[AngelinaTheElf]

I just need some outside opinions, its in white for the people that can give me a genuine reply . Thanks.

Ps: It is a LONG post.

I'll do my best to tell it as un biased as i can.
At the time I had been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, she had broken it off with me about
a year before, she said it was because we wanted
"different things" in life (she wanted kids there and then and I didn't plus other things) but we got back together after a week. I should add that a similar
thing happened after about 9 or so months but it was for only an hour or two.
For a while I had been getting bad feelings about one of her male friends (They spent a fair amount of time together with and without other people around but I trusted her
and thought that it was just me being jelous. I know that she did love me very strongly ,
one of her friends told me that she used to wright a countdown on her hand when I went
away for how many days I would be back, which is where I start to get confused.

I finally start to change my mind about having a kid and tell her so, she is very happy (looked like this )
at the time i had planned on saving up for a ring and asking her to marry me in about a months time.
One night she says that she is going out to dinner (to a place that I like) with just her male friend . I thought thats a bit odd as she didn't ask me if I wanted to go so I said that I'd like to go, she said that I was tired from work and should stay at home but by this time I had had enough of them spending alone time together so I came along anyway.

Not long after that she broke up with me.

She came by for a sort of final talk, one of the things that she said was "Do you think that I've cheated on you?" to which I said "Not cheated, but getting feelings" She guessed who I was suspecting straight away.
She looked me in the eyes and said "I haven't cheated on you or lied to you,I don't have and feelings for him, he is to clingy". I told her about the night the 3 of us went to dinner and that I really felt that she didn't want me there , she said that she wanted to go with him so that they could have a talk about us. There is another lie (different reason than the first time).

We sent txts back and forth, one of them was something like "My mind has changed for the better, I'd like to just see each other once a week so it doesn't get to much"

I went over there 2 or so days a week for about a month doing sort of normal things that we used to do.
Then came my birthday, me and her went to the local sports club that we're a member of for the free birthday dinner promotion they have.

That night I stayed at her place, we ended up having sex ( Now to me sex is an emotional connection sort of thing and I would only do it with someone that I love)
During "it" I was thinking that she is changing her mind and that she wants to get back together.

The next day we were in her room and she gets some txt messages from her male friend. She turns to me and says that she is going to the coast for the day (with just the male friend ) basically gets ready and leaves, not saying much and just leaving me there.

The next day she messages me and says "What do you think of us spending all of this time together?" to which I said something like "I think its a good thing"
I asked her why we had sex and she said "it takes two to tango and that I didn't have to if I didn't want to." I told her again what it means to me and she said that she did it because she wanted to feel closer to me (insert more confusion here).

We sent txts back and forth for a few weeks, one of them was something like "My mind has changed for the better, I'd like to just see each other once a week so it doesn't get to much"
I pretty much stopped going over there about here.

Now its 4 months after she left me and I had to go to her place for something.
His car is in the driveway, I knew as soon as I saw his car that they were together (just a vibe I had)

She was cooking him dinner (which she would never do in the way she was) so I ask her mum if they were together, she says that she has no idea (which i didn't buy into, just the way she said it I guess)

A few weeks passed and I had to go back for something, and this time both of his cars were there as well as all of his stuff and I mean ALL OF IT.

I knew the answer to the question but I asked her mother If he had moved in, she couldn't even look me in the eyes and kind of turned away (something very out of character) saying that "This is between you and her" and " I would have told you if something had being going on behind your back"

Of course this made me very upset because she was now with the very guy that I had suspected her mucking around with and the one that she said she denied having any feelings for.
Some txting later she says that it "just happened very recently" (of course I didn't buy that at all, she still maintained that she hadn't done anything wrong)

She still wanted us to be friends, I told her that I could never be in the same room as him and she said please don't be mad at him (just how she used to do when someone had a go at me to her)

This happened in October and I'm still feeling depressed and finding it hard to be happy.
I feel that if nothing had gone on behind my back, that she would realise soon enough
that she had made a mistake but I need something to change NOW.
I can't go on like this.
I feel like if I start seeing another girl that it wouldn't be fair on her (being with her just to get over my ex)
I feel like I have perment trust issues now aswell.
I also feel that if I knew that she had cheated on me (I would be very pissed off though) that I could move on.

Some extra stuff:
Here are 2 emails she sent me not long before she broke up with me for a week

Hey Gorgeous Baby Boy
I just want you to know how much i really love you and how much you mean to me, no-one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel and for that I'm truly thankful, I've really enjoyed these past 18months and I look foward to many more, I hope everything works out between us baby cos I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Love from your chicken baby xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

20 or so days later she sends me this:

Hey,
I really am confused I just dont know what to do but to be completley honest i think this is gonna end in tears, because no matter how hard I try to block all these negative thoughts out they always come back and i cant stop them, the main problem is that we are 2 totally different people who want different things in life and i know you have compromised for me and been coming out and stuff but you never would have done that if you weren't with me. You have changed to make me happy and thats not right.

I love you so much and you have made me so happy but theres nothing i can do to make these negative thoughts go away. I know how you feel about kids and thats just how you are but i want my partner to want kids as much as i do and like doing things i do not do it just because of me, i really like confidence in a guy and i dont know why but you lack self confidence all togther. I cant explain all the negative thoughts in words because theres just so many little things that add up and its the little things in life that matter, in some relationships when couples have problems alot of the time the are fixable problems but i dont think thats the case here, as i said i think we are just to different and i dont want you to have to change as a person and i dont want to change either. I know you once told me that if we were to break up u wudnt b able to b friends but i cant not have you in my life you mean so m8ch to me and the thought of not haveing u at all is overwhelming i not it'll b hard but please just shut me out alltogether. I love you and I'll talk to you soon please email me back How can she have such a big change so quickly unless she was lying to me?

I have known someone for ages that can get into anyones Myspace page account.
At the time I had thought of doing that to see if I could find anything in the PM's of her and her friends accounts that could put
me at ease either way.

Its probably to late now to find anything but is that something I should do so I can help myself move on ?

If anyone is still reading, is there any advise that I can have to help me out and move on?
Thanks for your time.

[VardyCodarexyz]

Just be glad you got away from her without any kids. She is a nut, and you need to move on. Stop texting her. Stop having to get stuff at her place. Find some new tang. Nothing gets the old tang taste outta your mouth like new tang! Seriously, dude. It is over. Move on and end all contact with her. Just smile that you will not be the one to have a kid with that most likely cheating biatch. 2 1/2 years seems like a long time, but it isn't, one day you probably wont even be able to recall her name.

[ChebuRAtoR]

Do not under any circumstances attempt to access her emails. If she finds out she will call the cops and you will go to court.

I don't think she ever lied about loving you. Fact is people can love more than one person at a time. She obviously had developed feelings for this other guy alot ealier than she has told you. It may have started out as friends and she may not have realised she was falling for him, but it happened and it confused the hell out of her and made her unsure of her feeling towards you. No doubt during this time he did all he could to win her over. As history shows, people always choose their newest love over their old, thinking it must be better.

As everyone says forget her, it's hard and takes time, lot's of time. You need to concentrate all this energy into something constructive, stop trying to get her to admit she cheated on you. And as everyone says if you can find someone else to think about it makes it alot easier. It's easy to mope around feeling sorry for yourself for months if you don't.

Whatever you do, do not try and get her back. If she goes back to you it is certain she will cheat on you again.

[eljugadordepoquer]

You'd be much further off believing what she has told you is the truth. You have nothing to gain by thinking she has been unfaithful to you as the relationship is already over. Do I think she was unfaithful? Probably not. She might have been in denial about her affection for the other guy but it's neither here nor there.

To your Question of what would I do.. I'd move on and try to get past her as best I could while still keeping her in a generally good light... NOT to the point where were good friends mind you, as that rarely works but you know .. on good terms.

[shihoodiacarf]

Relationship is over. Move on - delete all her contact details and try not to think about her. It'll be crap for a while, then you'll meet another girl and you'll have forgotten all about her.

[papadopul]

She doesn't sound like much of a nice person anyway if she's done that to you. A dropkick to her face will solve everything.

Seriously though, I'd say don't bother. You don't need to know anything more about it, I mean judging from what you put, every suspision you had about it was correct. So chances are you're right about everything else about it =P Seriously, just move on.

[xesvideo]

I know it sounds harsh but i agree with what a few others have said here, you need to a clean break. Totally end communication with her and try and get on with your life, it will be crap for a while but it will get better in the end.

[Impariclainna]

She's been sussing this guy out behind your back.

Just move on - it's really not worth it.

I had to do the hard thing with someone i'd been with for nearly two year a month ago... still have feelings for her in the back of my head - but I'm moving on successfully.

Move on, she's not worth it - there are so many women in the world you won't meet them old - you WILL find someone better - someone who deserves you - just give it a little time

[orillaVar]

I was going to make a long post, but sod that.
Forget about any suspicions you may have had and give them your blessing. If they were honest and it developed after you broke up then it's all good. If they were going behind your back it may make them guilty and they deserve each other.
Get an full check for STDs and move on. There are a lot of great girls/women out there so don't let this one sour you on them.

One thing I would suggest, though, is giving some thought to your actions - or lack of them - that may have provoked this reaction.

[rolex-buy]

Hey mate,

Something very similar has happened to me over the last couple of months so i thought i would give you some input. Basically i was going out with this girl for 6 years. I basically met her when i was 16 and we were pretty much inseparable, i always felt that we had some kind of major connection because we have always had loads in common and because we basically grew up together.
Over the last year one of my mates had been spending a lot of time texting her and basically giving her a lot of attention, he would walk past her window when he was on nights out and text that he was out side and basically flirt. Now i thought nothing of this because he is kinda a male ***** type and she knew it and he was doing it to all her mates too. Plus they have nothing in common and he wasn't even her type.
She started to act weird around me around August time, like constantly picking fights and not seeming very enthusiastic about anything anymore, i just thought it was a bad phase we were going through as we had been through one a couple of years ago so i just tried to keep my chin up and be as loving as possible.
She went to Europe late august for a month with some friends and then when she came back she started saying stuff to me like how she wasn't happy and how she didn't really miss me all that much. So basically we had a talk and she was going on about how i had self confidence issues and basically ripping into my ego and saying how much better she was than me.
Cut to last week, i was talking to her on msn, saying how i still wanted to be friends and stuff and then she said to me that she didn't know if we could because i would find it easy to be with someone else because i know that she doesn't want me, i didn't have to feel bad. Those are pretty much the words she used even though they don't make much sense. I asked her if she had met someone, she said to me "haven't you guessed" and then said that she had been seeing my mate for the last couple of months on and off.
This shocked me because i always thought that we had some kind of higher connection and that even though we had broken up she genuinely did want to be friends, not to mention the guy she is seeing is a complete baboon and i thought she had more intelligence than that.
The point is, people change over time, people you think will be a part of your life forever sometimes disappoint you and you just have to learn from it and try and better yourself. One good thing you have gotten out of this is that she ended it with you. Which means you don't have to have any doubts in your mind about whether you have made the right decision as it was pretty much out of your hands. It's on her conscience not yours.
One thing i have to say is, at the moment i am kinda feeling like i can't go out with anyone else either as i still feel connected to her in some strange way and i don't know why but i feel kinda like i would be cheating. It's hard to explain what i mean but i think i will know when i am ready to move on. Chin up mate and try to enjoy christmas! I will be thinking of you as i know how you feel.

[Mqcawkzd]

I have to say move on, she obviously has issues and you don't want somone like that. It may be hard but its better in the long run

[Uvgsgssu]

Wait a second, how come people always get pissed off at the other person? In this case you said "you can't be in the same room as the guy". Dude.. yes he disrespected you because he tried to get your girl BUT she's the one you should be pissed off at.

Think of it this way, be happy that he's with her.. because from now on.. he's gonna suffer.. and you don't have to anymore. It sux when people do this to each other, so many people don't respect anything anymore.

Get rid of everything thats hers.. everything, pictures, numbers, texts, emails.. In my head that's what she did when she went for the other guy.. I can only imagine how you feel and right before the holidays too. Happened to me 2 years in a row with two different girls, I suspected cheating right before new years, and after new years one broke up with me, the other one I broke up with.

Also, the way thats worked for me is, one 'break' is too many. Live, love, learn. Again, people change and it's weird how after 6 years you can end something, and it's frightfull at the back of my mind..

Good luck bud!

[AngelinaTheElf]

I'll just clear one thing up a bit, by "get over her" I mean more of how I'm feeling crap/pissed off at what has happened.
Even if nothing had "sus" had happened, with the way she went
about doing things I don't think I could trust her ever again.

#2 zeddoo :
Yea I am, I know how big a deal having a kid is thats why I didn't want to rush into things.
I haven't sent her a text her in ages , nor has she sent me one.
We do have a bit of contact via Myspace though which going on what people have said is
their replys should probably be stopped.
I have found some more of her stuff, I'm just going to try and drop it off when they aren't there.
I have thought of finding someone else, sometimes I feel like I can but mostly I feel
like I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and It wouldn't be fair on the girl.

#3 canberraKarter :
The reason I suggested that is because I just had a feeling that if I found proof either way
It'd put me a ease a bit. I wont be doing it now though.
I do believe that she loved me. My feeling is that she was influenced by him and other people, she chose to listen to them instead of her origional feelings.
Personally, I don't believe that people can truely love more than one person. If what you're feeling is true, you would have no need to love anyone else.
I agree that its not good to mope around, I just can't get the issue out of my head.
One thing about finding someone else, is how I would feel when she started saying "I love you" and " I want to be with you forever" etc, at the moment I would find it extremely
difficult to believe her.

#4 Kalidren :
I guess why I would like to know that she had cheated is that I would then be able to know
who around her I could trust.
I know that her parents and friends would know if she had cheated, I would then know
that they have no respect for me as they wouldn't have told me that she had.

Cheated on me or not, she HAS lied to me and gone about this in probably the most painfull way she could.
What would be the benifit of keeping her in a good light/good terms?
I do think there was something there even if she didn't think there was, its to much of a
fluke that she is now with the guy that I suspected. Even though she said she didn't plan
it and that it "just happened".

#5 802.11 :
Yea, that seems like the best thing to do.
I think the reason that I'm so cut up is that she was my first serious love and my "first".
I feel like everything that we said to eachother and did together has been cheapened so much and that now I'm just another number.

#6 Cyph3r :
I just can't see how I could have been so wrong about her.
I think the only thing pointing towards her not cheating etc is her saying that she hasn't done anything wrong, everything else points towards that she did.

#7Damaged :
A sound comment, thanks.


#8 crowhorse :
What happened with you that made you end it?

#9 Gordo :
Thats true, but I don't see how I could have been picking up on nothing, and then been spot on.
The STD reason is another good reason as to why I would like to know.
I can see a few things that I had unintentionally done, but one of the things she has said
is that I haven't done anything wrong and that I have given her everything she ever wanted.
Which doesn't make sence.

#10 grungekid :
I wonder if the self confidence thing is something they do to help them not feel as bad.
That sux, it'd feel like both of them betrayed you I would think.
I know exactly how feel about you feeling like you would be cheating, I went through that
exact faze. I think I'm throught that now though.

#11 Stealth :
Yea, seems like the best thing to do.

#12 kabal99 :
Thats a good point, I am pissed of at him for his part in it and I am at her too, now that
I think about it, I can't be in the same room as her either.
In a way it is good that he is with her now..
If he is willing to cheat WITH her, he is willing to cheat ON her and I'll have the last laugh.
I did get rid of most stuff.
They ment so much to me when she gave them to me, but she has taken all of the meaning away from them now.
I respect most people, I have none for ones that cheat though.
I can't get rid of her photos, I make to many backups of the photos I take, it'd be to hard
to weed them out.
I think deleting her numbers/ myspace contact etc is the next thing to do.


Thanks for the replys guys, you all seemed to have a common theme that I think has
helped out a bit.
And Merry Christmas to everyone![thumbup]

[ChebuRAtoR]

Yes it will be hard to trust anyone again who says they "love you" for a while. That's life though I guess.

Have a good Xmas and I hope you find yourself an attractive girl to ease the pain on New Years Eve [xmasthumbup]

[orillaVar]

Seems a few of you have had bad experiences when the "female dog" has bad mouthed you when breaking up - have you considered they did that so they could justify to themselves that what they did was 'right'?
You're well rid of them, and the sooner you realise that the better. You're also better than them as you gave them your trust, which they abused - doesn't say much about the 'mates' either, does it? Whilst I generally dislike violence, I wouldn't blame you for decking the guys involved as they deliberately set out to undermine you and steal the girls involved.

Be interesting to see if they come crawling back when the new relationship turns to poo.

[edit] Sod dropping off her stuff - call her parents and tell them they can find her stuff in the gutter outside your door. Why should you go out of your way?

[tramadolwithall]

She has no idea what she wants. In a few weeks or months, once this guy pisses her off, she is going to go behind his back chillin' with a guy. Don't even be surprised if she tried to make you that guy. Don't even be surprised if she runs around for a while, and then begs to come back.


I would just drop all communications. Don't read or reply to anything that she sends you. Give it some time for you to not get all emotional when you read those kinds of things. Go out, have fun, meet some new friends and girls. If you hook up with another girl, she is going to find out what is up, so she can decide if she is just being used. You don't worry about that. You just have fun and do what you want.
Once you get to the point where you can read her emails, handle her on the phone, read her txts without getting emotional, then that is when you can start. Listen to what she has to say and then give her 1 of 3 answers
1.) Bug off
2.) I used to feel that way, but since you moved on, I felt like I needed to move on too. Things have changed for the both of us, I am loving life and I hope that things work out for you. (Basically sort of caring, but also sort of just blowing her off)
3.) Lets do it, here's your ring, lets get married.



Though really, don't be surprised for that relationship to work out for all that long. You could always just wait for it to go down the gutter, and then be there for her. Though, this is always iffy because it could take quiet some time and you would just be waisting your time.

[Adfcvkdg]

i can relate to much of what you've said in your post, but what's clear is that she was able to dictate many of the terms of your relationship.

where you say she made the decision you'd 'see each other two days a week', for me this is instant alarm bells. what of your opinion on the matter? if it were me, out of self respect, i'd just walk away, no matter what.

you need someone who wants YOU as you are, not part of you, on their terms.

in these times, it's good to just make sure you have no contact, as it's the best, easiest, and fastest way to get past someone.


but don't let it harden you. remember - saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. it's the time you spent together that matters, not how you left it

[AngelinaTheElf]

#14 canberraKarter
Yea, Hopefully time will fix it.

#15 Gordo
I had thought thats why she said those things.
When I look back at it, I was never fully at ease around him from the first day I met him.
I did feel like doing something to him but that would just have made me as lower a person
as him
.Don't know what I would do at this stage if she did come back.
One of the things that she left behind was a drinking board game, I'm not sure if its hers
or her families.

#16 red_dog007
Thats a possablity but I don't wanna think of that, because thats one of the things people
have said would keep dragging it out for me.
I'd most likely say something like #2

#17 Snagglebrick
I have to agree on that,I guess that its just my nature to try and make my girl happy.
You have a very good way of putting things.


Have a Good Christmas everyone!!

[orillaVar]

You DO know what you'll do if she comes crawling back - you'll tell her "Tough, better luck next time", smile nicely and close the door in her face (figuratively or literally speaking), got it?

Give them a second chance and you'll deserve everything they do to you. Remember, this wasn't a moment of weakness, which may be forgiven but a calculated series of actions on their parts!

[unioneserry]

had a similar experience with one of my ex gf's, been together about 9 months and she decided she wanted a break. was upset but just got on with things, sent her a text about 5 days in asking how she was and if she still wanted to meet for my bday

met up just as friends really had soemthing to eat and went for a couple of drinks, she left and i thought that was basically the way things were going to be. she text me later and basically things went back to normal with us, told me how she couldn't face leaving me that day etc and she broke into tears in the bakers and even her mum said about time when she found out.

after that we seemed to get on better than ever and became really close, well until about 11 months later. out of the blue she wanted to end it over msn and then the phone but i went round, she said had not been in love with me for a few months and had cheated on my with her bf before me.

it knocked me for six and i was a complete mess for several months after, we had talked about marrage and me moving with her. but after time with no contact i got over her, it took a lot of time and i really found out i had some good friends but i got through it

been messed in the head recently by another lass, only saw her for a couple of months but she just stopped returning texts and calls one day. after trying to ring her a few times and no reply i basically decided to move on, then the other weekend i get a message from her. messed me in the head which i was annoyed about as it had never bothered me up until that point, slight problem is she is my housemates best friend so i will see her again but considering she is 3 years older than me its her thats being immature and not being able to end it properly


after what happened it will just take time for you to get to a place where you know that you can look at meeting someone new, and that you are able to properly commit to that person without having any hang ups.

i agree that you need to cut communication as it stops you thinking about that person, and just keep yourself busy as well. it will take time but you will get there and find someone better