[carfAball]

Feel free to add your own:
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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if ther is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of peple in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least the can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased....

20) If electricity comes from electrons , does morality comes from morons?
21) Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people... ...and kill them. ~Unknown
22) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband
23) Today in class, we were playing with voice recognition on a power book. Someone told it "Computer, destroy the world as we know it". Right after that was said... someone else's laptop finishes booting up and plays the windows sound...

[Baromaro]

War is a dangerous place- George Bush

[LasTins]

"I'll die before I register as a republican."
- My friend
"I'm schizophrenic and so am I"
- Another friend

[bp9QxekG]

hey lexus fan..tell your friend that schizofrenia is not the same thing as multiple personality disorder...here is the literal definition of schizophrenia
Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is often associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and defects of the frontal lobe and may have an underlying genetic cause.

and another
The term "schizophrenia" translates roughly as "shattered mind," and comes from the Greek σχίζω (schizo, "to split" or "to divide") and φρήν (phrēn, "mind"). Despite its etymology, schizophrenia is not synonymous with dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder or "split personality"; in popular culture the two are often confused. Although schizophrenia often leads to social or occupational dysfunction, there is little association of the illness with a predisposition toward aggressive behavior

[Coededgeme]

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made many people very angry and has been widely considered a bad move."
-Douglas Adams

[LasTins]

Quote, originally posted by the kid 89 »hey lexus fan..tell your friend that schizofrenia is not the same thing as multiple personality disorder...here is the literal definition of schizophrenia
Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is often associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and defects of the frontal lobe and may have an underlying genetic cause.

and another
The term "schizophrenia" translates roughly as "shattered mind," and comes from the Greek σχίζω (schizo, "to split" or "to divide") and φρήν (phrēn, "mind"). Despite its etymology, schizophrenia is not synonymous with dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder or "split personality"; in popular culture the two are often confused. Although schizophrenia often leads to social or occupational dysfunction, there is little association of the illness with a predisposition toward aggressive behavior
it's a joke...relax
take it for what it's worth...you don't have to look up the definition and everything...chill

[KLIMOV25gyi]

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." -Bob Hope
"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." -Gallagher
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." -Jack Benny
"Coffee isn't my cup of tea." -Samuel Goldwyn
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?" -Jean Kerr
"More and more of our imports are coming from overseas" -George W. Bush
Quote, originally posted by Santeno »
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp." --Bob Ettinger
That one was awesome

[Erexecike]

Only in American banks are the pens are tied to the desk but the door is left unlocked
-unknown

[avaiftBoara]

"I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself...." - Groundskeeper

[iceleliewBync]

Quote, originally posted by AXLE »"I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself...." - Groundskeeper

[LasTins]

Quote, originally posted by AXLE »"I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself...." - Groundskeeper
HAHA...THAT'S HILARIOUS
who's groundskeeper?

[avaiftBoara]

Groundskeeper Willy? I dunno, somebody who cuts grass regularly I guess...

[LasTins]

oh haha
my bad