[Âåðåùàãèí]

Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. *If *you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken.
*
"Now this message is for America 's most famous athletes:
**

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat *of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. *Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.**If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to *Guam.

Change your name.*

Fake your own death!*
Whatever you do *
Do Not Go!!!

I *know. *

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. *I was thrilled. I was pumped. *I was toast! *I *should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach . *

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. *He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake*-- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. *If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. *

Biff King was born to fly. *His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) *Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. *Jack would wake up from naps; surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff" *

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I*should eat the next morning. *

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?"**I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. *(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . But,*still, very cool.) *I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as *Biff had instructed. *If ever in my life I had a chance to nail*Nicole Kidman, this was it. *

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my *ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at*such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. *

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. *In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. *We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. *


Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. *Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. *It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. *Only without rails. *We did*barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. *We dived, rose and *dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.


We broke the speed of sound. *Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin *Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. **
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*And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
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And the lunch before that. *
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I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.**
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I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed. *
*
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed*out. *Twice. *I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were*coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. *

I used to know 'cool'. *Cool was Elway*throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. *But now I really know 'cool'. *Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron *stomachs and freon nerves. *I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. *

A week later, when the spins finally stopped,*Biff called. *He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign*for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight*suit.

What is it? *I *asked.

"Two Bags."

[Wvq9InTM]

Too much. I can imagine him egressing the bananas. Kind of give the term 'throw down' a whole new meaning.

[leahjhburton]

If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

Well written piece!