[nermise]

Asalamualakum to all. I am sorry if this topic has been replicated else where, I have submitted this thread to a few muslims messages boards as i need advice very badly, but for some reason on this one I cannot see my profile so cannot see if it have any old posts! So here is my story...

Introduction

Assalamualaikum everyone (I guess). I really don’t want to write this. I don’t even know what you can do for me. I’ll type it up and it’ll be a long document that some smarty will put tl;dr underneath. I will post it around several Muslim forums, because I really, really need some advice. I am so sorry about the length of this, but I just sat and it all came flowing out, and I have no one to talk to who would understand me. Please give me all your thoughts if you can.

I don’t think I want to be a Muslim any more. There I’ve said it. (Actually, I’ve never said these words out loud, because too many people would be hurt by them, but more on that later.)

Part One

It would probably make sense to begin at the beginning. I live in UK. I wasn’t born here, I was born in Pakistan, and raised in Saudi Arabia; my family moved there when I was 2. I did part of my high school there before moving to the UK to go to university. I’m 24 now.

I should probably explain that I’ve always, ever since I was really young, been a very very sceptical and curious child. I remember being yelled at by my Quran teacher for daring to ask why only girls wore hijab and not boys (I was 11 years old then). I remember arguing with my very superstitious Aunt about how the piece of paper with some Arabic written on it, burned, and dissolved in a glass of water won’t make her wealthy (I was maybe 8 then). I remember telling my 12 year old cousin he was silly for believing a ghost lived in his room, because ghosts just don’t exist (I was 7 then).

But the very first time I thought that all this religion stuff might be a waste of time was when I was 4. Yes, 4. I’m not exaggerating for effect. (I wonder where my fitrah was). My family moved to KSA by then so we were living there at the time.

It all started when me and my older brother were arguing about what happened to people after they became like really old. My idea was they turned back into babies and started all over again. My brother, older by 4 years, insisted with glee that they all died. We asked my uncle to decide, and he confirmed that yes, indeed, people died after they became very old and either went to heaven or hell.

I don’t know what it was, but in that moment I knew, just knew that it was bull****, all of it, total bull**** – heaven, hell, angels and devils, what a bunch of fairy stories. How can grown ups believe in this ****? All this stuff no one could show to be true.

I was quiet and withdrawn for a few days (depressed maybe u could say) and my family couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. But I was 4, I got over it. I went to my Pakistan expat school, did my islamiyat studies, went to quran classes, learned to do my namaaz and thought nothing more of it because I never met any non-Muslims. Obviously being in Saudi my family and I made Umrah numerous times, and Hajj once and I was exposed to nothing but Islam as a religion.

The next bout of doubt came when I was 8 or maybe 9, just lying in bed before sleeping and all of a sudden imagining what it would be like to be dead. Once again, that same realisation came that all of this was just silly. Jinn? Ya’juj and ma’juj tunnelling under the earth? All these stupid rules that God seemed to care so much about that you could spend an eternity in hell undergoing that most sick sadistic punishments for eternity? They all just seemed like children’s fairytales, with no proof whatsoever behind them.

Part Two

Until you’ve felt complete terror at the idea of your own complete and utter extinction I don’t think you know the meaning of the word fear. It was a compulsion, I’d lie in bed night after night imagining myself becoming nothing and knowing that everything and everyone I cared for and loved would also die, the planet would shrink and become nothing, the sun would explode and the universe would collapse. (Thanks for those Junior Science books, Mummy-ji). I’d cry out of the sheer horror of it all, the idea that nothing actually mattered.

But I was 8. Soon forgotten; for a while at least. I went through periods of intense doubts every couple of years. I think my worst in terms of emotion was when I was about 15 or so. I was a hijabi by then and prayed regularly, read the quran and everything, but every once in a while these doubts would creep up on me. This time it wasn’t night terrors, but instead I spent hours in sajdah in my room, weeping onto my jaan namaaz, begging a God I wasn’t even sure existed to give me back my Iman. My everything.

I am very fortunate in my family. My parents aren’t these BS cultural desi parents, they educated us and pretty much made Islam the cultural centre point of our lives, rather than being Pakistani. So other than Islam, I have no other cultural identity. I don’t align myself with any single country or state or political ideology – in the years I believed, I was very much part of the Ummah. As a teenager I had dreams of becoming a politician back home in Pakistan and helping the Muslims there, or in any country, because I saw (and still do) see all Muslims as part of me. So now if my Iman goes, I don’t know what I have left.

Anyway, after that, my parents sent me overseas to study for Uni. I was Head Sister of my ISOC for my whole time there (not president though, that would be haraam). I had wonderful sisters around me and so I fell into same patterns once again, just trying not to think too much about why I didn’t want to be a Muslim. I don’t think I was even a hypocrite at this point, because I didn’t think about the issue enough to enable me to be one. And also, it’s just easier to be the person other people want you to be. I think I had another session of doubting while at university, but worked through it and once again stopped thinking about it.

I did try to read to remove my doubts but the more I read the more silly I thought religion was, so I just tried to stop thinking about it.

I stopped thinking about the position of women in Islam (which is empowered, and honoured of course, unless of course you want to be a political leader, or travel, or leave the house without your husband’s permission, or get a divorce). I stopped thinking of the death penalty for apostates (to punish someone for what they believe and basically forcing them to stay muslim or you kill them, how does that make sense?!), of the awful treatment of gays (why does God care so much about gays?) or slavery, or concubinage, or even divorce for us weak emotional Muslim womens. I’m the kind of person who needs good reasons for believing in something – Allaahu alem, or don’t question Allaah because He (and it is always He) knows best are not answers for me, not for serious stuff that effects my life.

Actually, I stopped thinking of all the things I gave up when I was young that I loved doing – I used to love art and drawing but stopped after reading all the hadith about punishments for those who drew faces. I never used to listen to music much as my parents wouldn’t let me, and the hadith on music scared me into giving it up, and learning an instrument was out of the question. Islam basically censors everything that allows you to express yourself freely as an individual, using tales of hell fire to make sure you are scared into doing it. I don’t think I can live like that any more. Life is so big and joyous with a hundred million things to experience and what is prob limited time to experience them, but religious Muslims are obsessed with narrowing their experiences as much as possible. Plus, if the belief is gone, what’s the point in obeying these weird empty rules? I’ve started drawing again, and listening to music (mostly classical, some voice).

Part Three

OK here goes – the last straw that broke the camel’s back. So after university I started working. I’m living here by myself, and my parents have moved to Islamabad in Pakistan (as a lot of my mom’s family lives there) and I work (scientist) and am applying for PhDs. My day starts early and finishes late and one Ramadan two years ago now I took it into my head to read the Quran on the train to and from work, not just the Arabic, but the English too (as no one in my family can speak Arabic, but we can read it).

I read on and on and on, and about 5 days in, I stopped. Reading the Quran was lowering my Iman. I couldn’t help it – all I saw was a narrow minded and vindictive God obsessed with Hell and disbelief and kufr. At one point I started opening the book at random hoping to hit upon something positive, but those points were few and far between. Where was the beauty? The spiritual high? The deep philosophy and the insight into the mind of God through his own revelations to his beloved messenger?

Try it – open a page at random. I just have, and still mostly get doomy stuff about the evil doers and hell, and more evil doers and hell. God just doesn’t sound nice. There is so much negativity in there, and very few things that make me happy to be Muslim and overjoyed to be reading God’s words.

So yeah, I stopped reading the Quran, been almost two years now (I did the above exercise on a website). I tried to do my namaaz still though, I forced myself to do it though I really couldn’t believe there was anyone on the other end, but Islam was the centre of my life for so long I didn’t want to give up on it so easily. Slowly that tailed off and towards the end it was purely a mechanical exercise. Since that time I have been thinking a lot about Islam and how and why I want to follow it. Now is really the time I’ve spent as a genuine hypocrite – me, known for being blunt, never lying and always being honest, having to live like a hypocrite, and it kills me.

And you know, I don’t know what I would do even if I did leave Islam. I could never take my hijaab off, it’s part of me. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend or sleep with someone before marriage because marriage is just drilled into me. I’ve never done drugs, or smoked or been clubbing or drank alcohol or eaten pork and I don’t think I would do any of those things even if I decided to finally come clean about Islam. I don’t even think I could eat non-Halaal meat. So it’s not about chasing a hedonistic lifestyle. I just don’t like Islam all that much, many of the laws make sense, but a lot are just silly. Also, the ideas of God, prophets, angels and whatever really sound silly too. Maybe its because I was pushed into science field that I feel this way.T he only things that would change about me is maybe I’d travel alone a bit more (before I was always escorted by my father) or maybe go to some musical concerts. I’ve just changed a lot on the inside, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Part Four

There’s the case of my family too: my parents trust me so much. I am the middle girl of three children – I have an older and younger brother, and I was the one they allowed to study abroad, and they paid so much money for my education because I’m the one with my head screwed on right. My older brother, shall we say, is a ‘wahhabbi’ a ‘salafi’ whatever. He hates any one who’s a kaafir and gays and musicians and actors and scientists and used foul language against even scholars he disagrees with and thinks harshness and jihad is the core of Islam. Anyone who disagrees is a ‘sufi’ ‘bareilwi’ or apostate. If he was in UK he’d mix in with these crazy groups UKer Muslims have so much of and get himself into trouble.

My younger brother is the opposite. He’s a drinker, he sleeps around, goes out clubbing and to parties as much as he can. He has had relations with boys and girls (he doesn't know I know) I think my parents like me to be the ‘balance’ – the religious one who’s nice to people, who has fun and is friendly but still practising. I saw how heart broken they were after they dealt with the aftermath of my brother’s drinking and whoring and I don’t think I could put them through something as big as this. Does this mean I have to live like a hypocrite for my whole life? That I will never be able to live with dignity, with honesty or be happy? I also have a step brother from my father's first marriage and he is not religious at all, but still talks to me about Islam, he will also think this is 'permission' for him to do what he likes.

Plus, if I did say anything openly, a lot of my relatives in Pakistan and India and KSA would say, “see, she’s become English” and stop their daughters from studying abroad. I also think that if I did tell anyone, my little brother would definitely be shaken in his Iman, and I can think of at least two friends in my group who would leave Islam/be shaken in their faith because of my influence over them. I would definitely lose the contact or support of all the Muslims I know, and I don't want to hang out with these snug 'ex-Muslims'. Then there are all my high school friends from KSA. They are all Muslim, some of us even went to uni together, and some of them respect me and ask me for advice on Islamic matters because I used to love fiqh and tajwid and hadith and all of that. They would be so shocked if I told them I want to leave the deen, I would literally become a stranger to them because this is a side of me they’ve never seen before, because I have never spoken to anyone about this before.

The weird thing is, though I can’t bring myself to believe all that much any more, I really don’t want to take away the joy of iman from anyone else. Religion is comforting, it gives stability and direction. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the pain of losing their religion. It is very painful.

And then there’s the weird deal with marriage. My parents want me to get married soon and have already received some rishteh for me in Pakistan and some from KSA and India. I don’t want to do this to a Muslim man. How can I pretend I’m a devout hijabed up girl when I don’t even believe any more? I think I’d have to marry someone like me – a lapsed Muslim, a Muslim agnostic, a Muslim sceptic, call me what you like. I don’t know any, and I keep my thoughts on my beliefs to my self for fear of news getting back to my parents (the circle I move in is real small and all know the other…)

So basically, I have no one to talk to. All my friends and colleagues, Muslim or not, know me as being very religious and knowledgeable about Islam and for the Muslims, it would hurt me to disturb their idea of me because I think they would be shocked and not know how to handle it, and for the non Muslims (mostly atheists at work) it would annoy me to think that they thought they had something to do with this! I’ve felt like this on and off, since I was 4. Unfortunately the ones I know that are not religious Muslims would be 'secretly pleased' also - it will make them this either they influenced me, or think this is OK now they can become even less practiseing!

Part Five

So where does this leave me? Does this mean I have to be ‘different’ kind of Muslim? I think of all the groups I have despised over the years: the ‘secular’ muslims (yuck), the punk rock muslims (fun, but no substance, and I don’t like their lifestyle anyway, too shallow).

The hadith rejectors were very attractive at one point in time because there is just so much I find bizarre in the hadith. If it was any other religion we’d mock it so much, but because it’s Islam we train ourselves not to criticise them, just believe, believe, don’t have bad thought, don’t think Islam is wrong (it’s not possible) keep your true thoughts inside and that’s it. The problem is never the religion it’s always you.

From offensive things like telling women they are deficient in deen and intellect, to stopping them from leaving their home without their husband’s permission or preventing them from making friends with whoever their husband dislikes, or travelling alone, making sure they are covered with ‘only one eye to see the path’ (wtf?) All for our 'protection' too! to weird stuff about jinn residing in dogs and you becoming like the shaytaan if you sleep on your belly, to not keeping dogs in the house and the absolutely sickening and disgusting punishments that the merciful God inflicts on such and such a person for not doing exactly what they are told.

Am I really supposed to believe that in this immeasurable universe with countless floating galaxies and solar systems with no other life out there at all as far as we know, that we may well be the only planet with life on it, in the huge cold universe, there is this little blue rock filled with life of all kinds, and God is busy cursing the ones who pluck their eyebrows? It makes god look small and petty.

I thought also that if I ignored the hadith then I could maybe try to read the Quran as it really seems to me – purely as a very mystical book that every human being can implement according to their own judgement.

Also – the idea that thousands of hadiths can be rejected and suddenly it’s fardh to believe in the remaining ones is a stupid idea – statistically, there will be weak or fabricated hadith in the collections; the collections weren’t put together until at least 200-300 years after the prophet’s death, we have no guarantee in Quran that the hadith are free from error. We make fun of the Christians and their million Bibles but what about us – we rely on faith that our hadith are free from error, just in the same way as their Bible. The hadith were still authenticated by men, who are fallible.

But is that honest? Isn’t that just me turning the religion into something it is not because I’m too scared to let go? Eeew – am I going to have to become one of those people that calls themselves ‘spiritual not religious’? They used to have my contempt too. What next, Buddhism???????!!!!!!!!

Or do I try not to think about it – just skip the parts of the religious laws I don’t like and go to concerts and draw and hang around with male friends but follow the parts I like, like no drinking, no boyfriends and what ever? Or just be like the Jews who are atheist but so loudly Jewish – that my religion becomes an empty culture and I’ll celebrate Eid every year but not believe in the sacred reasons for it? It kills me just thinking that.


Part Six

Quite a few people I know who used to be extremely devouth ave become ‘less religious’ (taking hijab off, females marrying non-Muslim, etc). They are from more liberal and less religious families and towards them I feel envious, at least they have the support of their family and their actions won’t hurt anyone. Or they don’t care what their parents think anyway. In my family that is not the case, my parents did everything for me and raised me in the deen. To reject Islam is to reject them, I couldn’t do this to them. The backlash against my parents would be a lot, as well..

I honestly don’t know what to do. The more I read about religions the more I think Islam is the best one out of them all – but that doesn’t mean I can’t see the flaws in it. And a religion from God is not meant to have any flaws. So where does that leave me? Isn’t it more honest to say that the Universe is so vast and so mysterious that it is silly to think any one ideology can have all the answers, instead we should just be sincere and compassionate and do what we can?

The more I think about it the more I am sure that it is almost impossible to really know anything for sure – and that iman comes and goes almost without your control. Mine has almost all gone. I tried really hard to keep it, but the more I learned of Islam the more I disliked it. Do I believe in Allah? Yes, kinda, sometimes. Do I love the Prophet? Yes, I still do. Do I find parts of Islam beautiful? YES. Do I find fundamental parts of it just plain silly and restrictive? YES.

So this was my plan for Ramzan. I am took leave from work for most of it and I went to Lahore where my family joined me as there I have some of my most religious family (my parents thought I insisted on Lahore because already I am religious to them, they didn’t realise this was a last attempt to become religious again! I tried my best to reconnect with Islam – I tried to pray again, and tried to pick up the quran and read that too. Unfotunatly I did not feel any connection. Empty words, empty actions. The only thing I liked was the family feeling of being in ramzan that’s it.

So I thought maybe I would benefit from anonymous advice, if I can so please please post your thoughts. After that if I regain iman, then good. If not… I dunno, a life time of hypocrisy maybe.

Thank you all. And I am soooooo sorry this msg is so long, it’s just 20 years of frustration coming out for the very first time. Thank you all again.

PS – you may see me posting this to different muslim (no atheist/ex-muslim boards because I still feel closer to Muslims than I do to ex-muslims) message boards. I just want the advice of as many people as possible.