[AbraroLib]

Bugger it, if you trust her enough not to be full of **** over going alone do your best to get her to come with and if you fail go alone. If she isn't being honest about her being fine then it wasn't to be. Besides, her going will boost her confidence a load if you all get drunk and party together.

[arindiruppya]

It's a test, you are going to fail it.

[DEMassteers]

Dump her now.

She is giving you a "Them or Me" scenario, and if you abandon these friends, she will expect you to abandon others as well. It is already inside your head, and one day you will bring up all the friends you no longer have because of her weak self esteem. Hash it out now and get it figured out, or you will have to deal with it one day in the future... and by then your nuts will be long gone.

Don't listen to the naysayers. They have no nuts either.

This is a 4th of july weekend getaway, not some party hard lifestyle problem you have and should grow out of. Plus family will be there. Take her or leave her, but go regardless. If you don't go this year, she will expect you not to go next year, or any year after. Instead tell her this trip is part of your life, will be part of it next year, and the year after that... and if she wants to be a part of your life, you expect her to share in these things instead of mope around doing nothing because she is a wimp. Use the word share as much as you can slip it in against her. She has no built up over time defense to that word. It is girl language, and will catch her off guard.

[Gymnfacymoota]

So what would you do in this situation? I know I'll probably get the usual crazy responses, but "go **** the ex girlfriend and then come back home" is not a consideration lol. I'm very happy in my engagement, this is just a difficult one for me to figure out.

The be your own man response and do whatever you like is mostly bull. I hate to use the saying but nobody's perfect (mostly because of the undefinable perfect, and what its really in comparison to). If she's your fiance your going to have to get used to the idea of compromise to have a healthy relationship. And i know, i know blah blah blah nonsense etc. I've known many a couple that have that i'll do whatever i want, i am my own man or woman attitude in a relationship, and unfortunately for both partners it never works to their mutual advantage. they constantly fight, break up only to make up again for whatever reasons (maybe their too afraid of change and want to remain "safe" in a relationship that doesnt work because its easier than letting go, who knows)

Spending your life with someone else requires compromise. Have you both tried talking it out? has the conversation progressed further than, "i want to go", "well i dont want you to go", "why not", "cause thats the why" etc. If not well then you both need to converse on the subject as to exactly what the underlying motive or feelings are.

Woman are unmanagable, in much the same way from the other perspective men are unmanagable. and the same for every other conflicting ideology. If its not you thinking it, more than likely you're not going to agree with it. its not just about the men vs women argument everyone seems to think it is, its the people vs people issue regardless of gender.

It all boils down to what you really want to do?
Staying with your fiance because of how you feel it would make her feel doesnt make you an idiot and contrary to popular belief does not affect your balls or their dimensions. relationships are hard. Nor would going just for the sake of going affect them either. in which case if you do go what do you think the reaction will be? Dont know the answer, try asking her what she will do or how she will feel if you go.

I know i havent really answered anything but your not going to get the right answer here, on another forum or even in front of a psychologist. The right answer depends on the both of you. Is it going to be one way or the other or will there be a compromise of some sort. If its a compromise i guess you are both keepers, if not i guess you'll both have to wait for a few more difficult decisions to gauge if you both are a good fit or not, as even jealousy isnt a good indicator. it can feel petty or otherwise but its not neccessarily a deal breaker, its common in relationships and human interactions.
The deal breaker is how either party reacts to it or even if they dwell on it for absurd amounts of time using it as ordinance in the next barrage of not so friendly fire. If you have the capacity to get over a decision even if its one sided and she does too, you both may very well get along for a very long time. A road doesnt end just when it gets bumpy, they go on and you get to see that if you deem the journey is worth it.

Its really certain personalities and attitudes that dont mesh rather than the simple or a culmination of decisions. I know of a few people that could never and have never made a relationship work. and its not because of the decisions or even the problems. its the way they tackle them or even the way they dont tackle them (unresolved issues are a big problem). It doesnt always have to be one way or the other.

Simply put, be malleable.

[yQvpyNt3]

Dump her now.

She is giving you a "Them or Me" scenario, and if you abandon these friends, she will expect you to abandon others as well. It is already inside your head, and one day you will bring up all the friends you no longer have because of her weak self esteem. Hash it out now and get it figured out, or you will have to deal with it one day in the future... and by then your nuts will be long gone.

Don't listen to the naysayers. They have no nuts either.

This is a 4th of july weekend getaway, not some party hard lifestyle problem you have and should grow out of. Plus family will be there. Take her or leave her, but go regardless. If you don't go this year, she will expect you not to go next year, or any year after. Instead tell her this trip is part of your life, will be part of it next year, and the year after that... and if she wants to be a part of your life, you expect her to share in these things instead of mope around doing nothing because she is a wimp. Use the word share as much as you can slip it in against her. She has no built up over time defense to that word. It is girl language, and will catch her off guard.

I agree. Of course its always easy to say when you're not the one who loves her deeply and therefore cant make an easy decision. But, and I had this very decision to make a couple of months ago, she will have to accept that you might meet your ex every now and then. How can you be sure that she doesnt have any contact with her ex's?

A relationship is about trust, and lets be honest here, how many of us or our girlfriends have never cheated? Men arent made for hanging around with one person, we wanna f**k as many women as possible. And women... well in my opinion they're the same. I've met so many wives who went clubbing with their friends and tried get someone to f**k. And at home their husbands were working for their examn and their child was sleeping.

Plus, as far as I understood your post, you dont even want to cheat on her. You just wanna party. Sooo, long story short, I'd go to that party even if that means you'll have a little fight over it with your current gf.

[kmjbbT3U]

There are plenty good advice on both sides of the fence and even on the fence here.

When it finally comes to it, you know the situation best. You should talk it out with your fiancée about what value this tradition has to you and how it is a part of you and also what is the situation of your relationship and what are the needs you and your fiancée both have.

After all, it is a life together you are building here and both of you have something to bring in it. You just need to choose what will be the things that you bring into it and what you will leave out of it. After all, you cannot have everything. Will this be one of the things that will stay or one of the things that will be left out. If there are relatives coming there it is a chance for her to get to know your family, so there is that.

But ultimately, you just have to talk it out. Try to be honest with each other or both will get hurt much worse in the long run.

[tipokotap]

This seems to be coming down to a question of a power play because she's not comfortable with being where your old female friend (ex) and her friends are.
IMO, she HAS to go, to see that that relationship is in the past and she's now just a good friend you had history with, that she's accepted as being your new partner and to show that she accepts that you have interests and activities with your friends that are also important to you.
If she doesn't go, it'll re-inforce her doubts about herself and her position in your life and may introduce feelings of guilt on her part for not going and putting you under pressure to make a decision and result in some resentment on your part for having to make that choice and guilt for leaving her behind and not staying with her.
If you both stay behind, it'll cause some resentment against her from your friends and family (brother) and may affect their opinion of you. You'll feel some resentment for missing out and she'll feel some guilt at making you stay home.
If it was a simple weekend away, I'd probably feel quite comfortable staying home, but with a big, regular getaway with friends and family, then I think you should both go, for the reasons I gave above.

[N9u9ie4p]

wow, really appreciate all the great dialogue here guys. While I make my own decisions in the end, it's certainly worth my time to hear others opinions, especially on a forums like this where people come from many different walks of life. I think there's some insight I gained from just about everyone's post.

To clarify a few things-

- I am not the cheating type. Sure, everyone's capable, but I'm not interested in that. I had a good relationship for the most part with my ex, I'd prefer to just be friends at this point. I'm not going to the farm for her, I'm going to see friends and family that I rarely get to see, it's more of a social tradition than a focus on the "get rowdy" atmosphere. Sure, there is all hell breaking loose there, but there's also some great conversation and catch up, and the event is a "tradition" which has been going on for a good portion of my life.

- My fiancee and I have discussed it ad nauseum at this point. We've had several 20+ minute conversations about it, and I've tried to be compromising for her on it. I understand her qualms, but she knows why the event is important. This morning we had what I believe is the final conversation on it because the event is coming up starting either tomorrow or tonight. She made it clear that she will not be going, that she wants me to go, but also that she has nothing to do and is disappointed with how the weekend is looking to shape up. I was disappointed myself, and told her that she's leaving me with no room for a decision here, let alone a way to make things better. I told her that she comes first and I'm willing to do what I can to make things better, but also that the event is very important to me. So basically, I think what's going to happen is that I'm going to the farm, but the length of time there is undecided (I'll probably just go one night, although it is a 4 day event).

- I don't think getting married means you have to kill a fun lifestyle. This isn't the usual party, this is a 4th of July tradition involving a circle of friends who I've been very close to since middle school / high school. In fact, I think every one of my future groomsmen are going to be there, along with another recently engaged couple that I am friends with who are hosting (and who have tried to be accommodating to my fiancee). I tried to encourage my fiancee to invite her friends, but her friends circle is a little smaller than mine and all of her close friends already have 4th of july plans out of town.

So in the end, I pretty much have a mess no matter how you slice it, I'm just trying to be as reasonable as possible. I'm not a vindictive person, I don't like conflict, and according to a survey we took for fun recently (lol), I'm more of a "giver" than she is heh. Either way, I'd just prefer to make both parties happy and get to see my friends but I don't really see how that's going to work out.

[tipokotap]

TBH, I think she's being unreasonable and foolish. She already has friends going there, the other girl is no issue and she's going to then have to face being regarded as a killjoy who was afraid to go - as far as I can see anything other than her going is a losing position for her.

May have missed it, but has your current lady met the old one? That may be part of the problem if she's afraid of not measuring up.

[N9u9ie4p]

She's met the old one once, we went to one of my friend's birthday's at a local restaurant and it was awkward. My ex tried to be nice by telling me that she wanted to say hi and meet her, but her attempt failed when my fiancee didn't say anything back. I think she was just very uncomfortable and didn't want to be friends of any sort. That was the only time the two of them met though, and I have basically no contact with my ex, so she's not constantly in the picture or anything. There was however only a short time period between when I separated from my ex and started dating my fiancee, so that may be a contributing factor.

My fiancee was also cheated on by her last long-term boyfriend, so I know that probably has an impact. She's made some side comments that alude to the fact that she's worried about that with me, even though I would never do that and have tried to emphasize that I'm not that kind of person.

I don't want to make her sound like a bad person, I love her and she is truly a warm, friendly girl. This situation has just caused her to be very uncomfortable and "stuck to her guns" because she doesn't want to deal with the fact that an ex exists. She has said that she thinks my friends are just more entrenched with my ex since they've known her a lot longer, and she doesn't feel as welcomed. I personally though think that my friends have tried to be inviting and no one has said anything unwelcoming IMO.

[tipokotap]

Go, then, and when your friends and relations ask why she isn't there, simply tell them she's shy and felt she'd be overwhelmed by the whole thing. That way they should be understanding and perhaps they'll meet her during the next year and she'll be relaxed enough to go to the next one with you. Heck, what does she think'll happen at the wedding, if that's the first time they all meet her - judgements'll certainly be made there under much more stressful conditions.

[N9u9ie4p]

Yeah I agree with what your saying Gordo, that's probably about what I'll do.

She's met most of my close friends that are going at least once, and some of them she's hung out with 4 or 5 times. There's some extended friends going that she probably hasn't met, but you're right, she should know my groomsmen at the very least.

I think it'll hopefully blow over in the end, I'm going to try and be as casual as possible with it and just try to have fun while I'm there.

At least there will be plenty to drink . . .

[diegogo]

For what you said about the last conversation, she's sh1t testing you, she's telling you to go but in reality expecting that you don't go.

[Cogebrego]

So this friend that only comes once a year.. You two can only visit while getting drunk ?

[AbraroLib]

Make her promise to go with you next year, if you stay for only two days.

[diegogo]

So this friend that only comes once a year.. You two can only visit while getting drunk ?

Problem?

[Cogebrego]

Problem?

No, but sometimes you have to make a decission. It can be good if you go for her instead the same thing again.. you know.
But he has a fiancee, who feels bad to go there.. It is not a teenage girlfriend.. They plan to marry.

Set aside party times for a moment..

[N9u9ie4p]

I actually have 4 friends (all groomsmen) who are coming from out of state. I'm in Wisconsin, they live in Arizona, Texas, and New York, so none of them are within driving distance. If I'm lucky, I see them one other time a year besides the farm these days, and this year that only happened because of a funeral.

Again, it's more than just "getting drunk". Usually attendance at the farm is 30-50 people, and I've known just about every single person there from anywhere between five and fifteen years.

[hrotedk]

No, but sometimes you have to make a decission. It can be good if you go for her instead the same thing again.. you know.
But he has a fiancee, who feels bad to go there.. It is not a teenage girlfriend.. They plan to marry.

Set aside party times for a moment..

you should never have to set aside your friends. especially if they only get to see each other once a year.

[Cogebrego]

you should never have to set aside your friends. especially if they only get to see each other once a year.

true, but life is making compromises... sometimes it is better to skip something.. it'll be back in the end..

If friends cannot understand his choice then what good are his friends?


If he goes, it wont be the same as previous years anyway. The feelings will be different.