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10-30-2011, 04:51 PM
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#1 |
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 When Does Having Sabr and Hilm Go Too Far, to the Point of Becoming a Weakness?
Salams,
This is just something I've been grappling with for a looooong time (heck, it's even giving me a headache, right now, lol). I've had numerous instances where my mother or sister (my sister really is a brat) verbally attacking my faith (Islam), threatening to vandalize my janamaz (among other things) and attacking me for staying away from zina and women (accusing me of being gay) and even getting physical with me (my sister did try to break my fingers once...she faked that she was joking...and I felt like sucker punching her, to be honest). All the while, I've striven to eliminate any egotistical anger and control myself (I haven't had anywhere near the outbursts of verbal anger that I used to have...as they can't egg me on as much anymore). However, I feel like a real pushover so much of the time. Like, if their not attacking me personally, and their attacking either my faith or my rights, then don't I have a right to defend myself? I cry to Allah a lot...which as a guy, can make one feel quite weak and impotent, though we're told to rely on Allah (swt), if we can't properly exercise our masculinity, then how can any of us ever expect to be husbands or fathers? I mean, if I can't defend myself, then how could I expect to defend my (insha'Allah) future wife and/or kids? When I do get angry, my self-restraint either takes over...or I just plain and simply feel powerless. I just don't know what to do. My sister is plain and simply bitter and mean-spirited...jaded in the extreme. I'd love to seek out good company, but that's very hard to find...or those people don't really have any advice for me, though they do, thankfully make dua on my behalf. Anywho, I'm sure I'll have more to bring to the table for discussion, in the future. Please...I seriously need some honest advice, from people in the same or worse situations as/than mine, as I'm trying to become a better Muslim and my family (among other things/people keep dragging me down, as I make these efforts). I know we're not supposed to break family ties, but honestly, if I could, I would...though my family's influence will probably always stay with me...and thereby prevent me from ever getting married (unless I lie through my teeth, that is)... Wa Salam, Tempest Desh |
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10-30-2011, 04:59 PM
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#2 |
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wa'alaykumus salaam
I dont think theres a point where sabr and hilm have gone too far to the point of weakness. Was not our beloved Prophet sallallaahu 'alayhi wasallam tested more than anyone else? And the Companions too? Tests come in many forms and more often than not they come in the form of close loved ones objecting to one's deen. Du'a for ease and 'aafiyat for one's self and and for the loved ones is a weapon which can be used. The tears will surely be beloved to Allah subhaanahu wata'ala. If I may i'd like to post the link to a new post on the blogs which i pray will be of help insha Alah... http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/entr...est-the-Lovers! PS i think you should delete the comment about your sister |
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10-30-2011, 05:07 PM
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#3 |
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Salams,
Well, I understand this...but, is it allowed to hit her (my sister, if she's physically threatening me)? It's like that's the only way, I'd ever have her respect (which sucks...but I'm not gonna be some afterworldly wimp)... Wa Salam, Tempest Desh EDIT: Just realized that I'm surrounded by psychos...no wonder I've had trouble dealing with women...it's like dealing with my sister and mom have ingrained this sort of a reaction in me...Don't ever want to act wrongly on these impulses... |
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10-30-2011, 06:20 PM
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#4 |
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Salams, |
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10-30-2011, 07:03 PM
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#5 |
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Salams, 
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10-30-2011, 07:41 PM
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#6 |
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I cry to Allah a lot...which as a guy, can make one feel quite weak and impotent, though we're told to rely on Allah (swt), if we can't properly exercise our masculinity, then how can any of us ever expect to be husbands or fathers? |
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10-30-2011, 11:38 PM
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#7 |
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Bismillah Al-Rehman Al-Raheem
Assalam-Alaikum: I understand and sympathize with your situation, Brother. But Brother, let those who would seek to call you names call them to their hearts' content. Their hearts are the ones on fire when you do not react. Brother, when Quran came as a Revelation onto the heart of our Prophet (SAW), Allah was addressing and exhorting the Arabs to change their behavior from violent and passionate to serene. Pre-Islamic society also wrongly conceived of masculinity and honor in terms of aggression and violence, but that is not what either the Quran or Prophet Muhammad (SAW) taught. Also, Brother, in pre-Islamic Arabia, bloody feuds were so prevalent because people lacked the sabr and hilm you show here. So, how wonderful for you to exhibit a quality that Allah and His Prophet (SAW) have so praised! If you practice the calm, relaxed, and humble path of religion in the face of harsh words and qualities exhibited by others towards you, Allah promises to be with you as Allah is always with the patient (Quran 2:153). And how excellent a virtue is hilm in the Quran. Though the exact word hilm is absent from the Quran, the adjective halim is mentioned as a divine attribute (as one of the 99 names of Allah, Al-Halim) and also a quality of Ibrahim (9:115), Ishaq (37:99), Shu'ayb (9:89) (peace be upon them all). What the word can be generally rendered with is "gifted with toleration." This property, together with patience or steadfastness (sabr) is a significant aspect of the moral revolution of the character that Islam sought to engender. Alhamdullilah you, on the other hand, already have these qualities within you to call upon when you need them. Also, Brother, remember: No Muslim is afflicted with harm because of sickness or some other inconvenience, but that Allah will remove his sins for him as a tree sheds its leaves (Bukhari). Also, Brother, to cry in front of Allah is not a sign of weakness. Not everyone can cry before Allah. Hardness of heart or black spots covering their heart prevents them. Indeed, according to Ibn Qayyim Al-Jauziyah (cf. As-Sinjari 1994:54), ritual weeping is, for devout Muslims, a means by which to reach Paradise. Al-Jauziyah bases this on the hadith of the Prophet Muhammad who said: "No one sheds tears but Allah will save his body from the fire of Hell. If the tears trickle down a person’s cheeks, his or her face will be saved from any degradation. If one out of a group of people cries, the whole group will be blessed by Allah. Only tears have unrestricted power. Verily, tears can extinguish the fire of Hell." Brother, do not think that your sister (or whoever the case may be) is the one causing your suffering. Whenever any one implements in their life something that Allah likes, Satan attacks the person through his close ones so that he is turned away from that which is good and pleases Allah. So, do not fall into Satan's trap. Instead, whenever you can, make dua with the following words of the Quran (38:41-43): Commemorate Our servant Job, Behold he cried to his Lord: "Satan has afflicted me with distress and suffering"! [The command was given:] "Strike with your foot: here is (water) wherein to wash, cool and refreshing and (water) to drink." And We gave him (back) his people and doubled their number― as a Grace from Ourselves, and a thing for commemoration, for all who have Understanding. Also, Brother, do not look at the surface of the words that your sister says to you. Instead, look beyond them. Do you not think she might be jealous of how you are? Brother, always remember that the people who most lash out are unhappy people. So, practice patience in your dealings with her. And pray to Allah for her guidance and your own relief. And if your family members test you, then turn a deaf ear to their harshness and a blind eye to their aggression. With regards to masculinity, Brother, Islam does not regard violence as the means of asserting masculinity. Brother, a masculine person is not one who drinks, has sex with women outside of marriage, goes to parties, etc. Brother, masculinity has traditionally and historically been verbalized or seen as potency or power. However, can you imagine a more powerful person than one can do all the things other people do (the ones I have listed) but does not? That, Brother, is the definition of masculine behavior in Islamic terms: maturity, assumption of responsibility, and patience with anger and self when violence will as easily suffice. However, Brother, I also understand that you and other men have natural aggression in them that needs outlets. And there is nothing wrong with that or you if you or others find halal outlets for that aggression. What can those halal outlets be? How about learning a sport like boxing, wrestling, or engagement in weight training or something similar that would allow you to direct the testosterone-fueled aggression in a healthy manner? And that would work not only the aggression out of you in a natural and healthy manner but also allow you to feel good (due to release of endorphins). Additionally, exercise or athletics will enable you to enjoy a healthy lifestyle and to concentrate on fitness is also encouraged in Islam. The strong man is not the one who is strong in wrestling, but the one who controls himself in anger (Bukhari). If I have said anything that is good and true, it is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake. |
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10-31-2011, 12:35 AM
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#8 |
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Bismillah Al-Rehman Al-Raheem
Assalam-Alaikum: Also, Brother, as Sister ummitaalib kindly and wisely advised you, I am happy to see you have deleted your comment and thereby editing my own post.  One key aspect of your post is that you wanted the advice of someone who is suffering as you have or is in a worse situation. However, I will tell you that Allah too once tested me with my family. I too felt bad. That was before my heart had submitted to Islam, however. After my submission, slowly, over time, however, my family changed for the better because I personally changed for the better and I was too busy with my own faults to see theirs. And you asked if there is a limit to sabr or hilm. Yes and no. We are weak servants of Allah. Therefore, we find that we do not have the level of sabr or hilm that we should. So, our patience has a breaking point. However, that does not mean that we can or should break our patience (if we still have some reservoir of sabr and hilm left in us). Prophet Ayyub (peace be upon him) refused to call on his Lord for his suffering for a very, very, very long time since he was ashamed before his Lord to do so when he had previously enjoyed many, many, many good years of health, peace and happiness. He did so under duress after a long period of suffering with the following words: "Satan has afflicted me with distress and suffering!" (Quran 38:41). He did not blame any one for his suffering, only Satan. And Allah relieved him because Allah loved him for the quality of sabr and hilm he had showed, not proportioning any blame to anyone and being happy with his Lord's will. Brother, I believe we should find excuses for our family, but we should not find excuses for our inaction with regards to deen. If you want to be a better Muslim, Insha-Allah, you will be. Try your best because your job is to make efforts, but Allah is the provider of the results. You are not defined by who your family is. You are, however, defined by how you think of and behave with your family. Do not think of your family as stumbling blocks to your practice of deen or a happy life but instead think of their actions or inaction as stepping stones to becoming closer to Allah. You will Insha-Allah be happier that way. Being unhappy with other people takes too much action and energy. Let the anger and unhappiness go. Also, when your time is to get married, you will get married. If you want to get married, make dua with ayat 36 of Surah Yaseen in the Quran after every salah. Do not think: Ya Allah, my family is my enemy. No. Think: Satan is my enemy. And I am own worst enemy. This is my sincere advice, Brother, and you will know best your own situation. So, take whatever is good that I have written from here and discard the rest. Forgive me for writing again, as I wanted to add things which I had not written in my original post. And Allah knows best. If I have said anything that is good and true, it is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake. |
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10-31-2011, 07:54 AM
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#9 |
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Salams,
I was in no way implying that I should hit my sister or mother. My main dilemma is that I don't want to follow that course and yet, every time I hold back, I get called a wussy/girl/woman/weakling/pushover by one person or another (typically in my family). I know that they're just trying to egg me on...but, I'm the lone sheep in my family (I'm the only one trying to be a practicing Muslim, which is hard). I know Shaytan (ar-rajeem) preys on the lone sheep. On top of that, my family either tries to interrupt my prayers or stop me from even making wuzu. I mean, I once explained to my sister that I can't have things like dog urine/feces, etc. anywhere on my body, clothes, or the place I'm praying...and now she makes it a point to take the dogs either into my room or into the bathroom, where I would make wuzu, just to make sure that they leave enough najis to make it very, very hard for me to practice my faith. I really don't want to backslide anymore, but these obstacles keep building and building...and I feel like giving up is on the horizon, which depresses me even more. Anywho... Wa Salam, Tempest Desh |
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10-31-2011, 08:04 AM
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#10 |
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 I am wondering about the words, "Satan has afflicted me with distress and suffering", which was uttered by Ayyub / Job (as). It was Satan, that has afflicted him? I really thought Allah was testing his patience (because Satan kind of challenged Allah about it), but maybe I need to reread the story, which I thought I knew, but maybe I have misunderstood or misremembered it. It has been very long since I read the full story. Do you sometimes need to reread a story you thought you knew, because you heard something that doesn't match? |
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10-31-2011, 09:13 AM
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#11 |
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Bisimillah Al-Rehman Al-Raheem
Assalam-Alaikum: Prophet Ayyub's story (peace be upon him). If I have said anything that is good and true, it is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake. |
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10-31-2011, 10:53 AM
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#12 |
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Brother, how much is age difference between you and your sister? Is she considered an adult? Am I right if I say your sister is older than you? There's a story related to me about a case in Britain before that Muslims were not allowed to slaughter their own chickens. No decisions to allow the halal slaughtering even after lobbying and dialogues between the Muslims and the authority. So one of the 'alims there invited the authorities (a mayor or something, I don't exactly remember) to a dinner to discuss about the slaughtering issue. After dinner the 'alim asked the guests how was the food. Everyone answered the food was really delicious. And suddenly the 'alim told everybody that the meat was from a dog. Everyone was dumbfounded, and one person in particular was really mad. So the 'alim calmly say, that's how a Muslim feels if he is forced to eat a non-halal meat. And surely he did tell everybody that the meat was definitely not from a dog. If you can get your sister to empathize then that's the best solution,  .Have your sister listened to any Quran recitations? What's her opinion about it? |
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10-31-2011, 03:46 PM
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#13 |
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Salams, You cant have a parent teacher conference and try to talk things out with these type of people. After you have moved out keep a "salaam and scram" approach with these people. You visit them only for 10 minutes, say hi hello and ask how they are doing, if they need help with something and you can help you try to help in your capacity or else tell them you will pray for them and then say bye bye and youre out the door. Where are you from? Your family cannot prevent you from getting married, though they might flex their muscles, but no they cant. |
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10-31-2011, 03:57 PM
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#14 |
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Try to get your own place as soon as you can. hazrat.The 'salaam and scram' approach won't work. I had this plan for years in my mind. But Allah  had better plans, He dragged me back to my family. Seriously take anybody, the most fights they have is with their own family. Its because the nature of Humans. Escapism won't work. Thats my opinion.
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11-03-2011, 10:38 AM
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#15 |
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Salams,
Thanks to all for the advice. I'd rather vent things on-line at a place where I can, insha'Allah, get some sound advice. These things seem to happen in phases, each seemingly more intense, but shorter in length. And things are getting better, I've just felt challenged in this aspect of my life, as I do want to become the kind of Muslim who would be a good husband...though the waswas can be overwhelming at time. Once again thanks to all... Wa Salams, Tempest Desh |
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