[Nundduedola]

By the way, we are not yet married, just in case you guys are thinking I scrooged you all on a major story.

[smirnoffdear]

Seriously, start collecting these stories and make a book! [thumbup] Always an excellent read and superbly worded! Glad to hear things are getting better now. I haven't had a surgery in years, and I hope to keep it that way

[Nundduedola]

It must be. I've just been having so much fun since last Friday, I didn't realize the end of the week had already arrived!

Let's see... a crackerjack broke into my storage locker at home on Friday, a nurse shoved a cotton swab up my ass on Monday, I stripped down naked for x-rays on Tuesday, SavantGirl shaved my balls on Wednesday, and I got my groin cut open at the hospital on Thursday.

If nothing else, it can be said that this has NOT been a good week for privacy.

Friday 1:30pm - I was in the office and the phone rang. It was SavantGirl and I could tell right away something was wrong. Just minutes earlier, she had discovered the door to our storage locker had been busted apart. She wasn't sure how much stuff was taken, but it was immediately clear that my 21-speed Rockhound mountain bike was gone. What transpired on my end of the phone was a long-winded obscenity-laden rant, coupled with some fist-smashing atop my desk and a few sharp kicks against the wall.

SavantGirl called the police and I called our landlords. I wasn't expecting a lot to happen, but I definitely wanted new locks put on all our doors. We'd already lived there 1.5 years and this was the second time we had been robbed (busted into the car when we first moved in).

I was a mess, and immediately took out my frustration on several co-workers. It seemed the polite and responsible thing to do.

Friday 2:30pm - Another call from SavantGirl, but her tone was drenched in elation. Though this phone call would crush my earlier conceived visions of rampaging the alleys in my neighbourhood with a freshly sharpened Easton aluminum slung over my shoulder, what happened next completely blew my mind.

The cops arrived and met SavantGirl downstairs by our busted storage locker. Seeing SavantGirl and the cop by the locker, this fellow strolls around the corner and asks, "Is that your storage locker?" "Yes," SavantGirl replied, "and some crackerjack stole my husband's mountain bike!" "I know!" he retorts! I was down here last night at 12:30am taking my dog for a walk and I saw this crackerjack with a crowbar taking stuff out of your locker. I shouted at him and he bolted, but I chased him across the street to that slum building, found out his name and what apartment he's in!" [shocked] As if not already amazing enough, he carries on, "Hey, I think I have your bike too!" He turned to open his locker and there was my bike, perfectly safe! This awesome neighbour interrupted the burglar, chased him away, found out where he lives, and saved my bike! Furthermore, the cop went over to the crackhead's place, found out he had two outstanding warrants, and arrested him on the spot! Can you believe it?!

I was floored. I'm still floored. The strata manager and our landlords came the next day to resecure all our doors, and addressed some other security concerns I'd been voicing for several months. Very impressed with their quick response to our near disaster.

Buddy came over that night and helped me empty the storage locker before the new locks were put on. If any of you read my last story regarding my bout with pneumonia in the hospital, you might remember me saying that I'm awaiting hernia surgery, so I needed his help moving everything since I can't lift anything heavier than a pencil. And that leads into the second part of my post...

Thought my surgery was going to be in July. I was dreading waiting that long, because I really am in a good deal of pain most of the day. You can only get away with having your hand permanently gripped on your crotch at work for so long before your boss starts rethinking his hiring policy. Well, there was a cancelation, and they bumped up my surgery to April 26! I think I found that out on April 20. So I had some scrambling to do in order to get ready.

Monday 3:00pm - Bloodwork at the lab, followed by a lovely examination back at the hospital. One nasal swab to check for MRSA and a pleasant rectal swab to check for VRE which I had never even heard of before. There's just no cool way to turn around, drop your pants, put your hands on the wall and bend over, as a nurse approaches you from behind with a sharp stick. Believe me, it was no great episode of Naughty Nurses.

Tuesday 3:30pm - My last followup chest x-ray to see if the pneumonia was gone. In keeping with the theme of the week, I couldn't get my gown to tie at the back, so I got to stand around mostly naked amid a crew of technicians who also never got a callback from the Naughty Nurses auditions.

Wednesday 9:00pm - At home with SavantGirl. Knowing there was some prep work to be done before my surgery the next morning, I opted to let SavantGirl take charge of the clippers. Into the shower we went. It wasn't quite Janet Leigh in Psycho and it wasn't quite a Jenna Jameson feature, but I definitely emerged looking like a very well endowed 9 year old boy. Oh, and it's itchy as hell, further compounding my recent problem of gripping my groin. I'm sure it won't be long before I get arrested while walking past Toys R Us.

Thursday 10:15am - The scheduled time of my surgery. Of course, nothing ever happens on time at the hospital. On a major side note to you Smallville fans, I was at "Smallville Medical Center."

Naturally, my efforts last night were not up to the nurses' standards, so they pulled out their own clippers and went to work on my groin again. At least the gown covered my ass this time, but they made me wear these ridiculous stretchy green socks that came up to my knees. As if my bald groin wasn't enough to make me look like a boy, now I was wearing Peter Pan socks.

Made it into the OR at 12:15pm, and I must give them credit for their choice of drugs because I don't remember a thing after saying 'hello' to the anesthesiologist. Woke up around 1:00pm feeling quite alert, but it didn't take long to notice the new pain down there. Even a double shot of morphine didn't begin to touch it. I must be extremely resistant to morphine because I noticed it didn't touch my chest pain last month either. Thankfully, someone came along with some T3s and they did a decent job of numbing the area.

Of course, I couldn't leave the hospital without engaging in a fight with a nurse or causing a scene in the bathroom. [yes]

So I'm back with SavantGirl in sort of a triage area around 2:00pm. We were chatting and I had a frosty gingerale that was tasting rather nice. So I reach over to grab my cell phone and see who might have called. It's a work phone and today was my first day off, so I was curious to see who called. Well, this uber bitch head nurse barges over and begins yelling at me! "Don't do that! You need to relax! You need to relax right now! You shouldn't be doing that!" Even slightly doped up on the T3s, I knew she was whacked. "I'm very relaxed," I insisted. At least I was before you came along, I wanted to say.

I guess she didn't like my attitude, so she went around the back of the bed and said, "You have to get up. You have to stand up right now!" And she starts lifting the back of the bed! I swear to God, I think she thought she was going to roll me out of bed and send me out the door right there! I sort of tried to sit up as she was lifting, but when I hit 45 degrees I knew I had hit a wall. I yelped very loudly as my very recently dissected lower abdominal wall exploded in pain. "Back down! Back down!" I shouted. She did lower it, and then barked at me, "What's your pain, on a scale of 1-10?" "Well, it was a two, but jumped to a ten when you started lifting!" I growled at her. "Well, you have to get up," she carried on, not making eye contact and walking away. Lucky for both of us, that was the last time she came near me.

Believe me, I hate lying in hospital beds, but I was not at all ready to get up. A new (friendlier) nurse dealt with me for the next 45 minutes or so. She gave me another shot of T3s. It was a deadly effort, but I did finally sit up. My need to empty my bladder was really my only motivation.

I got standing ok, even though the pain was still pretty severe. I tippy-toed to the bathroom with SavantGirl holding my arm. I locked myself inside and gingerly positioned myself over the bowl. Now I don't understand the medical reasoning behind this, but as soon as I started urinating, the whole world started to fade away very rapidly. Within 2 seconds I felt dizzy. After 5 seconds and I started losing focus. After maybe 7 seconds I thought I was going to fall over. My brain went to mush and it took every bit of mental power to decide if I should run to the door or finish peeing. I rolled the dice and decided that I could finish peeing and still make it to the door. It was the stream that never ended or at least it seemed that way. It finally ended, though, I gave only a single shake instead of the standard triple. There was just no time. The world was spinning into a haze and I knew how much my groin was going to hurt if I fell to the floor. I went to turn, but my left leg wouldn't move. My IQ continued to drop and nothing made sense. The hernia was on my right side, and now my left leg wouldn't move. I tried again. I couldn't move my leg! It made no sense! Of course, I panicked, which made my weakened state deteriorate even faster. I literally started talking to my leg. "Move to the right!" I was sure I was using the right muscle, but still nothing was happening! This made NO sense!! I saw the 'help' cord hanging in front of me and gave it a good tug. Again, I tried to make my legs move, but nothing was happening. This was probably now 20 seconds since I had stopped peeing. I finally yarded up my gown and had a look at my legs. I'm such an idiot. [thumbup] I was literally standing over the bowl and I guess I had taken so many T3s that I couldn't feel my left leg hitting the side of the bowl each time I tried to turn. I concentrated really hard and made my right leg take a step backward. I was free from the bowl!!! I was crashing fast, though! I heard the nurses at the door already as I staggered towards it. I vaguely remember opening the door and falling into the arms of two nurses. I think I rolled off one and into a waiting wheelchair. Two or three more seconds and I think I would have bounced my head off the floor. I was right out of it. SavantGirl said my face went ghostly white.

I guess I fainted, but I still don't understand why it didn't happen until I started peeing. Maybe my deflating bladder shifted my new wound. I don't know.

We left the hospital shortly after that, and I'm pleased to report that I haven't had any other incidents in the past 24 hours. It's still sore and I'm labouring to get out of bed and walk. I booked 2.5 weeks off work, so I hope that gives me enough time to heal.

I'm truly glad this week is over. Thanks for reading, if you lasted this long.

[praboobolbode]

REPOST!

http://www.futuremark.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45264

[siflversonemunk]

Through all your suffering, I found that a thoroughly enjoyable read! [thumbup]

Hope you get better soon!

[dogdesign]

Wall of text crits you for: Great read m8 haha!

[nitivearchit]

You got married and you never told us!? *******.

[km2000]

You got married and you never told us!? *******.

Yup, no wedding pic's either - double ******* !

[thumbup][thumbup]Congrat's to you both, anyway [thumbup][thumbup]

Hope things settle down for you, Waters - you want to take some advantage of the additional recreation time you've got at the mo'

[blackjackblax]

hope you are feeling good mate, my dad came out of hospital a few weeks ago after a hernia op. he was in longer due to getting bowl cancer a couple of years ago, is clear but still not back to normal

[Nundduedola]

Washed up a bit and got my dressing changed today. It's bloodier than I had hoped to see, but I think I'll live. Did a bit of walking today, and that seemed to help stretch it out.

It's funny... SavantGirl had her appendix out 6 months ago. Her scar is damn near the same size as my new wound, and in almost the same location. They'll be like matching tattoos eventually.