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03-05-2021, 04:17 PM
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AngelaJohnston
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Jul 2020
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407
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Online dating
He said that he loved me.
I'm not sure what has transpired. We were throwing a friendly banter for a while, but the next thing that i knew, everything seems to hold a deeper meaning. I'd like to open his mind and examine his thought process one by one, just to know at exactly at what point did our interaction change. Things are fun and game until one of us gets hurt when the other pushed too far, and i valued him too much to ever hurt him like that. It's weird because we haven't even seen each others' face or know the precise history of another; yet one thing turn into another until here we are, standing on this mess.
Attachments make things heavier; expectations dampens our wings. Fluttering here and there, playing with muds and stirring a pot of explosive substance suddenly feel like a dangerous thing; that i should thread more carefully since another's name is attached to mine. I thought that i could do it; after all, it's still all fun and games, right? But i guess i overestimate my own barrier. I didn't expect the cracks to be this deep when i don't even have a firm footing.
I don't even know if i could trust him. Confessions are easy, especially if you don't get to meet the recipient eye-to-eye. I'm having too much fun until i forget that this all supposed to be a farce. I unthinkingly reply 'yes', and now, I'm left to fix this crumbling fortress of lie. The stones are cracking as fast as i could replace it, and the hooks sinks deeper and deeper. Of course, I assume that we've both had feed each others illusions. But the feeling of having yours being dismantled right in front of your eyes tasted foul. Being pried open isn't pleasant, especially if the truth is such an ugly sight. Things are... not so fun anymore.
Suddenly i need to think deeply to utter even a single word. The pressure is real, but i don't even know why or how. Perhaps i inherently understood why, but i refused to acknowledge it. This was a place to de-stress. I shouldn't be forced face those complicated issue. And yet. I'm neck-deep in this muck, and he is simply too nice. I loathe to continue this, yet i hate to break him.
But well, there... shouldn't be any lasting damage, right? After all, everyone knows that this is not serious. He is not stupid, so i think he'll be fine. There's no pressure.... really. I could simply approach him with another name, if i want; i know what makes him tick. Most importantly, this isn't real. It should've been fine, right?
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