[TravelMan]

Heh... never thought I'd be on the posting side of one of these threads [surrender]

Ok... so... GF of 15 months just came to me today out of the blue, when I wasn't expecting her to show.

I'm chatting to my flat mates in the kitchen, didn't know anything was wrong. She doesn't stay to chat as normal, heads straight to my room. So I follow her and she burst into tears as soon as she gets in the room.

Then the immortal words come out:

"I'm pregnant"

So there's me, standing in the middle of my room, first time I've ever been frozen in fear & unable to talk for about 2 minutes.

Right, so I get over the first shock, go over to comfort her, we cuddle. then after a little while the words come out 'Looks like you're going to have to do the party and drinking for the both of us from now on'.

(At this time I should explain, we're both first year uni students, I'm 19 and she just turned 30 a couple of weeks ago. Also that we've talked about this in the past & she knows how I feel about having kids before I'm 40, so I was trying to make her feel better, but at the time I was safe in the knowledge she was going to head down to the doctor and get an abortion).

And there's me in shock again, but talking this time, "Uhhhh... why is that? You're not keeping it are you?"..... to which she replies.... "Yeah"

Then there was a bit more banter... along the lines of how can you do this to me & how can I trust you anymore... followed by about 30 mins of neither of us talking to each other.

I move over to the computer to have something to do to get my mind off it, she asks for a cuddle, I tell her I'm busy. Pretty soon after that she leaves saying, "If you want me to come back over or to talk just give me a call".




My question is, where would you go from here, what would you do?


(I know I know... I would just like various opinions to help me get ahold of my own at the minute, I'm not sure what to think.)

Cheers!

[JeremyIV]

this thread should teach a lot of people to always use condoms

[ballingham]

Wow tough situation. Thats a pretty big age gap between you two. She on one hands is at the right age to have a baby and personally i think at 19 no one is ready to have a baby.

You guys need to sit down and have a really good talk about what you guys want to do. Not argue, just talk. Don't think about whats best for you guys, think about what is best for the little one that you want to bring into the world. I'm not getting started or abortions etc and i'm not taking sides here, but if both of you cannot agree that you are ready to have a baby now then abort it. Its sad i know but its worse trying to raise a baby that has split parents, or parents who argue a lot and cannot support the little one.

So my best advice is to sit down like adults and talk it over. Keep us posted on how things go.

[Soulofpostar]

i guess you need to think about it alot then ask some questions.

are you (both) ready for kids yet? (it sound like not from what you've said)

how far gone is she? (if she is only just preg a abotion may not be required eg morning after pill)

bascally you two need to sit down and talk it out good luck.

[TravelMan]

Wow tough situation. Thats a pretty big age gap between you two. She on one hands is at the right age to have a baby and personally i think at 19 no one is ready to have a baby.

You guys need to sit down and have a really good talk about what you guys want to do. Not argue, just talk. Don't think about whats best for you guys, think about what is best for the little one that you want to bring into the world. I'm not getting started or abortions etc and i'm not taking sides here, but if both of you cannot agree that you are ready to have a baby now then abort it. Its sad i know but its worse trying to raise a baby that has split parents, or parents who argue a lot and cannot support the little one.

So my best advice is to sit down like adults and talk it over. Keep us posted on how things go.

Yeah - the age gap was already starting to cause issues. Both she and I know that I'm nowhere near ready to have a child & tbh I don't even want one!

I already tried to bring up what it would be like for the child & that it would be a bad situation to bring one up in.... then she used me as an excuse (my dad left when I was two weeks old because he couldn't handle being a father, haven't seen him since & I turned out fine.... which is EXACTLY the thing I didn't want to do).

Then there's the added factor that she was told by a doctor that she was infertile. That combined with the fact we both took STD dip & blood tests were the two reasons I wasn't wearing a condom.

We had talked about this previously, that even if she was fertile or there was another way, I wouldn't be ready until I was 40+

Even if she did keep it & both of us were going to try and support the child, we would have to quit uni. It would ruin both of our lives.

I've just got to try and talk some sense into her & use the - if you got pregnant once, you will be able to again - line

[ElenaEvgeevna]

Well,honestly,you'd be being a bit of a ******* to try and coerce her into having an abortion if she didn't want to. whatever happens you need to respect her wishes and opinions on the matter...even if it ultimately ends up being a devisive issue for you two. In which case,it probably wasn't "right" anyhow.

[TravelMan]

i guess you need to think about it alot then ask some questions.

are you (both) ready for kids yet? (it sound like not from what you've said)

how far gone is she? (if she is only just preg a abotion may not be required eg morning after pill)

bascally you two need to sit down and talk it out good luck.

Well, pregnancy tests don't show that you're pregnant until two weeks after impregnation... so it has to have been over two weeks ago & from the 26th march I was in another country without her. Then the weekend before that she had a period, which finished on the 18th.

So I know that she must have been impregnated between the 19th and 25th March. - but that's still ~ 4 weeks ago - so I don't think the morning after pill would suffice unfortunately

[penpizdes]

She's 30?! And you're 19?!!

Dude, that's just weird, and not in a good way. I think that was your first mistake.

What do you do now? I'd pretty much say you're f**cked. You can't possibly "force" her to have an abortion (nor should you for God's sake), and you're not willing to bolt on the kid (again, nor should you), so I think all you can really do is hunker down for fatherhood. Reach out to your family; you're going to need them.

You have my sympathies. Really.

[ElenaEvgeevna]

I've just got to try and talk some sense into her & use the - if you got pregnant once, you will be able to again - line

And there'that's exactly what I mean..that would be being an *******.

Seriously.

[TravelMan]

Well,honestly,you'd be being a bit of a ******* to try and coerce her into having an abortion if she didn't want to. whatever happens you need to respect her wishes and opinions on the matter...even if it ultimately ends up being a devisive issue for you two. In which case,it probably wasn't "right" anyhow.

Well - I would have taken it alot easier if we hadn't already talked about it multiple times in the past.

But because I was expecting it to go that way, suddenly for it not to.

My first reaction was... you used to be 3rd best sprinter in school, you can run faster than her.... lol! But I didn't, I stayed and talked.

[ballingham]

But how was your childhood not having our father around? Wasn't it hard because one of my friends turned out fine and his dad left when he was 2. But his childhood wasn't what i would call ideal. And he always had problems and was kind of out casted when it came to certain things when he was a child.

Sorry to be intrusive, but if your really not ready for a child then you need to lay down all you can to try and keep her from having one. Are you sure shes not 'clucky' or she really does want a baby and she flipped you the good old 'I'm infertile' line just to hook a nice guy?

[TravelMan]

She's 30?! And you're 19?!

Dude, that's just weird, and not in a good way. I think that was your first mistake.

Eh, thought it was worth a try - plus I already started to care for her before I found out how old she was. I set 10 years as my maximum age difference and she was 28 when I met her, I was 18.

[ElenaEvgeevna]

Well - I would have taken it alot easier if we hadn't already talked about it multiple times in the past.

But because I was expecting it to go that way, suddenly for it not to.
.

Your reaction is still far less than ideal,no matter how benevolent you think you're being by staying to talk. Life doesn't always go as planned,that doesn't mean when things like this happen that you should try to manipulate someone into doing what you would like regardless of their own feelings.

[Karensmith]

You two do need to talk it out. But if she wants the baby then you should not try to talk her out of it. Bad idea on all fronts. Sounds to me like she needs to visit the doctor again to see if she really can get pregnant whenever. Good luck on this one.

[TravelMan]

But how was your childhood not having our father around? Wasn't it hard because one of my friends turned out fine and his dad left when he was 2. But his childhood wasn't what i would call ideal. And he always had problems and was kind of out casted when it came to certain things when he was a child.

Sorry to be intrusive, but if your really not ready for a child then you need to lay down all you can to try and keep her from having one. Are you sure shes not 'clucky' or she really does want a baby and she flipped you the good old 'I'm infertile' line just to hook a nice guy?

If I'm honest, I truly don't think I suffered.

My mum has a couple of very good jobs, but they didn't keep her away from me too much.

I have a good group of friends & got on with most people at school, I was never really outcast of anything.

But even with that, I want my child to have a happy, well supporting family.

If she goes through this, I know I'm too young to handle it & there's no way I want to put a kid through that.

[ballingham]

Well,honestly,you'd be being a bit of a ******* to try and coerce her into having an abortion if she didn't want to. whatever happens you need to respect her wishes and opinions on the matter...even if it ultimately ends up being a devisive issue for you two. In which case,it probably wasn't "right" anyhow.

And where is his say in all of this. I agree that him dipping his wick without protection was a bad idea. But since when is it once a girl gets pregnant the guy can go get stuffed? Him not wanting it is the same as her wanting it. His not being an ass, hes being realistic. If anything (no offence her op) but his gf is being the idiot here. How can uni students support an infant? Its ok for her because she is much older and mature. He's 19. He's exactly right when he says he would have to leave uni. Do you expect him to be flipping burgers for a living just to support a baby that will have a poor childhood because she wanted the baby. Where is the justification? Its goes both ways here.

[TravelMan]

Your reaction is still far less than ideal,no matter how benevolent you think you're being by staying to talk. Life doesn't always go as planned,that doesn't mean when things like this happen that you should try to manipulate someone into doing what you would like regardless of their own feelings.

Ok - you're saying I should consider her feelings. Which is fair enough, and I need to.

But then - shouldn't she consider mine too?

2 way street.

Plus, I think this is one time when it's ok to be selfish, this could change the rest of my life and in a very bad way. But aswell as being selfish, I'm trying to look around my own needs & look at those of the child. It would be a very bad situation to raise a child.

[ElenaEvgeevna]

Sounds like a really big difference to me,I mean you're bascically stating that you wouldn't have a child with her until she literally would be at an age where complications would be likely if she were to try again..and it may not be possible then still.

Try to think about it from her perspective,I mean there's no way to know exactly what she's thinking...but if she thought sh was infertile and then became pregnant...That may very well be something that it would just be "wrong" to deny her of.

It's not just something that should be bound solely to your deire,try and actually treat her as a person instead of...well,*that*.

Maybe you should get over your fear about it and try to support her through it,if you really actually care about her.

[ElenaEvgeevna]

Ok - you're saying I should consider her feelings. Which is fair enough, and I need to.

But then - shouldn't she consider mine too?

2 way street..

Sure it is,but you sound completely unwilling to compromise,or to empathize with *her* side of the situation.

Read my last post,and do please try to get over yourself,at least a bit, for her sake,

[penpizdes]

(Meh, wasn't really appropriate)