[nermise]

Asalamualakum to all. I am sorry if this topic has been replicated else where, I have submitted this thread to a few muslims messages boards as i need advice very badly, but for some reason on this one I cannot see my profile so cannot see if it have any old posts! So here is my story...

Introduction

Assalamualaikum everyone (I guess). I really don’t want to write this. I don’t even know what you can do for me. I’ll type it up and it’ll be a long document that some smarty will put tl;dr underneath. I will post it around several Muslim forums, because I really, really need some advice. I am so sorry about the length of this, but I just sat and it all came flowing out, and I have no one to talk to who would understand me. Please give me all your thoughts if you can.

I don’t think I want to be a Muslim any more. There I’ve said it. (Actually, I’ve never said these words out loud, because too many people would be hurt by them, but more on that later.)

Part One

It would probably make sense to begin at the beginning. I live in UK. I wasn’t born here, I was born in Pakistan, and raised in Saudi Arabia; my family moved there when I was 2. I did part of my high school there before moving to the UK to go to university. I’m 24 now.

I should probably explain that I’ve always, ever since I was really young, been a very very sceptical and curious child. I remember being yelled at by my Quran teacher for daring to ask why only girls wore hijab and not boys (I was 11 years old then). I remember arguing with my very superstitious Aunt about how the piece of paper with some Arabic written on it, burned, and dissolved in a glass of water won’t make her wealthy (I was maybe 8 then). I remember telling my 12 year old cousin he was silly for believing a ghost lived in his room, because ghosts just don’t exist (I was 7 then).

But the very first time I thought that all this religion stuff might be a waste of time was when I was 4. Yes, 4. I’m not exaggerating for effect. (I wonder where my fitrah was). My family moved to KSA by then so we were living there at the time.

It all started when me and my older brother were arguing about what happened to people after they became like really old. My idea was they turned back into babies and started all over again. My brother, older by 4 years, insisted with glee that they all died. We asked my uncle to decide, and he confirmed that yes, indeed, people died after they became very old and either went to heaven or hell.

I don’t know what it was, but in that moment I knew, just knew that it was bull****, all of it, total bull**** – heaven, hell, angels and devils, what a bunch of fairy stories. How can grown ups believe in this ****? All this stuff no one could show to be true.

I was quiet and withdrawn for a few days (depressed maybe u could say) and my family couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. But I was 4, I got over it. I went to my Pakistan expat school, did my islamiyat studies, went to quran classes, learned to do my namaaz and thought nothing more of it because I never met any non-Muslims. Obviously being in Saudi my family and I made Umrah numerous times, and Hajj once and I was exposed to nothing but Islam as a religion.

The next bout of doubt came when I was 8 or maybe 9, just lying in bed before sleeping and all of a sudden imagining what it would be like to be dead. Once again, that same realisation came that all of this was just silly. Jinn? Ya’juj and ma’juj tunnelling under the earth? All these stupid rules that God seemed to care so much about that you could spend an eternity in hell undergoing that most sick sadistic punishments for eternity? They all just seemed like children’s fairytales, with no proof whatsoever behind them.

Part Two

Until you’ve felt complete terror at the idea of your own complete and utter extinction I don’t think you know the meaning of the word fear. It was a compulsion, I’d lie in bed night after night imagining myself becoming nothing and knowing that everything and everyone I cared for and loved would also die, the planet would shrink and become nothing, the sun would explode and the universe would collapse. (Thanks for those Junior Science books, Mummy-ji). I’d cry out of the sheer horror of it all, the idea that nothing actually mattered.

But I was 8. Soon forgotten; for a while at least. I went through periods of intense doubts every couple of years. I think my worst in terms of emotion was when I was about 15 or so. I was a hijabi by then and prayed regularly, read the quran and everything, but every once in a while these doubts would creep up on me. This time it wasn’t night terrors, but instead I spent hours in sajdah in my room, weeping onto my jaan namaaz, begging a God I wasn’t even sure existed to give me back my Iman. My everything.

I am very fortunate in my family. My parents aren’t these BS cultural desi parents, they educated us and pretty much made Islam the cultural centre point of our lives, rather than being Pakistani. So other than Islam, I have no other cultural identity. I don’t align myself with any single country or state or political ideology – in the years I believed, I was very much part of the Ummah. As a teenager I had dreams of becoming a politician back home in Pakistan and helping the Muslims there, or in any country, because I saw (and still do) see all Muslims as part of me. So now if my Iman goes, I don’t know what I have left.

Anyway, after that, my parents sent me overseas to study for Uni. I was Head Sister of my ISOC for my whole time there (not president though, that would be haraam). I had wonderful sisters around me and so I fell into same patterns once again, just trying not to think too much about why I didn’t want to be a Muslim. I don’t think I was even a hypocrite at this point, because I didn’t think about the issue enough to enable me to be one. And also, it’s just easier to be the person other people want you to be. I think I had another session of doubting while at university, but worked through it and once again stopped thinking about it.

I did try to read to remove my doubts but the more I read the more silly I thought religion was, so I just tried to stop thinking about it.

I stopped thinking about the position of women in Islam (which is empowered, and honoured of course, unless of course you want to be a political leader, or travel, or leave the house without your husband’s permission, or get a divorce). I stopped thinking of the death penalty for apostates (to punish someone for what they believe and basically forcing them to stay muslim or you kill them, how does that make sense?!), of the awful treatment of gays (why does God care so much about gays?) or slavery, or concubinage, or even divorce for us weak emotional Muslim womens. I’m the kind of person who needs good reasons for believing in something – Allaahu alem, or don’t question Allaah because He (and it is always He) knows best are not answers for me, not for serious stuff that effects my life.

Actually, I stopped thinking of all the things I gave up when I was young that I loved doing – I used to love art and drawing but stopped after reading all the hadith about punishments for those who drew faces. I never used to listen to music much as my parents wouldn’t let me, and the hadith on music scared me into giving it up, and learning an instrument was out of the question. Islam basically censors everything that allows you to express yourself freely as an individual, using tales of hell fire to make sure you are scared into doing it. I don’t think I can live like that any more. Life is so big and joyous with a hundred million things to experience and what is prob limited time to experience them, but religious Muslims are obsessed with narrowing their experiences as much as possible. Plus, if the belief is gone, what’s the point in obeying these weird empty rules? I’ve started drawing again, and listening to music (mostly classical, some voice).

Part Three

OK here goes – the last straw that broke the camel’s back. So after university I started working. I’m living here by myself, and my parents have moved to Islamabad in Pakistan (as a lot of my mom’s family lives there) and I work (scientist) and am applying for PhDs. My day starts early and finishes late and one Ramadan two years ago now I took it into my head to read the Quran on the train to and from work, not just the Arabic, but the English too (as no one in my family can speak Arabic, but we can read it).

I read on and on and on, and about 5 days in, I stopped. Reading the Quran was lowering my Iman. I couldn’t help it – all I saw was a narrow minded and vindictive God obsessed with Hell and disbelief and kufr. At one point I started opening the book at random hoping to hit upon something positive, but those points were few and far between. Where was the beauty? The spiritual high? The deep philosophy and the insight into the mind of God through his own revelations to his beloved messenger?

Try it – open a page at random. I just have, and still mostly get doomy stuff about the evil doers and hell, and more evil doers and hell. God just doesn’t sound nice. There is so much negativity in there, and very few things that make me happy to be Muslim and overjoyed to be reading God’s words.

So yeah, I stopped reading the Quran, been almost two years now (I did the above exercise on a website). I tried to do my namaaz still though, I forced myself to do it though I really couldn’t believe there was anyone on the other end, but Islam was the centre of my life for so long I didn’t want to give up on it so easily. Slowly that tailed off and towards the end it was purely a mechanical exercise. Since that time I have been thinking a lot about Islam and how and why I want to follow it. Now is really the time I’ve spent as a genuine hypocrite – me, known for being blunt, never lying and always being honest, having to live like a hypocrite, and it kills me.

And you know, I don’t know what I would do even if I did leave Islam. I could never take my hijaab off, it’s part of me. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend or sleep with someone before marriage because marriage is just drilled into me. I’ve never done drugs, or smoked or been clubbing or drank alcohol or eaten pork and I don’t think I would do any of those things even if I decided to finally come clean about Islam. I don’t even think I could eat non-Halaal meat. So it’s not about chasing a hedonistic lifestyle. I just don’t like Islam all that much, many of the laws make sense, but a lot are just silly. Also, the ideas of God, prophets, angels and whatever really sound silly too. Maybe its because I was pushed into science field that I feel this way.T he only things that would change about me is maybe I’d travel alone a bit more (before I was always escorted by my father) or maybe go to some musical concerts. I’ve just changed a lot on the inside, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Part Four

There’s the case of my family too: my parents trust me so much. I am the middle girl of three children – I have an older and younger brother, and I was the one they allowed to study abroad, and they paid so much money for my education because I’m the one with my head screwed on right. My older brother, shall we say, is a ‘wahhabbi’ a ‘salafi’ whatever. He hates any one who’s a kaafir and gays and musicians and actors and scientists and used foul language against even scholars he disagrees with and thinks harshness and jihad is the core of Islam. Anyone who disagrees is a ‘sufi’ ‘bareilwi’ or apostate. If he was in UK he’d mix in with these crazy groups UKer Muslims have so much of and get himself into trouble.

My younger brother is the opposite. He’s a drinker, he sleeps around, goes out clubbing and to parties as much as he can. He has had relations with boys and girls (he doesn't know I know) I think my parents like me to be the ‘balance’ – the religious one who’s nice to people, who has fun and is friendly but still practising. I saw how heart broken they were after they dealt with the aftermath of my brother’s drinking and whoring and I don’t think I could put them through something as big as this. Does this mean I have to live like a hypocrite for my whole life? That I will never be able to live with dignity, with honesty or be happy? I also have a step brother from my father's first marriage and he is not religious at all, but still talks to me about Islam, he will also think this is 'permission' for him to do what he likes.

Plus, if I did say anything openly, a lot of my relatives in Pakistan and India and KSA would say, “see, she’s become English” and stop their daughters from studying abroad. I also think that if I did tell anyone, my little brother would definitely be shaken in his Iman, and I can think of at least two friends in my group who would leave Islam/be shaken in their faith because of my influence over them. I would definitely lose the contact or support of all the Muslims I know, and I don't want to hang out with these snug 'ex-Muslims'. Then there are all my high school friends from KSA. They are all Muslim, some of us even went to uni together, and some of them respect me and ask me for advice on Islamic matters because I used to love fiqh and tajwid and hadith and all of that. They would be so shocked if I told them I want to leave the deen, I would literally become a stranger to them because this is a side of me they’ve never seen before, because I have never spoken to anyone about this before.

The weird thing is, though I can’t bring myself to believe all that much any more, I really don’t want to take away the joy of iman from anyone else. Religion is comforting, it gives stability and direction. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the pain of losing their religion. It is very painful.

And then there’s the weird deal with marriage. My parents want me to get married soon and have already received some rishteh for me in Pakistan and some from KSA and India. I don’t want to do this to a Muslim man. How can I pretend I’m a devout hijabed up girl when I don’t even believe any more? I think I’d have to marry someone like me – a lapsed Muslim, a Muslim agnostic, a Muslim sceptic, call me what you like. I don’t know any, and I keep my thoughts on my beliefs to my self for fear of news getting back to my parents (the circle I move in is real small and all know the other…)

So basically, I have no one to talk to. All my friends and colleagues, Muslim or not, know me as being very religious and knowledgeable about Islam and for the Muslims, it would hurt me to disturb their idea of me because I think they would be shocked and not know how to handle it, and for the non Muslims (mostly atheists at work) it would annoy me to think that they thought they had something to do with this! I’ve felt like this on and off, since I was 4. Unfortunately the ones I know that are not religious Muslims would be 'secretly pleased' also - it will make them this either they influenced me, or think this is OK now they can become even less practiseing!

Part Five

So where does this leave me? Does this mean I have to be ‘different’ kind of Muslim? I think of all the groups I have despised over the years: the ‘secular’ muslims (yuck), the punk rock muslims (fun, but no substance, and I don’t like their lifestyle anyway, too shallow).

The hadith rejectors were very attractive at one point in time because there is just so much I find bizarre in the hadith. If it was any other religion we’d mock it so much, but because it’s Islam we train ourselves not to criticise them, just believe, believe, don’t have bad thought, don’t think Islam is wrong (it’s not possible) keep your true thoughts inside and that’s it. The problem is never the religion it’s always you.

From offensive things like telling women they are deficient in deen and intellect, to stopping them from leaving their home without their husband’s permission or preventing them from making friends with whoever their husband dislikes, or travelling alone, making sure they are covered with ‘only one eye to see the path’ (wtf?) All for our 'protection' too! to weird stuff about jinn residing in dogs and you becoming like the shaytaan if you sleep on your belly, to not keeping dogs in the house and the absolutely sickening and disgusting punishments that the merciful God inflicts on such and such a person for not doing exactly what they are told.

Am I really supposed to believe that in this immeasurable universe with countless floating galaxies and solar systems with no other life out there at all as far as we know, that we may well be the only planet with life on it, in the huge cold universe, there is this little blue rock filled with life of all kinds, and God is busy cursing the ones who pluck their eyebrows? It makes god look small and petty.

I thought also that if I ignored the hadith then I could maybe try to read the Quran as it really seems to me – purely as a very mystical book that every human being can implement according to their own judgement.

Also – the idea that thousands of hadiths can be rejected and suddenly it’s fardh to believe in the remaining ones is a stupid idea – statistically, there will be weak or fabricated hadith in the collections; the collections weren’t put together until at least 200-300 years after the prophet’s death, we have no guarantee in Quran that the hadith are free from error. We make fun of the Christians and their million Bibles but what about us – we rely on faith that our hadith are free from error, just in the same way as their Bible. The hadith were still authenticated by men, who are fallible.

But is that honest? Isn’t that just me turning the religion into something it is not because I’m too scared to let go? Eeew – am I going to have to become one of those people that calls themselves ‘spiritual not religious’? They used to have my contempt too. What next, Buddhism???????!!!!!!!!

Or do I try not to think about it – just skip the parts of the religious laws I don’t like and go to concerts and draw and hang around with male friends but follow the parts I like, like no drinking, no boyfriends and what ever? Or just be like the Jews who are atheist but so loudly Jewish – that my religion becomes an empty culture and I’ll celebrate Eid every year but not believe in the sacred reasons for it? It kills me just thinking that.


Part Six

Quite a few people I know who used to be extremely devouth ave become ‘less religious’ (taking hijab off, females marrying non-Muslim, etc). They are from more liberal and less religious families and towards them I feel envious, at least they have the support of their family and their actions won’t hurt anyone. Or they don’t care what their parents think anyway. In my family that is not the case, my parents did everything for me and raised me in the deen. To reject Islam is to reject them, I couldn’t do this to them. The backlash against my parents would be a lot, as well..

I honestly don’t know what to do. The more I read about religions the more I think Islam is the best one out of them all – but that doesn’t mean I can’t see the flaws in it. And a religion from God is not meant to have any flaws. So where does that leave me? Isn’t it more honest to say that the Universe is so vast and so mysterious that it is silly to think any one ideology can have all the answers, instead we should just be sincere and compassionate and do what we can?

The more I think about it the more I am sure that it is almost impossible to really know anything for sure – and that iman comes and goes almost without your control. Mine has almost all gone. I tried really hard to keep it, but the more I learned of Islam the more I disliked it. Do I believe in Allah? Yes, kinda, sometimes. Do I love the Prophet? Yes, I still do. Do I find parts of Islam beautiful? YES. Do I find fundamental parts of it just plain silly and restrictive? YES.

So this was my plan for Ramzan. I am took leave from work for most of it and I went to Lahore where my family joined me as there I have some of my most religious family (my parents thought I insisted on Lahore because already I am religious to them, they didn’t realise this was a last attempt to become religious again! I tried my best to reconnect with Islam – I tried to pray again, and tried to pick up the quran and read that too. Unfotunatly I did not feel any connection. Empty words, empty actions. The only thing I liked was the family feeling of being in ramzan that’s it.

So I thought maybe I would benefit from anonymous advice, if I can so please please post your thoughts. After that if I regain iman, then good. If not… I dunno, a life time of hypocrisy maybe.

Thank you all. And I am soooooo sorry this msg is so long, it’s just 20 years of frustration coming out for the very first time. Thank you all again.

PS – you may see me posting this to different muslim (no atheist/ex-muslim boards because I still feel closer to Muslims than I do to ex-muslims) message boards. I just want the advice of as many people as possible.

[agolutuaddiff]

I know this was a very long post, but does no one have anything to say? I feel like I'm losing my mind: I'm a non-Muslim around Muslims and a Muslim around non-Muslims. The time for me to get married etc is coming soon - what can I do? Who can I talk to? Is it inevitabel that I will bring my parents so much grief if i try to be honest or am i stuck living like a hypocrite for most of my life?

[ranndomderr]

sis,

would you mind to tell us your field of science? Since you studied science and work as a scientist, then you know better than anyone that the truth might be totally different than what it seems on the surface. You do experiments and analyze data in science to connect all the dots (theories and what not) to be able to see a coherent picture. Have you done the same with Quran, Hadith and Islam?

[AbeldeldepBug]

very sad that you feel this way about Islam I think you need experience spritual Islam tasawwuf.
If you are in Pakistan then highly reccomend you to speak to Alimah Sobia Ahmad she will be doing a lecture series every Thursday for the next 10 weeks and speak to her after the talk and get advice from her or her husband Shaykh Kamaluddin.

January 12th-March 15th

Day: Every Thursday

Time: 10.00-11.20 AM

Venue: Hafeez Ahmed Taj Begum Trust, 6-A-H, Gulberg III, Lahore.

[GogaMegaPis]

Bismillah Ir-Rehman Ir-Raheem

Assalam-Alaikum:

May Allah guide you, me, and all of us to the Straight Path.

Yes, Sister, your post was long, but I thank you for the length of it because it helped clarify your position on matters and enables others to Insha-Allah help you better than they would have been able to do so otherwise. Sister, I will wait for others first to answer you before answering you, because if I respond (it might take me some time), I Insha-Allah want to do as thorough a job as you have done in listing and explaining your issues.

However, Sister, in the meantime, please be patient with yourself, because you are seeking knowledge and it takes time to learn knowledge. And please also be patient with us on the Forum as people Insha-Allah come forth to help you.

Also, Sister, I used to call myself an atheist before my heart submitted to Islam. So, I know for a fact 100% that Islam is the truth. And I am not saying this because I wanted Islam to be true; in fact, I was not looking for Islam to be the truth.

That being said, I and others can only advise you as sincere well-wishers, but it will be your job to ask non-stop for guidance from Allah because guidance is only in the hands of Allah and not us humans. And I say this knowing that you are presently a doubter; however, pray you must if you wish to be guided, regardless of how fake it feels to you right now because He hears and knows everything and He understands your heart (even if you do not).

If I have said anything that is good and true, it is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake.

[Cajlwdvx]

very sad that you feel this way about Islam I think you need experience spritual Islam tasawwuf.
If you are in Pakistan then highly reccomend you to speak to Alimah Sobia Ahmad she will be doing a lecture series every Thursday for the next 10 weeks and speak to her after the talk and get advice from her or her husband Shaykh Kamaluddin.

January 12th-March 15th

Day: Every Thursday

Time: 10.00-11.20 AM

Venue: Hafeez Ahmed Taj Begum Trust, 6-A-H, Gulberg III, Lahore.

Brother Abu Suliman, could you kindly advise if there are also similar lectures for gents, as what I can understand above lectures are for ladies only. If not kindly also advise what to do?

Many thanks in advance.
Best regards

[EHjEjdqe]

Brother Abu Suliman, could you kindly advise if there are also similar lectures for gents, as what I can understand above lectures are for ladies only. If not kindly also advise what to do?

Many thanks in advance.
Best regards

Yes you are right these talks are for ladies Insha'Allah Shaykh Kamaluddin did a talk in lahore yesterday he might do more Insha'Allah if you check this site http://www.islamicspirituality.org/ Insha'Allah you will know if there is event also they broadcast live online as well.

[uncoodync]

السلام عليكم

http://www.halaltube.com/speaker/nouman-ali-khan

Listen to the talks by this brother. He has fantastic talks on Quraan, he has the full 30th juzz commentary on his website. The talks on this website focus on different aspects of Quraan. When I read Quraan like you did I found it strange and some things just didnt make sense, it wasn't until Allah showed me this brother that I appreciated the book we believe in. I eventually came to the conclusion that this book is The Truth. There were still questions I had which I didn't understand, but I submitted and said to myself I believe in the Quraan and even though I dont understand some things, I place this due to my own lack of knowledge of its meaning or reasoning.

Alhamdulillah, once I adopted this attitude answers about my questions came at the most unexpected times. Answers to questions I had (which made me really doubt Islam, I almost left it at one point as you contemplate) which I had now forgotten about (due to me refinding my faith), came to me from different areas and I would understand the wisdom behind the very things which almost made me quit following Islam.

It's only once we submit that we start to get answers, I understand that that is difficult to do when you doubt it, but having been in your situation I advise you to listen to those lectures I linked you above and focus on the "good, easy to understand" parts of the Quraan which "make sense". And look at how in depth the Quraan is, a translation is a very shallow form of understanding the Quraan. By listening to this man you will appreciate the beauty and wisdom of the Quraan and hence of Allah SWT.

Only then when your mind has to really admit to itself that this stuff makes sense can you sort of start to get over your doubts. Once you increase your faith and submit to the bits you don't understand, go with the attitude that sure I dont get some stuff, but Inshaa Allah my faith in Allah is strong and I pray He will eventually teach me the truth and make me understand those things which caused me to doubt Islam before.

That is exactly what I did and Alhamdulillah I can never go back to contemplating whether Islam is true or not.

To show you some of the things I had doubts about, to name the main things:

- polygamy
- slavery
- concubines
- The Prophet's (SAW) marriage to Aisha RA
- The death of a certain tribe
- Women rights
- Certain sayings of the Prophet SAW

Alhamdulillah once I focused on the Quraan and listend to tafseer and became stronger in faith and stopped doubting Islam a lot of what I listed slowly started to be taught to me by Allah SWT through various means. As I mentioned sometimes I would forget that I had asked these questions and it was amazing that Allah SWT remembered I had these doubts and a year on was teaching me some things to which I still had no answers to.

Hope I made sense sister. I pray this finds you in the best of health and you benefit as I did. If it helps, I stopped praying, reciting Quraan and was pretty bad, even now you still seem to have more imaan in you then I did back then so if I can come back so can you, just don't give up on Allah SWT.

و عليكم السلام

[SappyAppy]

This short book is aimed at non-muslims though inshAllah beneficial.
Its called the man in the red underpants.

http://www.onereason.org/media/The_M...pants_book.pdf

[EmpokemyMok]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbKQvmdpfcM

[Obgrfbke]

Maybe listening to the Quran will give a boost to your imaan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Dvp7xQib-4

Strengthen your imaan in some way, there is no success in disbelief.

http://quran.com/13/28

[DebtDetox]

Asalamualakum to all.

Walaikum Asalaam sister,

And I thought my posts were long... (j/k).

I hope that Insha'Allah you can read my post below with the same attention and consideration with which I read yours.

I don’t even know what you can do for me. We, ourselves, cannot do anything for you. Only Allah can do something for you, and for all of us. He may do it THROUGH us, utilizing any one or more of us to get through to you, if He so wills, but we couldn't even move our fingers to type without His will, let alone do something to help you out.

I don’t think I want to be a Muslim any more. There I’ve said it. (Actually, I’ve never said these words out loud, because too many people would be hurt by them, but more on that later.) Sorry but not going to congratulate you on that one.

Part One

I remember being yelled at by my Quran teacher for daring to ask why only girls wore hijab and not boys (I was 11 years old then). Well, I actually personally have an issue with that kind of stuff also. I know that is the cultural response to religious questions by kids, usually, in our culture (I'm Pakistani also and I was your age just about 6 years ago). Rather than giving you an actual answer and helping you understand, your Quran teacher, and many, many other Islamic teachers/parents/brothers/sisters/etc choose to just do the "how do you even dare ask that" routine and leave the child with confusion. Then the child grows up and looks for answers themselves, as you are doing now, and I (and so many of us) have done in the past, and so many continue to do. However, at the same time I know and believe in Taqdeer and Qadr, that everything is written out for us as it's going to happen, and that everything happens for the better, and that Allah knows best what He has written for us to happen.

Yes, I probably said in the above little paragraph just about everything you're skeptical about, and everything you don't like to hear... but read it again a little more carefully, and you'll notice that I said "I know and believe in Taqdeer and Qadr". I didn't say I "think", or that we "must" believe in Allah's will and the fact that He knows best, or any other words which would imply "well he's just been brain-washed into thinking that since he was a kid", etc. I know. For a fact. Just like I know if I jump off a building I'm going to fall down and not fly up, or that if I jump into a fire I'm going to burn, or that 1+1=2, or that if I submerge myself into water without diving gear, I'm going to quickly drown and most probably die. Just like these examples are solid facts which no one can deny, I know that Allah is there, and the Quran is His word, and that Muhammad is his slave and messenger. I don't believe it, I know it. I don't know it because I was "bred" into it, my family actually is not the most religious. We're not all that messed up, but aside from the usual 'cultural' things (not eating pork, not drinking, praying Juma (even that sometimes not), being taught salat but never fully understanding the meaning of it and never seeing it being done much at home, etc), religion wasn't all that big a topic at home growing up for me. So I've went many different routes in my life, and, Alhamdulillah, Allah guided me to the right path in ways which I could never imagine. I took one step towards Him, He took 10 towards me, I went to Him walking, He came to me running... just as the hadith says. Allahu'Akbar, Alhamdulillah.

Please don't take what I've said so far to be arrogant, as that is not my intention. If I seem arrogant or rude or something similar, please forgive me.

The point of my story so far is that just like you grew up in a religious family but slowly moved away from deen, there are those of us who didn't grow up in much of a religious family (and even non-muslims who come to Islam), but had to find their way and they were brought to a certain path by Allah's grace. We are the ones who are saying "oh man I wish there was a way to actually get through to her because she's missing out on so much", but we, or at least I, can only do so much by talking, and Insha'Allah make dua to Allah swt to guide you, and all of us, and keep us steadfast in our iman.

I would also like to say at this point that what's happening with you can happen to any of us, so once again I am not being arrogant and we should all be begging Allah swt 24/7 to keep us steadfast in our iman and beliefs. It is Allah who guides whomever He wills, and no one can guide the one whom Allah wills astray. May Allah swt protect us all from evil and grant us death in a state of 100% iman. Ameen.

I remember arguing with my very superstitious Aunt about how the piece of paper with some Arabic written on it, burned, and dissolved in a glass of water won’t make her wealthy (I was maybe 8 then) Well, you were right to tell her that. That is not an Islamic practice, as far as I know, and sounds like more of an innovation/superstitious thing. I know you're just giving an example, but that kind of stuff should not be part of your 'judgement' towards Islam, as it's not aligned with Islamic teachings. I think all of us have bidahs (innovations) all around us amongst Muslim friends & family and we can only pray that Allah gives us the correct deeni knowledge to stay away from bidah as well as help others get away from bidah as well.

I remember telling my 12 year old cousin he was silly for believing a ghost lived in his room, because ghosts just don’t exist (I was 7 then). Again, I know what you're saying, but slight difference between "ghosts" which kids believe/not believe in and Jinns. Read translation of Surah Al-Jinn for more information (http://quran.com/72).

My brother, older by 4 years, insisted with glee that they all died. We asked my uncle to decide, and he confirmed that yes, indeed, people died after they became very old and either went to heaven or hell. Well, now that you're a scientist, I'm sure you believe that people die, old or not, correct? We'll leave out the heaven and hell part for now, but you don't still think that people become babies all over again after old age, I'm sure...

I don’t know what it was, but in that moment I knew, just knew that it was bull****, all of it, total bull**** – heaven, hell, angels and devils, what a bunch of fairy stories. How can grown ups believe in this ****? All this stuff no one could show to be true. "Alif, Lam, Meem. This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah - Who believe in the unseen, establish prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them." Quran 2:1-3.

I was quiet and withdrawn for a few days (depressed maybe u could say) and my family couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. But I was 4, I got over it. I went to my Pakistan expat school, did my islamiyat studies, went to quran classes, learned to do my namaaz and thought nothing more of it because I never met any non-Muslims. You've met non-muslims in the UK, right?

Obviously being in Saudi my family and I made Umrah numerous times, and Hajj once and I was exposed to nothing but Islam as a religion. Masha'Allah, lucky you!

The next bout of doubt came when I was 8 or maybe 9, just lying in bed before sleeping and all of a sudden imagining what it would be like to be dead. Once again, that same realisation came that all of this was just silly. Jinn? Ya’juj and ma’juj tunnelling under the earth? All these stupid rules that God seemed to care so much about that you could spend an eternity in hell undergoing that most sick sadistic punishments for eternity? They all just seemed like children’s fairytales, with no proof whatsoever behind them. All verses in the Quran begin with , which means "With the name of Allah, the [extremely] Beneficent, the [extremely] Merciful". Even His punishment that you speak of is a mercy. How is that so? It is a mercy for those who are afflicted and tortured (be it physically, mentally, finacially, etc) by these wrong-doers, who will then be punished by Allah swt for those same wrong-doings, and rightfully so. These wrongdoers used to (and still do) think that they can do whatever they want to people, bury their daughters alive, treat women worse than animals, make life a living hell should anyone was to say as much as "one" and "God" in the same sentence, etc, and now in this day and age we have modern versions of the same, possible even worse. Mental, physical, financial... tortures and slavery of all kind. So is there a severe punishment for these people? Of course. Do they deserve the punishment? Ask someone whose daughter they buried alive, or whose husband they shot point blank in front of them, or who they lured into a high-interest debt with their promises of "it's all good you deserve it, it's easy", ask the one whose daughter was abducted, never to be found again, only to be made part of the sick sex-slave trade that goes on today. Ask any of these types of people if the punishment which Allah speaks of in the Quran is too severe, and you might be surprised at the answer. We're not even talking about shirk & kufr at this point, only heinous crimes against humanity which have always been committed and are being committed as we speak.

So, is this hellfire (whose fuel will be men and stones), mercy at the same time, for people who were done wrong to these extreme extents, and is it just? Absolutely, you bet it is. May Allah swt protect us all from this. (I learned some of this from Nouman Ali Khan's Quranic tafseer videos, so the bro or sis who gave you the link above, take them up on their offer and watch his videos/talks, he's American and speaks good English).

Part Two

Until you’ve felt complete terror at the idea of your own complete and utter extinction I don’t think you know the meaning of the word fear. It was a compulsion, I’d lie in bed night after night imagining myself becoming nothing and knowing that everything and everyone I cared for and loved would also die, the planet would shrink and become nothing, the sun would explode and the universe would collapse. (Thanks for those Junior Science books, Mummy-ji). I’d cry out of the sheer horror of it all, the idea that nothing actually mattered. Well, I assume that is still true for you, no? You're still going to die, or become "nothing" as you put it, and so will everyone you care for and love, and the planet and the world and the universe will end (you're going off science I assume, but Quran says the same, and then some more which science can barely keep up with, but we'll leave that for another day). So what is so different now that you want to forget about Islam's "silly" laws and start "enjoying" life, such as drawing, listening to music, playing musical instruments, going to concerts, running for political office, becoming some sort of a "leader", travel, leave the house without your husband's permission, etc? It's still all going to "end" right and everything and everyone will become "nothing", "nothing actually matters", so what's the point in "enjoying" life or not? Or do you mean to say that you want to "enjoy" life "while it lasts" as there will be nothing after that? Shouldn't you still live your life as terrified as you say you used to be in the above quoted text?

But I was 8. Soon forgotten; for a while at least. I went through periods of intense doubts every couple of years. I think my worst in terms of emotion was when I was about 15 or so. I was a hijabi by then and prayed regularly, read the quran and everything, but every once in a while these doubts would creep up on me. This time it wasn’t night terrors, but instead I spent hours in sajdah in my room, weeping onto my jaan namaaz, begging a God I wasn’t even sure existed to give me back my Iman. My everything. I would highly, highly, strongly suggest that you do the same Now. You did it when you were 15, yes, and that was commendable, but you were young then, Insha'Allah it's time to do it again. Fall into sajdah and beg Allah to guide you and give you your iman back. Tell Him your entire situation, the same way you have told us in your post, and more... beg, beg, beg... you're going to have to "keep playing muslim" for now anyway as you say, might as well ask Allah for guidance and see if He doesn't do just that (guide you). In fact you're probably well off to go make wudhu right this minute and pray 2 rakat with as much sincerity as you can find within yourself (as long as it's not a forbidden time to pray nafl where you are, I'm sure you know which those times are).

I am very fortunate in my family. My parents aren’t these BS cultural desi parents, they educated us and pretty much made Islam the cultural centre point of our lives, rather than being Pakistani. So other than Islam, I have no other cultural identity. I don’t align myself with any single country or state or political ideology – in the years I believed, I was very much part of the Ummah. Masha'Allah. If every Muslim child was brought up like that, the Ummah wouldn't be having the problems it is having today.

Anyway, after that, my parents sent me overseas to study for Uni. I was Head Sister of my ISOC for my whole time there (not president though, that would be haraam). You seem to be very keen on "titles". "Leader", "Political Leader", "Head Sister but oops not Ms. President". I would think someone with your seeming intellect would be beyond that, unless I'm misunderstanding something (which I probably am).

I did try to read to remove my doubts but the more I read the more silly I thought religion was, so I just tried to stop thinking about it. Not sure what you had been reading, as the majority of worldwide population who is reading up on Islam is becoming Muslim left and right. I'm not sure what's all this "silliness" you constantly keep speaking of. The more I read about Islam the more sensible and beautiful I find it to be, and as I said in the beginning of my post, Alhamdulillah, I am not a 'blind' follower, I know that this is real. I would visit some of the links which have been posted in this thread so far and maybe you'll find some better reading material.

I stopped thinking about the position of women in Islam (which is empowered, and honoured of course, unless of course you want to be a political leader, or travel, or leave the house without your husband’s permission, or get a divorce). You also need to make a list of all the RIGHTS which Islam gives to women, which to THIS day women in non-muslim society do not have. And one major, major reason we have immodest women without clothes on every corner these days is because of abandonment of these very Islamic laws that you are against. Also, your understanding about the position of women in Islam seems to be kind of skewed. If a husband refuses to divorce his wife and she wants a divorce, she can go to an Islamic court and get a KHULA, which is basically the wife separating from/divorcing the husband. Maybe you should read up on women's rights and position in Islam some more (from reputable sources) before going completely against it. Give it a shot.

I stopped thinking of the death penalty for apostates (to punish someone for what they believe and basically forcing them to stay muslim or you kill them, how does that make sense?!), of the awful treatment of gays (why does God care so much about gays?) or slavery, or concubinage, or even divorce for us weak emotional Muslim womens. I’m the kind of person who needs good reasons for believing in something – Allaahu alem, or don’t question Allaah because He (and it is always He) knows best are not answers for me, not for serious stuff that effects my life. This is more for a scholarly person to answer, so I'll stay out of it. As far as the divorce issue, see what I said above. And yes, Allah does know best, period. Allah is referred to as "He" for all intents and purposes as far as us humans are concerned, however He is above gender, age, size, ability, looks, etc, and we cannot comprehend those things so we have been told refer to Allah as "He". Insha'Allah we will all be in Jannah in the hereafter and will get to see Allah swt personally, if He so wills. Like I said before, you seem to be very concerned with "titles". So what if it is always "He"? Would you rather it was "She"? Would that make you feel better about Islam as a religion? I'm confused.

Actually, I stopped thinking of all the things I gave up when I was young that I loved doing – I used to love art and drawing but stopped after reading all the hadith about punishments for those who drew faces. I never used to listen to music much as my parents wouldn’t let me, and the hadith on music scared me into giving it up, and learning an instrument was out of the question. Islam basically censors everything that allows you to express yourself freely as an individual, using tales of hell fire to make sure you are scared into doing it. I don’t think I can live like that any more. Life is so big and joyous with a hundred million things to experience and what is prob limited time to experience them, but religious Muslims are obsessed with narrowing their experiences as much as possible. Plus, if the belief is gone, what’s the point in obeying these weird empty rules? I’ve started drawing again, and listening to music (mostly classical, some voice). That was great that you stopped those things after reading the ahadith and stuff about it, too bad you started again I guess. It depends on one's definition of "expressing yourself freely". In today's world to most people that means I should be able to dress exactly how I want, so I'm gonna walk around with my behind hanging out, and while I'm at it I'm gonna slap a nice tattoo on it as well. In one of my hands I'm gonna hold a boom box playing my favorite tunes, while I try to draw with the other hand as I'm walking holding a paper in my mouth. What's so weird about that? I'm just expressing myself freely. If that sounds extreme to you, don't know where you are, but visit NYC one day and you'll see that and more.

My point is, expression of self is a relative thing, and it's definitely allowed in Islam, within REALISTIC boundaries, which will make sure we don't end up becoming like what I just described above. It starts with "just a little bit" but it ends up being what the world is today. Just like for an ex cigarette smoker there's no such thing as "just one", because they will sooner or later get pulled right back into the pack or two or 5 a day... I have learned from personal experience that the things which are prohibited in Islam have similar wisdom behind there, there's no such thing as "just a little bit here and there", because it will take (and has taken) society back to the days of ignorance. You're just 'drawing', listen to music, "mostly classical, some voice", what are your kids going to draw and listen to when they grow up? And then what about their kids, and their's, and so on and so forth? Do you think one of them a few generations down might end up being a rock-star living the rock-star lifestyle 24/7, knowing nothing whatsoever about YOU or what YOU stood for? Insha'Allah it will not happen with any of us, but believe me these people are out there. I am sure you see them all around you in the UK as well. The "muslim by name" kids who drink, smoke, party, sleep around, do drugs, and many other things which even may put "western" kids to shame. And the sad thing is that sometimes I think if it is even their fault, their parents didn't teach them anything... some of then even have religious parents mind-you but they neglected to teach their kids, and some of even these parents are just "muslim by name" and I guess their parents didn't teach them anything, etc.

It may seem like I'm going off on a senseless tangent, and I do have that problem if you can't tell already, but I'm trying to get you (and anyone reading) to realize that it's these "small things" here and there which lead to very, very "big" things a few generations down. Forget whether you believe in Islam for a moment or not, but just adapting some of these habits in general, where is it going to get you and more important your oncoming generations? Think about it for a minute.

May Allah swt protect us all.


Part Three

OK here goes – the last straw that broke the camel’s back. So after university I started working. I’m living here by myself, and my parents have moved to Islamabad in Pakistan (as a lot of my mom’s family lives there) and I work (scientist) and am applying for PhDs. My day starts early and finishes late and one Ramadan two years ago now I took it into my head to read the Quran on the train to and from work, not just the Arabic, but the English too (as no one in my family can speak Arabic, but we can read it). That was a good decision on your part. I (and I think just about every non-Arab, and even some Arab Muslims) can definitely relate to the "I can read Arabic but can't understand it".

Umar RA said, “We were the beginning [the heads] of this Ummah, and perhaps a man from the best of the Companions of Allah’s Messenger and the most righteous amongst them could maintain only one chapter of the Qur’an or there abouts. For the Qur’an was weighty upon them, and they were given knowledge of it or action based on it. But the last of this Ummah will find the Qur’an light [and easy] – the child and the non-Arab will recite it, without possessing any knowledge about it.”

I read on and on and on, and about 5 days in, I stopped. Reading the Quran was lowering my Iman. I couldn’t help it – all I saw was a narrow minded and vindictive God obsessed with Hell and disbelief and kufr. At one point I started opening the book at random hoping to hit upon something positive, but those points were few and far between. Where was the beauty? The spiritual high? The deep philosophy and the insight into the mind of God through his own revelations to his beloved messenger? I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make sense. Which translation were you reading? First of all, with all your 'ilm, I'm sure you are aware that the Quran itself is only in Arabic, preserved in the hearts of millions of huffaz + in written form. You should also be aware that even non-Muslims have acknowledged the literary superiority of the Arabic Quran and many have gone to say that it could not be the work of a human. So, in order to really understand the Quran, one would have to go on a quest to learn Arabic as it relates to understanding the Quran (and many do). Then and only then could one make a truly accurate judgement. Other than that, it is only the translator's INTERPRETATION of the Arabic. Open 5 different translations of the Quran to the same surah same ayat, you will see 5 different "interpretations", more or less conveying the same meaning but in different ways and with different wording (which can many times make a huge difference). Subhan'Allah the Quran is so vast and the Arabic language is so rich that the more people who interpret it into other languages, they more they find they have to say and explain. But, grab an "X" number of copies of the Arabic Quran from anywhere in the world, 10, 20, 50, 100, a million, whatever... open the same surah and same ayat, it will be the same down to the last tajweed & punctuation mark. How is that possible for 1400+ years? We humans can't even pass down a simple news story down to a friend in it's original format, and we were able to guard such a magnificent book for FOURTEEN HUNDRED YEARS without a single fail? Even with alll the enemies of Islam throughout the times? How hard is it for a rich, powerful enemy of Islam to slowly but surely inject some corruption into a religious book? It's extremely easy if they are up against humans, as they were with Torah, Zaboor, and Injeel... however, it is completely, utterly, absolutely impossible if they are up against God Himself.

Quran 15:9. Five different interpretations:

Sahih International

Indeed, it is We who sent down the Qur'an and indeed, We will be its guardian.

Muhsin Khan

Verily We: It is We Who have sent down the Dhikr (i.e. the Quran) and surely, We will guard it (from corruption).

Pickthall

Lo! We, even We, reveal the Reminder, and lo! We verily are its Guardian.

Yusuf Ali

We have, without doubt, sent down the Message; and We will assuredly guard it (from corruption).

Shakir
Surely We have revealed the Reminder and We will most surely be its guardian.

Dr. Ghali

Surely We, Ever We, have been sending down the Remembrance, and surely We are indeed Preservers of it.

Try it – open a page at random. I just have, and still mostly get doomy stuff about the evil doers and hell, and more evil doers and hell. God just doesn’t sound nice. There is so much negativity in there, and very few things that make me happy to be Muslim and overjoyed to be reading God’s words.

So yeah, I stopped reading the Quran, been almost two years now (I did the above exercise on a website). Doesn't seem to me that you gave it enough of a chance. You read it for 5 days on the train, then you opened random pages and supposedly found all verses which weren't to "your liking", and gave it up? Did you do the same throughout college, and will do in your PhD? If you're asked to read a complete book which is supposed to be rich full of information, you're going to read it for 5 days, flip random pages, and call it a day, tell everyone that you have judged this book and decided that it doesn't contain anything useful for you? Or will you actually read it cover to cover before making a judgement? Most sensible people would read a book from cover to cover before making such an immense judgement about it, so why can't we do the same for the Quran?

Also you may want to mention here which translation you were reading so Insha'Allah some of the more knowledgeable members can comment whether that's fine or if they recommend a different one. Since you Masha'Allah care so much not just for yourself but for your family & especially your parents, you owe yourself to not just read a raw translation but read a credible tafseer of the Quran cover to cover. Sure it may take some time but only then can you maybe comment on what you think this book is or isn't. Scholars read tens of different tafaseer before even beginning to comment on what it "says" in the Quran about a certain issue, and these are scholars who spend years learning Arabic to understand the Quran, and then they read literally 40 or 50 other tafaseer before they come to a conclusion about what is being said in a particular ayat.

The least we can do is read one tafseer cover to cover.


I tried to do my namaaz still though, I forced myself to do it though I really couldn’t believe there was anyone on the other end, but Islam was the centre of my life for so long I didn’t want to give up on it so easily. Slowly that tailed off and towards the end it was purely a mechanical exercise. Since that time I have been thinking a lot about Islam and how and why I want to follow it. Now is really the time I’ve spent as a genuine hypocrite – me, known for being blunt, never lying and always being honest, having to live like a hypocrite, and it kills me. You probably won't consider this, but I would hope you will, to continue making salat. Even if it is just a mechanical exercise to you, just continue to do to the best of your ability and make abundant dua to Allah to guide you. Sure you may not believe there's "anyone at the other end" as you put it, but it seems like you have much to lose and nothing to gain by giving up Islam so why not give it a shot? What if Allah hears your sincere dua's and guides you completely? Insha'Allah.

And you know, I don’t know what I would do even if I did leave Islam. I could never take my hijaab off, it’s part of me. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend or sleep with someone before marriage because marriage is just drilled into me. I’ve never done drugs, or smoked or been clubbing or drank alcohol or eaten pork and I don’t think I would do any of those things even if I decided to finally come clean about Islam. I don’t even think I could eat non-Halaal meat. So it’s not about chasing a hedonistic lifestyle. I just don’t like Islam all that much, many of the laws make sense, but a lot are just silly. Also, the ideas of God, prophets, angels and whatever really sound silly too. Maybe its because I was pushed into science field that I feel this way.T he only things that would change about me is maybe I’d travel alone a bit more (before I was always escorted by my father) or maybe go to some musical concerts. I’ve just changed a lot on the inside, and I don’t know what to do about it. You're basically listing everything you agree with on Islam... hijab, no boyfriends or sleeping around before marriage, no drugs, no smoking, no clubbing, alcohol, pork, looks like you're on the right track. Good job.

What you have listed is the SEEN which makes sense to you. The requirement is for us as Muslims to believe in the seen AND the UNSEEN, as I quoted Suran Baqarah's second ayat somewhere up in this post. If one doesn't believe in the UNSEEN, heaven, hell, angels, jinn, Prophets (not as much "unseen" as history tells us they were there, but for us they are 'unseen' sure).

When I did my "self discovering" and all that good stuff before Alhamdulillah being guided by Allah swt, I arrived at the conclusion that there is more than enough logical, factual, scientific, real substance in Islam for us to believe that it is real. That leaves that which we may not understand either partially or completely, then that goes under faith and having belief in Allah. If everything was all "seen", then that would be too easy and the whole world would be Muslim. There would no 'test' and no way for us to Insha'Allah attain a higher level in Jannah.

Maybe you need to think of things from this perspective as I mentioned above. You yourself are saying there are many things in Islam which you like and which make sense, but then some you find to be "silly" (astaghfirullah). You need to try to look at things from the point of view which I said above... there's enough which makes sense to you for you to faithfully believe what does not make sense to you.

I thought I could do this but my apologies there is just too much to reply to and I'm actually getting ready to travel soon. So I will try my best to reply to the rest once I get where I'm going within 24 hours or so.

and may Allah keep us all steadfast and on the right path. Ameen.

[Hsmrcahr]

ASAK,

Listen to lectures/bayaans by Mufti Saeed Khan Sb db. It will help you clarify a lot of your doubts/concerns;

www.seerat.net

[viagbloggerz]

May Allah reward you brother Shuayb Abdul Khaaliq for your effort.

[immoceefe]

I'm very moved, almost to tears reading this post of this sister, may Allah help us strengthen our faiths. InshaAllah will write something soon.

[arrendabomnem]

Assalamu Alaykum,

I will reply to you on a point by point basis on the issues that I can address. On the other questions you have, which I can't answer, you will have to refer to a scholar. Forgive me if parts of the advice sound harsh, but please try to see through the harshness

1. By not having reliable Muslim friends, you are opening yourself to Shaytaan himself, who is whispering all these things in to your heart.
2. Your statement that you think you do not want to be a Muslim anymore may have put you out of the fold of Islam already. You need to check with a reliable Mufti. Iman is a favour from Allah and not a favour you have done un to Allah. Allah is independent and does not need your or my iman.
3. Iman is believing in the unseen without question, otherwise there would be no test. The fact that you don't understand heavan, hell, angels etc, does not mean that they do not exist. Secondly, Allah has created us with limited capabilities and intellect. The fact that we don't understand something does not mean there is no wisdom behind it. Sometimes, some of us do obtain that understanding from reading or asking the scholars and, with that, having an open and clean heart. Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi (RA) has written a book entitled: 'The Wisdom Behind The Commands Of Allah.' Perhaps you should read that book, which may help clear some of your doubts.
4. This book and studying the deen under the tutelage of a competent female scholar will help you understand women's position in Islam. Women are a treasure, who need to be protected from evil elements in society. Living in the West, you should have a better grasp of what I mean.
5. The punishment for apostasy, as my understanding has it, is because once you have seen the truth and then turned your back on it, there can be no bigger crime. Secondly, the punishment acts as a deterrent, because if a person dies as a kafir, the punishment is eternal. If the punishment of this world, can deter him/her from the eternal punishment of the hereafter, surely this is an act of mercy. For example, a child may not understand why his father beats him when he is young, but once he is older, he realises it was for his benefit. Similarly, on the day of judgement, everything will become apparent.
6. Islam actually allows many things and censors a few. If the creator does not know what is good and bad for you, who else will? The problem is, we don't see that there is enjoyment in the dhikr of Allah, provided, of course, we have not filled our heart with trash. Once we have cleansed our heart, you will find that enjoyment once again.
7. Did you study the sciences yourself? How do you expect to get a the full and true understanding of the Qur'an without a competent tutor?

[LongaDonga]

sister please pray to allah to guide u. only allah can show u the true path.

[pkxlugbsbv]

Your honesty is appreciated and commendable. I am not an expert but can only speak to you as a Muslim sister who has sinned and asks to be guided.

Ask Him and He will listen.

But know that many apostates of Islam validate and justify their action because they set out to find a truth that moves further and further away from them in their quest. And the non truth comes closer and closer. Every fact they come upon, every theory they research points them away from Islam. If this is happening to you, but your soul is tormented, or you still feel lost, then that is an indication that Allah is not guiding you but the dark forces of your inner self and the world.

If you approach your doubts with a hidden underlying skepticism that no matter what, there is doubt in Islam, then that is what your findings will affirm. Your heart has to be truly open to the truth and it will lead you to the same conclusion made over and over again.

Don't judge Islam for what people have made of it. Look at it for what it is supposed to be.

May Allah guide us all. Forgive me if I have spoken out of line.

[Sironimoll]

Salam

from your posts you seemed to be quite isolated from fellow sisters, not really having any meaningful relationships with them that were based on taqwa. Allah has instructed us to seek righteous company, inf act righteous company is the lifeline of the muslim if only more people understood this. your parents certainly did thats why they tried to raise you in KSA, and from what you've written the times in your life when you were connected to spiritual sisters (i.e.) university ISOC, things seemed to be pretty good. perhaps keeping yourself int he company, of muslims would help, for the barakah and unseen help of allah descends on gatherings wherein the focus is to please and remember him.

this brings us to the next point, Rasulullah mentioned (paraphrasing here) that hearts gather rust like metal overtime and are revived through two things, remembrance of death and remembrence of Allah (Dhikr). I fone thing seemed to be lacking in your schedule, it was regular dhikr of allah, sure at times you picked up the quran, but for whateever reason you put it back down....this is not the way.

one must be consistent in their dhikr, even if you read a little a day, and forced yourself to do it, eventually you would come to appreciate and enjoy it.

Inshallah i will writ emore soon but i have to go...and come to think of it the things of i've written above are so applicable to myself (i need to work on all of those things as well).

[Phoneemer]

Inshallah download and listen to this series, or at least the partsthat deal with intentions,, and spiritual purifications, eliminating disobediance and sin (the parts on the fiqh of salah may not be as useful). It's a commentary of Imam Ghazali's "the beginning of guidance" delivered by a very Mufti Abdurrahman Ibn Yusuf.

http://www.zamzamacademy.com/view/au...g-of-guidance/

you may find it to be very spiritually uplifting and allow you to focus on the deen with full conviction.

You may also find the bayyans ont his website (below) may really help you, they very wonderful spiritual and contemporary bayyans offered by a shaykh who is very fluent in english (born and raised american) Dr. Hussain Abdussatar.

http://www.sacredlearning.org/general-talks