my parents to believe that just because someone cheats it doesn't mean they don't really love you. My dad constantly defended each guy who cheated, and told me his own daughter that they probably really do love me but men have impulses they can't control or some dumb sh**.

Anyway it seems as though I am attracting cheaters, and I tolerated it for some long because I actually bought into this BS.

So in my life the answer is yes, I am working real hard to change this, my way of thinking has changed and with that my whole life has changed. I was doomed from the start with the mindf**ck my parents put me through.

I will keep pushing for a better me and a better future. Interesting question.

[Vikonbarius]

Thanks for responding.

[thomaskkk]

I am a recovering abuser. I continue with my counseling and new ways to cope with my anger and frustration. I saw abuse growing up. Yelling, screaming and up in your face is the way all problems were handled in my family. Don't get me wrong...we were loved and knew it. They were fiercely protective of us, but not so much where they were concerned.

My parents married when they were 17 and 21. I got married when I was 20 and he was 22 (waaaayyyy tooo young). I didn't know how to express myself without yelling, cussing, throwing things or the silent treatment. It took a toll on all of us. I regret everyday my inability to recognize and get help. I also looked for some who I believed loved me by action. The former deacon used to buy all my clothes(including undies), nail polish, jewelry and even make up. He decided how I would look, smell and wear my hair. I mistakenly thought this was love. I now know this was control.

The more I broke away to find out who I really was, the worse I was treated. Thank God my parents figured out before it was too late(my dad died at 59). There last years together were really good. They were happy. I am glad it didn't take me that long to get a clue.

I pray my kids see my changes and they have time to learn something new before they get into serious relationships.

[tevyrefficy]

Yes I believe in strong correlations in learnt behaviour from parents to children, to the behavior of those children in adult life. To a lesser extent, we still learn behaviour from others when we are adults.

In the case of my CW, the example of cheating was set by 2 best friends(both cheating with married men). I have no doubt she wouldn't have done it if it weren't for their behaviour.They would sit around on weekends, drink coffee in cafes & discuss their cheating lives like it was "desperate housewives" or something.

Monster, this brings up the nature vs nuture debate, which is a great topic. At the end of the day though, people make decisions based on both nature(ie your instincts developed at conception inherited genetically) and nuture(those learnt from your environment, particularly parents) but we all ultimately make a decision ourselves, based on our values

[abubycera]

I came from a very loving home with lots of extended family who loved each other. Lifelong marriages all around me. I don't think anyone was faking it because everyone always seemed happy.
What I kind of do regret is how sheltered I was. I find that may be the reason I was so gullible regarding my husband. I was just happily living life never dreaming he would do what he has done. He really made me feel like I was loved.
Now my husband is a product of his environment for sure. From the outside they looked like the Leave it to Beaver family. After much research and discussion with my bro and sis in law, I found that there was rampant cheating and physical abuse by my FIL. (the reason I believe that my husband rarely disciplined the children) He would say I don't want to break their spirit.
I remember once years ago at my inlaws, my FIL was talking about some politician who had been caught cheating and he said this country is crazy making a big deal out of that. Everyone knows you marry and have children with the person you love and all that other crap is just pastime..means nothing.
I laughed cuz I thought he was joking. He is a big joker but...I remember no one else laughed, just kind of ignored him. Big warning sign I missed.

[Dwnijzhd]

In my case I came from a home where my dad worked all the time, (still does), he owned his own farm implement/sales and repair shop. He also has a 120 acre farm. He was always busy leaving the house at 6:30 am or earlier and not home til dark really late. Sundays he just wanted to sit in front of the tv and smoke. He is not a man of many, (if any), words.

My mother on the other hand was also bending to his will, he allotted her 100 $ a week to get groceries and stuff and other than that she had no idea and still doesn't about their finances. They never spoke to each other from what I saw and it was mostly her speaking "at" him.

As far as I know neither of them has ever cheated and I don't think they have or will. I do know my mom battled severe depression all my childhood being isolated on a farm and no interaction with others. I feel most of this was her choice though since she could of had outside work or maintained some friendships but she didn't.

Now in my marriage I tended to be like my mom and let my wife lead the way. I did handle the finances, but if someone asked us to do something I was always like lets see what wifey wants to do. I am very passive and I think this was from being around my mom a lot and not really seeing my dad around a lot. Even though he lived in the same house!

I know my wifes upbringing had even more to do with her marriage behavior, read the post I had about histrionic personality disorder and u will c
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrio...ality_disorder, there is the wikipedia link to read about it. I bet a lot of the guys on here will c their wives in that link.

[bashansasasasa]

My parents did divorce, but there was no infidelity. They were very unhappy and not well suited to each other (completely different values and almost a marriage of convenience).

I have reflected on whether I did, in fact, marry my father. And in a way I did. My dad is a very kind and compassionate man (so in that way, he is different than my ex husband). BUt my dad is good at living in denial. He also closes himself off emotionally to avoid pain.

When it come to denial and closing down, there is a definite similarity btw my dad and my ex. HOwever, I"m not sure if this is related to my ex's cheating in any way. Lots of people who shut down, aren't morally bankrupt and don't cheat.

KitKat

[Vikonbarius]

Thoughtful responses. Thanks guys and gals.