[tarmpriopay]

I love the Aussie joke (being an Aussie of course) and Marvel, I've shared your jokes around the office and there's been much guffawing.

[Yifnvmzp]

What's the only part of Popeye that doesn't rust?

The part he keeps in Olive Oil ...

tish boom

[dasneycomrov]

An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says "doctor I need something for my eyes, I can't see well these days".

The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses, and tells him to return in two weeks.

The snake comes back in two weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor says "what's the problem, didn't the glasses help?"

"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the last two years".

[padlabtard]

A couple had two boys aged 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occured in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to the boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the 10 year old in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "where is God"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. the clergyman repeated the question, "where is God"? Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and climbed into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened"?

The younger brother, gasping for breath replied, "we are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it".

[Koayrbzh]

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe.

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gal whiskey

Method

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink, repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window, Check the whiskey again. Go to bed and have dreams of a fat man in a red suit with children with strange pointy ears, dressed in green by your bed.

LOL Merry CHRISTmas

[forextradinginfo]

Did you know Bach had some 10-14 children?

They say there were no stops on his organ.

Did you hear about the man who went streaking throught the church?

They caught him by the organ.

[55Beaphable]

Marval,
Those last ones were great ... especially the whiskey one - lol. I howled at that one.

[VistaULTIMATEdownloadaPro]

I'm so glad you liked them Krummhorn. They do say laughter is the best medicine.

[GaxyGroordrep]

Here are some unfortunate notices.

In a toilet

Toilet out of order please use floor below

In a Laundry

Automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

In a store

Bargain basement upstairs

In an office

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken

In an office

After tea break staff should empty the teapot, and stand upside down on the draining board

Outside a second hand shop

We exchange anything, bicyles,washing machines. etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain

In health food shop window

Closed due to illness

In a safari park

Elephants please stay in your car

During a conference

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor

In a farmers field

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

On a repair shop door

We can repair anything, (please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work

[tyclislavaify]

How all careers end.

Lawyers are disbarred

Ministers are defrocked

Electricians are delighted / refused

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented

Drunks are distilled

Alpine climbers are dismounted

Piano tuners are unstrung

Orchestra leaders are disbanded

Artists models are deposed

Cooks are deranged

Nudists are redressed

Office clerks are defiled

Mediums are dispirited

Programmers are decoded

Accountants are discredited

Pastry chefs are deserted

Perfume makers are dissented

Butterfly collectors are debugged

Students are degraded

Bodybuilders are rebuffed

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discoloured

Judges are disappointed

Vegas dealers are discarded

Mathematicians are discounted

Tree surgeons disembark

[AgowlSown]

haha, those two are great, marval

[IodinkBoilk]

Hi Ms. Margaret,

You forgot one:

Composers will decompose

Cheers,

Corno Dolce

[dhrishiasv]

And ... Old musicians never fade away - they keep going from bar to bar.

[ButKnillinoi]

Hi Krummhorn,

And... old organists never pipe down

[medshop]

Very good additions from both of you.

[Cogebrego]

Thanx Ms. Margaret...

[Imihooniump]

Hi Krummhorn,

And... old organists never pipe down

I've never heard that one, Corno Dolce ... Laughing my socks off

Not a joke, but certainly humorous "alternate" lyrics for the well known hymn tune: St. Denio: (Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise)

Immoral, impossible, God only knows
how tenors and basses, sopranos, altos
at service on Sunday are rarely the same
as those who on Thursday to choir practice came.

Unready, unable to sight-read the notes
nor counting, nor blending, they tighten their throats.
The descant so piercing is soaring above
the melody only a mother could love.

They have a director, but no one knows why.
No one in the choir deigns turn him an eye.
It's clear by his waving, he wants them to look,
but each of them stands with his nose in the book.

Despite the offenses, the music rings out.
The folks in the pews are enraptured, no doubt.
Their faces are blissful, their thoughts are so deep,
But it is no wonder, for they are asleep

[Pdarassenko]

Thanx you most blessed, honored, and most dear Krummhorn for sharing the alternate text to the St. Denio tune. I heard it many years ago and busted my ribs with laughter. Again you brought me great mirth and merriment

Thank you dear sir,

Corno Dolce

ps. Sooooooooo true - life does imitate art - you can wave all you want as choir director but sometimes being a choir director is like herding cats.

[genna]

Tell me about it. I'm crying with laughter here...

[Aswdwdfg]

That alternate text was really funny.

Here's more laughter I hope.



A new paster moved into town, and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no-one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times.
Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10". Upon opening his Bible to the passage his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads "Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice, and opens the door I will come in to him, and will dine with him and he with me".

Genesis 3:10 Reads "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked".